01082013
Today I faced a moment I have faced
many times before. It's a moment of regret that comes right after
hesitation and self-suppression when you realize the window of
opportunity that was there has passed: in words the thought that goes
through me is basically “you blew it”. It's a moment of violent
self-hate and panic where I have had a tendency of either blaming
myself for being an incompetent idiot,
breaking down in tears and grieving over the opportunity I missed or
finding a “solution” through some actions that might bring about
the moment of opportunity again – or all of them. All of these
outcomes are born when and as I recognize the situation to be
“helpless” - when I believe and perceive that I cannot do
anything to correct my mistake.
Today I walked away from a moment of
hesitation and in a heartbeat realized I had missed a chance to
express myself to another. In a few seconds as I kept on walking away
I went through all the usual responses: I felt a wave of self-hate
and blamed the outcome of the situation onto myself; I felt an urge
to cry because I thought something had just been “lost”; and as a
solution I thought of sending this person a message with what I had
wanted to express – but then I realized: “That's not good enough.
You can still catch him.” I put my bag down and started running.
I ran to catch the person and as I ran
there was a moment of blank hesitation. I saw the person ahead of me
and I thought: “What will he think of me?” “What will I even
say?” “Why am I doing this?” “Should I just turn back before
he notices me?” - and with the last thought I knew that I could not
turn back, I would not accept and allow myself to do that anymore, I
would no longer allow myself to suppress myself and regret all the
things I leave unsaid and done. And I reached out my hand, caught him
and expressed what I wanted to express.
I want to share this moment of actual
lived change – not just change in words but in actions – because
I see myself to have come a long way. When I started this process of
writing about eleven months ago I was struggling with immense
self-suppression, which pretty much crippled me in all of my
relationships and made them impossible. As a result of the process of
writing (daily self-reflection, self-forgiveness, self-correction)
and the support of the people walking the process with me I have
grown immensely in approximately a year's time: I am able to change
the course of my life – I am able to take action – I am able to
say: “enough of this bullshit!” and start running. Within these
moments I become the change I write about.
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