08 & 10082013
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| Both a symbolic and a concrete depiction of what group work can be. |
Before and during this trip I made
several decisions on how to reorganize my life. My main occupation is
changing from restaurant work into studying, and I am happy about
that, even though I will be doing restaurant work as a part-time job
to be able to support myself. I have been working through my disdain
towards restaurant work and at the moment I do not feel resistance to
it, although I do think that I will have to return to this topic when
I actually start working again and face the points there that I
haven't yet dealt with.
I am happy to be studying because I
will be “allowed” to educate myself as an occupation, as a main
responsibility. This will allow me to focus on self-development more
than ever since childhood when my parents took care of my living.
Many people have told me that studying is hard, and I am prepared for
it, I know it's not going to be a peachy fantasy scenario of a Hermione sitting in a magical library with piles of books and
magical answers – the reality of having to read through piles of
books is really darn harsh, lol.
So, to make room for this completely
new kind of an occupation - as I do not yet know what exactly it's
going to be like, how much time it's going to take, how I change as a
result – I have decided to no longer participate in theatre or
movie projects. Cutting down on filmmaking is relatively easy because
the group that I used to work in kind of collapsed and is no longer
functioning, and not giving into the temptation to roll into castings
is not a big deal since I didn't do that much anyway. But theatre is
an entirely different challenge. I have literally lived in that
theatre for the past 14 years of my life (and as I am only 24 years
old, that is quite a lot). I enjoy the work that we do because it
allows me freedom of expression and possibilities to try new creative
things, new media, new venues, new ideas. I also very much like the
people there because they are my friends as well as partners – they
are the only solid group of friends that I have – and this is the
reason I started to write about this topic today, because I realized
I am tempted to waver from my decision simply because I miss these
people and would be overjoyed to spend time with them. I feel like
not participating I would be missing out on something, and I fear
that the group will stop recognizing me as a part of them. I fear
that I will lose them.
So why am I attracted to their company?
What is it I receive when I am with them? Who am I with them? How do
we spend our time together? And why do I see them “special”
enough to feel that I am losing something essential by not having
them as a constant part of my life? There will be other people, after
all - I will not be alone – and I am not turning my back on these
people completely and burning bridges, no. There is nothing personal
in recognizing the reality of there being limited hours in a day and
how that affects the formation of my social circles.
Rambling:
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the people who have
been participating in my self-expression have something to do with my
self-expression, that my self-expression is dependent on these
people, not realizing that even though these people provide the
circumstances in which I have opportunities to express myself in
certain ways, I am the one moving myself to take these opportunities
and thus the one to take credit for what I do and live as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I can be grateful for the
circumstances these people have provided through their own
self-expression without making it a point of dependency.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my surroundings are
responsible for who I am within them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I am responsible for who I am
within the surroundings I am, and that I am also responsible for
being within those surroundings in the first place; I never just
“happen to be there”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to give credit for / direct blame towards my
surroundings (people, facilities, activities) for who I am within my
surroundings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to give credit for my self-expression for the
people in my surroundings when in fact I have accepted and allowed
myself to express myself a certain way by not being afraid of the
response of my environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel “safe” to express myself with the
people in my theatre.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even with the people in my
theatre I am expressing the personality I am comfortable with in that
environment – the “who I am” of theatre – and that I rarely
go past the limits of my comfort zone even within theatre, and even
then within the guidelines of that specific theatre culture.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in theatre I am
“free” in my self-expression, when this is in fact not true.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I am not in the
presence of the people from theatre, I will be unable to be “free”
in my self-expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that what I have defined as “free
self-expression” within this theatre context is a very specific
kind of form of expression which I rarely utilize in any other social
environment – and that the fact that this expression is rare does
not mean that it is “more true” than any other form of
expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear utilizing this kind of self-expression in
other contexts because I have feared that it will not be understood
and that people will then judge me.
[I have been expanding the limits of
this little by little. For example, there is a theatre exrcise I have
used on the streets: I imitate the different ways people walk
(without getting caught, lol) – not to mock them, not to build a
caricature, but to understand why they move the exact way they do.
