Last winter I noticed a habit of
looking at the ground while walking and simultaneously slightly
leaning forwards. As this winter came around I've noticed it again
even though it's not as prominent as before. A couple of weeks ago I
was walking through a pitch-black forest trail and as I simply could
not see the ground I was walking on even if I had wanted to, I
noticed that my feet carried me even though did not see where they
were landing. I realized that my body knows how to balance itself
based on touch, weight, gravity and the sense of balance, and that
all of this functions completely without the sight. Today I was
walking outside and I realized that if I return my focus from
my environment to my physical body in motion and breathing, lift
my eyes up from the ground and instead of trying to spot things I
might trip on take in the visual information from my surroundings
without attaching myself to anything I see, and rest my weight
on my center of gravity (hips) and allow my back and neck to
straighten up – I physically, concretely support and assist myself
to be HERE in a state of awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look at the ground while walking because I fear
stumbling and falling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify looking at the ground while walking
during the winter by thinking “the ground is dangerous because of
the ice and snow”, being afraid that I will stumble on something
and lose my balance – not realizing that if I stumble I stumble and
I will deal with that and that it has no negative or positive value.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear stumbling and falling because I have been
ashamed to stumble because as a child I have been laughed at when I
have stumbled, slipped and fallen.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to lean forward while walking as I have been
anxious to be at my destination already, here stating that the moment
I am in is not alright and wanting to escape that which is here.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive walking to be dull and want to get it
over with as soon as possible to arrive at my destination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not enjoy the act of walking from a place to
another as I have been anxious to be somewhere else, thus sabotaging
myself as I limit myself from participating in the simple pleasure of
moving myself within this world.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to while walking lose my focus from myself as a
being in motion into my surroundings as the places I “have to”
pass by in order to get to my destination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself while walking to lose myself in my thoughts as I
have wanted to escape the dull experience of walking from a place to
another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust my body to be able to carry itself
even without my constant supervision through fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust my feet to carry me even though I
don't look at the ground they land on to ensure there are no
obstacles.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust my body to re-balance itself if my
feet land on an uneven/slippery/challenging surface.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe there is something “embarrassing”
about stumbling, slipping and falling and thus try to avoid this at
all costs and “play it safe” while moving in an unpredictable
environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe stumbling, slipping and falling down to
be embarrassing because as a child I was laughed at / ridiculed when
this happened and I misinterpreted myself to have been the cause of
their reaction instead of being a trigger.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the best way to support myself
to be HERE as an active and aware being is by moving and carrying my
physical body in a way that supports me to be completely within the
moment and firmly (yet flexibly) above and within my center of gravity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see and realize the common sense in the
relation between the physical and the mental.
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