perjantai 2. elokuuta 2013

Day 284: The moment of change


Today I faced a moment I have faced many times before. It's a moment of regret that comes right after hesitation and self-suppression when you realize the window of opportunity that was there has passed: in words the thought that goes through me is basically “you blew it”. It's a moment of violent self-hate and panic where I have had a tendency of either blaming myself for being an incompetent idiot, breaking down in tears and grieving over the opportunity I missed or finding a “solution” through some actions that might bring about the moment of opportunity again – or all of them. All of these outcomes are born when and as I recognize the situation to be “helpless” - when I believe and perceive that I cannot do anything to correct my mistake.

Today I walked away from a moment of hesitation and in a heartbeat realized I had missed a chance to express myself to another. In a few seconds as I kept on walking away I went through all the usual responses: I felt a wave of self-hate and blamed the outcome of the situation onto myself; I felt an urge to cry because I thought something had just been “lost”; and as a solution I thought of sending this person a message with what I had wanted to express – but then I realized: “That's not good enough. You can still catch him.” I put my bag down and started running.

I ran to catch the person and as I ran there was a moment of blank hesitation. I saw the person ahead of me and I thought: “What will he think of me?” “What will I even say?” “Why am I doing this?” “Should I just turn back before he notices me?” - and with the last thought I knew that I could not turn back, I would not accept and allow myself to do that anymore, I would no longer allow myself to suppress myself and regret all the things I leave unsaid and done. And I reached out my hand, caught him and expressed what I wanted to express.

I want to share this moment of actual lived change – not just change in words but in actions – because I see myself to have come a long way. When I started this process of writing about eleven months ago I was struggling with immense self-suppression, which pretty much crippled me in all of my relationships and made them impossible. As a result of the process of writing (daily self-reflection, self-forgiveness, self-correction) and the support of the people walking the process with me I have grown immensely in approximately a year's time: I am able to change the course of my life – I am able to take action – I am able to say: “enough of this bullshit!” and start running. Within these moments I become the change I write about.

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