Day 286: SF on reluctance

05082013

Imma just lay down here instead, OK?

See previous post for context.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent going back home because I have responsibilities waiting for me which I am uncertain of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncertain about my responsibilities because I do not know what exact form they will take as they are new to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail because I do not know what exactly is going to happen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to hold onto what I already know because I find security in patterns that repeat in a familiar manner because within them I am less likely to “fail” - not realizing that in order to grow, develop and create something new I need to tackle that which is unknown and uncertain through trial and error.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define:

• failure = all mistakes

when in fact:

• failure = not learning form one's mistakes
• mistake = an opportunity for growth

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear embracing learning through trial and error because I have found it unacceptable to err.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and succeed perfectly without failure – or to at least appear that I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a mistake is born out of not having had enough practice, not out of me being “not good enough”, and that mistakes and accomplishments are thus not a measurement of my worth but an indicator of what I have practiced and what I have not practiced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes with a task I perceive to be “heavy” or “important” because I am responsible for the consequences if I experiment (trial) and then fail (error).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only place to learn is to engage with the world and practice, practice, practice, and that all the world is practicing with me because none of us are truly “ready” - and that thus there is basically nothing but practice, nothing but trial and error, and that failing in a task is thus not “deadly serious” because we're all just practicing how to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear authorities who (from my point of view) claim themselves to be “ready” as I fear they will judge my differing approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe these authorities to be “ready” in some god-like manner and that they in fact know better than me, here undermining and underestimating my own perspective completely by myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I do not stand within and as my point of view/approach, no one will.

[All of the above mainly concerns a specific task / position of responsibility I have written about before.]

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become passive when there is someone “dominant” around to be active for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not pay attention to that moment when I define another as “dominant” and allow myself to fall out of breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adopt a pattern where:

• masculine qualities = dominant
• feminine qualities = submissive

and that I have thus positioned myself to people according to how our masculine and feminine qualities balance out and become either a passive follower or an active leader.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in reality there are no “leaders” or “followers”, only people of equal value and capability, and that whenever I assume a position of a “leader” or a “follower” I distance myself from the reality where we are all equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whenever I assume the position of a “follower” I accept and allow myself to be less than I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whenever I assume the position of a “leader” I accept and allow myself to see others as less than they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach other people from a defensive stance where I try to read “who they are” so that I could then determine “who I am” according to the others – not realizing that I am doing this out of fear and that I could just breathe, return my focus into myself and be who I am regardless of who the other one is or appears to be.

I commit myself to slow myself down by returning my focus back into my breathing whenever I remember to, because this process of slowing myself down and re-grounding myself will assist and support me to notice how it is that I assume different roles with different people and what triggers it in the moment.

I commit myself to investigate the dominant/submissive roles I take in interaction with other people and how this “power switch” actually happens in the flesh and the mind.

I commit myself to investigate how this “power switch” or assumption of roles takes place already before the interaction begins through expectations.

When and as I see myself having acquired a submissive or a dominant position with another person, I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am defining myself according to who the other one appears to be, and that the roles we take are not in fact real but what we assume we are supposed to be. I realize that by living out these power structures I support the existence of inequality. I look at how these power positions are visible in actions, in movement and in the flesh: What do I do to manifest submissiveness/dominance? Standing within and as breath I dissolve my submissive/dominant stance from within the actions, movement and flesh by breathing, grounding myself and, if necessary, doing the exact action/movement I was avoiding within my power position. (For example, if I've been submissive I will take initiative; if I've been dominant I give the other one space.)

I commit myself to write and investigate further in depth separately about the submissive and dominant roles I take, as I see and realize that what I have written here is general in nature and may not be specific enough to fully support and assist me.