Days 103-105: The Rules - part 5 - money and female dominance

02-04012013

This post is a continuation to:

Days 92-96: The Rules - part 1

Day 97: The Rules - part 2 - confidence

Days 98-99: The Rules - part 3 - rejection

Days 100-102: The Rules - part 4 - eye contact and talking

Part 5 – Rule 4: Don't meet him halfway or agree to split the bill

This rule revolves around the belief that men enjoy doing everything for their “special women”. “Men feel really good when they get to go through trouble to meet you. Don't take that joy away from them.” So it is adviced that men should do everything it takes to make dating as effortless as possible for the woman – because apparently women are some kind of goddesses deserving to be worshipped.

This idea of inequality is obvious in this chapter. It is stated that men love “giving everything” to be with a woman, and this is a highly inaccurate generalization. Those people who do give away all of their money, time and effort to please others always get something out of it – it is a bargain – so all those men who “love” pampering women have some kind of an expectation of getting something in return. Usually this is sex, but it may also be security, status and/or a feeling of self-worth. I repeat: when one compromises oneself for a purpose, whatever that may be, there is always an expectation that one's suffering will be “rewarded”. In self-compromise and self-abuse there is no altruism.

The part women play in this fantasy/illusion/game is one of self-elevation. I get to be looked up to, I don't have to do jack shit, everything I wish for is brought to me, I am allowed to demand and control – I would have to be an idiot to refuse, right? Remember Rule 1 – I'm a “being like no other”. This kind of a self-image is constantly reinforced throughout the book: see yourself as deserving of all this special treatment; see all of your demands to be justified.

Keeping this high position in the setting of inequality is justified with the belief that the man “loves” giving his all – “Why take away the enjoyment he gets out of being knightly?” How about not supporting and reinforcing another's self-definition where he is worth something only when he's being “knightly” / pleasing others? How about supporting and assisting another to see what their true intentions are when playing this “knight in shining armor” character? How about seeing yourself as one and equal to others, meaning you don't deserve “special treatment” any more than others?

In the book there is a compromised “solution” for those women who feel bad about the man paying all the time and doing all the work: be grateful for what he gives you. As if this gratefulness somehow serves as a helpless apology – bullshit, I see nothing but an excuse to keep on leeching out of self-interest. If you are uncomfortable about the other doing all the work, then why would you accept it? This is no Law of Nature that one “has to” succumb to. It is Law of Nature that people need to feed, socialize and continue their line of heritage – it is Law of Human that this is done according to patterns, constructs and agreements (how we talk, meet, touch, move, eat, drink, gesture) that are only found within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social construct of dating where the man pays the bill “because this is how things go” when I have been financially at a tight spot and out of self-interest (I can't spare / don't have any money) allowed the other to pay for me (food, drinks, tickets, transportation, gifts etc.).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed to admit I do not have any money to go out on a date, and that in order to avoid facing this point I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the other to pay for me, thus disguising my fear by avoiding addressing the issue of money at all and instead passively going along with the social consruct of dating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I can be open and honest about my financial situation and plan meetings accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another will judge me because I have no money as the other has not mentioned money while planning the meeting and I thus assume that money is not an issue to the other, and that it would become an issue if I made it one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree on expensive activities even though I haven't had any money because I have feared that others would see me as “less” in comparison to them because I don't have money and I believe them to have money, not realizing I don't know their actual financial situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect and demand another to be able to pay for me when I do not have money because this person has done so before (parents, friends, partners).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I fear a life of no money and the conseqeunces of having no money as not being able to participate in activities that require money, and that as I have expected/demanded others to pay for me I have been avoiding facing this fear of a life of no money (no access to enjoyment/resources).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot demand constant help from others if I'm doing nothing to solve the issues that cause my need for help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though others comply to my demands it is not justified for me to demand.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified for me to verbally abuse another because I believed that this was acceptable for a female to do towards her partner because this is what I saw happening within my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to unconsciously seek out partners who are more likely to succumb to abuse because with those kinds of people (meek/passive/non-aggressive) it was easier to repeat the abusive patterns I had learned to be appropriate/acceptable/normal within a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn that it is appropriate/acceptable/normal for a woman to be dominant in a relationship/family/household and that this dominance is best exerted/shown through verbal abuse as belittling, complaining, manipulation through helplessness, blaming and pushing all responsibility on the other through guilt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to misinterpret the construct of the female being passive-aggressively dominant over the meek male which I saw happening in my family and elsewhere in my childhood surroundings to be the “norm” according to which everyone acted and should act because it was the only side of relationships that I had seen thus far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this construct is upheld and executed by women because they (we) fear losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize this construct feeds an underlying competition of the sexes where control is sought after because of fear of losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to not realize that what I saw of the relationships of others was not the whole truth and that most of the relationship remained unseen as it was only between the two participants and even between them mostly secret/unvoiced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to misinterpret the relationships where the female dominated to be “good” and “stable” relationships because I never witnessed the underlying drama, friction and conflict because all I saw was the female dominating and the male succumbing which to me seemed like an equilibrium.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have faced the fear of losing control within relationships, to utilize the construct of female dominance which I remembered from my childhood as a way of regaining control instead of actually facing and questioning my need to control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to the inequal position of the male in relationships as the one who carries all the responsibility because dominance / high status was my way of escaping my fear of losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to the social construct of the man paying for the woman because I saw the inequality to be justified as it was the “norm” and the man volunteered for it, feeling uncomfortable because I saw the inequality yet chose to go with self-interest to escape facing my fear of losing control.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when a male has not been meek/passive/non-aggressive (controllable) because I have not known how to regain control in such a situation. [A point to open up separately.]

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mental image where the man who gives his all for the woman is “a knight in shining armor”, feeling that I'm safe and secure with the man/image, thus justifying my participation in this construct because it “feels good” and no one questions it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see the man who gives his all for the woman / for others as heroic and admirable, not realizing that as I look up to another I separate myself from the other by not seeing myself to be as capable as the other, believing I cannot be as admirable because “not everyone can be a hero”, thus abdicating my responsibility to give my all for all (including myself).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see myself as unable to do the things I perceive to be admirable, not realizing that my admiration points out that which I lack so that I could work on those qualities, not so I could feel helpless and small and abdicate my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to admire men with money, labeling them with the word “successful” as I saw myself to be “unsuccessful” because I was financially broke.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign money a high value because it is required to access many things that I find enjoyable / vital.

I commit myself to carry responsibility of myself financially by working, budgeting and taking whatever measures necessary if my financial situation changes (less pay / more spending).

I commit myself to communicate openly and self-honestly about my financial situation to others and consider practically what I can and cannot afford when planning activities, as I now see, realize and understand that a lot of the things I perceive to “require money” can be achieved without or with less money if one thinks outside the box.

I commit myself to apply common sense when facing situations where one pays for the other, as I now see, realize and understand that gifts are alright as long as one's starting point for giving is clear (= no expectations).

I commit myself to focus on my process of becoming a self-directed being in order to show myself I can fully rely on myself – trust my life in my hands – and that therefore I do not need to compete for control and/or dominance.

I commit myself to face all men as equals as human beings as Life, as I now see, realize and understand that to separate people according to their sexes and adjust my behavior accordingly is an act of fear and self-compromise.