This has been a really cool way to learn about physiology, character
building and personalities.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that others will judge me for singing,
dancing, improvised movement, using my voice unconventionally and
using touch in communication because these forms of expression are
not common in most people's everyday lives.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the fact that these
forms of expression are not present in people's everyday lives means
that they are not wanted – not realizing that the reason these
forms of expression are not present in everyday lives is because we
as a civilization have habitualized ourselves to a very narrow scope
of expression, and that to broaden that scope is to introduce these
forgotten ways of self-expression through re-habitualization – by
simply doing it and encouraging others to join in.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that utilizing these tools of
self-expression (sing, dance, voice, movement, touch) would result in
nobody understanding me and nobody joining in – not realizing that
it would not matter even if nobody expressed acceptance if my actions
indeed were self-expression, which in itself is self-acceptance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that self-expression is
self-acceptance – to express myself is to face and embrace who I am
in that point of time and space.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that others will focus on how “well” I
express myself (how well I sing, dance, move etc.) and thus become
inhibited from joining in – which is the opposite of what happens
within (our) theatre, where joy of expression is primary and skill
secondary.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the reason why people are
likely to not join in with these forms of expression outside of
theatre is the fact that they have not had the opportunity, the
support nor the tools to develop such self-intimacy and
self-confidence that one learns when doing performing arts – and
that it is thus unreasonable to expect people to know how to “join
in” when all they have done throughout their lives is suppressed
sitting, walking and talking.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that I will become alienated from this
group of people when and as I stop participating in our usual
activity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate in theatre
work these people will see me as “not one of them” and that I
will lose their acceptance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that no matter what I do and don't
do with any person in this world, I am one with and equal to each and
every living being and thus cannot become truly separate from anyone
as alienation is an illusion created in the mind; In the physical
reality we are of the same matter and of the same LIFE no matter what
thoughts may run through our minds.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that as I fear “not belonging”
I simultaneously desire “to belong”, and that as I within this
desire already state that there is something I am not part of, I
myself create a separation inbetween me and the others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless
of my fears and desires I am already a part of everything and that
nothing can thus be taken away from me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust these people to appreciate me for who
I am even if I no longer wish to support the things they do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to please people so that they would like
me – not realizing that it is not “me” who they are then
appreciating but my representation of who I believe they want me to
be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see my theatre group as something I have to
“earn” my way into through actions that are considered valuable,
not realizing that while this is to an extent true (if I do nothing
within a group then I am not really a part of it) these “rules of
access” are man-made that can be abused to distance myself from the
physical reality where we are all just people of equal value, not
judges who judge each other, pass punishments and grant each other
privileges.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though I will no longer
spend time with these people as much as before, which will lead to us
developing apart from each other (not necessarily to opposite
directions) and having less to do with each other in our lives, I am
not separate from them in fact and thus do not have to fear losing
anyone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear losing this group of friends because to me
they represent functioning groupwork and a supportive social
environment – things I haven't found anywhere else yet on this
scale.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to introduce and
construct functioning groupwork and supportive social environments
myself into places where they do not yet exist based on what I have
learned while working in theatre.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to stay within my theatre environment
because there the above-mentioned concepts already exist and work and
thus I don't have to implement anything new to make things work.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear leaving theatre behind and moving onto new
social environments and new challenges because there I would have to
take what I've learned and adjust it into practice in circumstances
where it might be strange, difficult and effortful – not realizing
that in terms of development (mine and others') this might be exactly
what needs to be done precisely because it is uncomfortable.
Conclusion:
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the end of an era.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive life to consist of “eras”, as if
life was split into chapters like a book, not realizing that in
reality there is only this one constant NOW-moment and that
perceiving time to be divided in “chapters” always chains me into
the past and/or the future as a chapter consists of a beginning, a
middle and an end – all of which do not exist in the NOW-moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though one form of
interaction will not be present in my life for now, I am not limited
from interacting with these people in different circumstances if I so
will.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to limit myself from seeing all the possible ways
of interacting with these people because I have wanted to hold onto
the old familiar way of interacting with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see these people as individuals but as a
group entity, not realizing that this approach limits me from seeing
the possibilities each individual or different formation of the group
offers.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I have been emotionally
attached to the group entity – my own conceptual creation that
represents acceptance and companionship – and not the individuals
themselves, and that what I fear losing in therefore also not
actually real, which means that my “loss” is actually an
illusion.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in reality
I am not losing anything at all.
I commit myself to give myself time and
space to re-shape my life into such where the social relations I
invest my time into are enjoyable, constructive, supportive and based
on self-honesty.
I commit myself to investigate what the
difference is between having a relationship based on honesty and one
based on self-honesty – in other words, I commit myself to check my
definitions of the words “honest” and “self-honest”.
I commit myself to utilize the tools
(voice, movement, touch) I have acquired and adopted through
performance arts in all areas of my life within and as the
realization that while allowing myself to do so I also encourage
others to broaden their “vocabulary” of self-expression.
I commit myself to utilize what I have
learned from team work in theatre by experimenting with it in
university environment and study work.
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