Me in 1993 (?) and 2012 dressing up the best I can!
I was asked to be one of the judges in
a children's singing contest and I agreed to go. The night before the
event I was thinking of what to wear to the contest because I
realized that these children will look at me as a role model: I would
be appear to be in a position of authority, plus for all the small
girls a young woman like me does show an example of a kind – and as
it turned out, I was the only 20-something in the jury, which makes
me the person there that the children most likely relate to, as
everyone else was the age of their mothers.
So I thought to myself: I am giving
these kids the model of a woman, the model of a grown-up, the model
of a human being. What do I want to show them? Or in other words: If
I wear this and this, who am I while wearing those clothes and do I
want kids to see that?
I realized that in terms of clothing
there were many bad choices I could have made. I thought about a
really neat black dress with a business woman type of feel, and I
realized that I would wear a dress like this to gain authority, to
appear powerful, and I would thus set an example that women have to
be intimidating and serious, or even man-like to be appreciated.
I concluded that I would wear colour, I
would be feminine and that I would show kids that one doesn't have to
be serious about clothing – that it's OK to play around with what
you wear, because what you wear doesn't define you. With the clothes
I wore I felt comfortable, light, mobile, girly and silly. I noticed
that I was nervous/anxious about “setting an example” so I kept
myself in breath throughout the contest, trying to keep myself as
“me” as possible. It was a little challenging with so many eyes
following my movements and drinking up everything.
After the show I received feedback not
only about my clothing but also about how I carried myself: I had
appeared “graceful like a movie star”. That comment showed me
that it's the combination of wearing clothes as self-expression and
the way you carry yourself within the clothing that creates your
appearance – not just one or the other. Sometimes clothing becomes
an armor behind which I like to hide, as if the clothes would make me
“bigger” than I am (this is the case with the black dress), and I
have to start paying more attention to what I wear and why, so that
with every piece of clothing there would be no fear but only
self-expression – and practicality, duh, lol.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that with what I wear and why I set
an example for the future generations on what the purpose and use of
clothing is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that if I wear clothes out of fear,
I teach the future generations that clothing is used so that we may
hide behind them and thus present an image of who we would like to
be, believing our own fabric facade and hoping that everyone else
buys into it too.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that if I wear clothes out of
practicality I teach the future generations that clothing is used to
help our bodies adjust to the conditions of our living environments
and to assist and support us in our activities. (This is why I never
wear jeans, lol)
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that if I wear clothes out of
self-expression I teach the future generations that clothing is used
to express ourselves to the world as who we are, not as our
self-image, and that this can be fun, enjoyable, lively, not serious
and non-personal.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that what I wear does not define me
– that I could wear goth, hippie, business, farm, hobo, hollywood
or prisoner clothes and remain the same within all of them – that I
am not the costume I wear but the being within those clothes carrying
those clothes and moving within their limits.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define myself according to what I wear,
morphing my posture and personality to “fit” the clothes I am
wearing, not realizing that real life is not about theatre
stereotypes and that I can in fact re-define the clothes and
disassemble my image of what a person carrying them must be like by
stopping, breathing and through the touch sensation feeling what the
clothes are, testing their qualities, how they move, stretch, weigh
and breathe and carrying them according to who I am / who I become
through creation within and as breath as self-expression within these
kinds of clothes.
I commit myself to pay attention to
what I wear and why.
When and as I see myself thinking of
wearing a piece of clothing out of fear – to present an image, to
gain power, to be a character – I stop, I breathe and I realize I
am not utilizing clothing for practicality and self-expression but
for fear and hiding. I ask myself what I am trying to convey with the
particular clothes and why. I realize it is not necessary for me to
present a dishonest appearance in order to gain something. I forgive
myself for the fear and I release it by facing it and breathing it
out. I re-assess the situation I was dressing up for and I choose my
clothes based on practicality and self-expression asking myself what
I would actually want to convey in that situation without fear
driving me.
I commit myself to explore clothing by
slowing myself down when dressing up to actually feel the clothes on
me and what their qualities and limits are, and to re-shape the
clothes if it serves a purpose; I have scissors and a sewing machine,
so better make use of them!
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