tiistai 29. tammikuuta 2013

Day 130: Stress and disempowerment


29012013

This post is a continuation to:

I've been examining the experience of stress that has been accumulating for a couple of weeks, and I've noticed how it's affected my overall experience and state of being. I feel smaller, weaker and more fearful – and this disgusts me, which is a relevant point in itself.

Today as I've been working my way through these projects I have reacted very easily to mistakes and/or accidents. My thought has been: “fuck, I screwed this up, now I have to fix it and that will waste time!” This reaction comes from the same state of powerlessness I have lived within and as – from smallness, weakness and fearfulness.

So if I look at it from a non-emotional/non-judgemental standpoint, what are the actual disadvantages of being in this small, weak and fearful state? Well, first off, I don't really connect with people because for some reason I am constantly running away from contact – I have noticed myself not really standing within myself and avoiding eye contact with others, or being with others but not really encountering any of them. Not allowing myself to live as a social being I deny myself the support and assistance I could get from the company of others. Secondly, I think this is a symptom of the disempowerment I glanced at yesterday.



I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to collapse within myself when/as I feel stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand within and as myself when/as I have been stressed and instead collapse and not carry myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to hide from others when/as I have been stressed, not realizing I am actually trying to hide from myself, not wanting to face myself as stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face myself as stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing myself as stress because it would mean I would no longer be able to justify my self-abuse and would have to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to face myself as stress because I would then have to face the reasons of my stress.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself as the consequences of being stressed (smallness, weakness, fearfulness), not wanting to be who I accept and allow myself to be, within the self-rejection separating myself from myself and stating myself to be powerless to change myself as I would rather just run away.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am powerless to change myself because I would rather do that than face myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am powerless to change because I have not faced myself and do not know what's wrong and thus believe there's nothing I can do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse “not knowing what to do” to mean the same as “not being able to do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself as the consequences of being stressed (smallness, weakness, fearfulness) because I have set myself a standard where I am strong, independent, powerful, radiant, social and friendly.

  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive these qualities as “more than” (strong, independent, powerful, radiant, social and friendly) as I have not seen myself as one and equal to these qualities as self-expression.
  • I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the other qualities as “less than” (smallness, weakness, fearfulness) as I have not seen myself as one and equal to them as being able to direct myself, my experience and my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resentment when I do not fulfill my ideals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe, despise, resent, reject, refuse, put down, belittle, judge, criticize and pity myself when/as I have not fulfilled my ideals or met my standards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as self-expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself standards I must meet in order to “be enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to do something / be something “to be enough”, not realizing there is no such thing as “enough” as there is no one to judge, evaluate or assess me – that there is only self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life live as less than who I am.

--

Where the heck does this originate? Should I be looking more at my childhood? Is it just a coincidence – that as a child I reacted to adversity with submission instead of dominance – passiveness instead of aggression – turning inwards instead of exploding outwards – was I a clean slate in birth? Did I learn to cope through submissiveness at home, before school, from my family environment? Is that it?

I think I need to ask my mother about my childhood because I simply don't remember. Or maybe I'm not looking closely enough.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to making mistakes with frustration and self-blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to work from the starting point of fear and thus be in a reactive and tense state to begin with and then react to the smallest adversity and take the adversity as an excuse to vent all of my frustration out on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down and stabilize myself before I start working, and instead just push through resistance and exhaustion because “I have to keep moving or I will not get this done”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is destructive to force myself to work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am more prone to making mistakes when I work from the starting point of fear because then I am not really here interacting with what I'm working on and grow tense and distracted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I take the time and effort to actually slow myself down and stabilize myself before I start working on a task I save time and effort as I make less mistakes and work more efficiently as I am more relaxed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be powerless to affect my stressful work situation and thus react with “I told you so!” every time I make a mistake, taking the mistake as evidence of my powerlessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the mistake as a sign of my disability to direct the situation, not realizing that even though at the moment of making the mistake I am not living up to my full potential, I am able and responsible in the next moment to learn from my mistakes and choose to direct myself according to what I've learned – and that that “next moment” is already here but I'm wasting it on self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time on self-judgement when I could already be forgiving myself and moving forward.

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A quote from yesterday: “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disempower myself by creating resistance towards the project because of preconceived ideas.”

It's as if I'm constantly pushing through some really heavy veil of resistance, like everything I'm doing or trying to do is really burdensome and not good enough by any standards. I move because I have to – not because I'd really want to or be motivated to. By thinking this is something I “have to” do I create a resistance towards it and thus make it heavier for myself.

So why is it something I “have to” do? Isn't it fun to do this stuff? Sewing and making music and painting and all kinds of fun stuff I enjoy very much. There's various points at play here. Firstly, the schedule creates stress – or rather I create stress by looking at the schedule. Secondly, I am busy with work and other stuff and don't really have enough time and resources to get this done. Thirdly, my priorities have changed and I have other things I would rather do than all these funzies.

Why won't I just relax? If the case is that I have promised to do this and am willing to do this, why not just relax, let the schedule be what it is and enjoy myself as I do this fun stuff, for the first and last time in a while? Why stress about the schedule, when I will finish what I finish and that which I don't, I don't. I cannot know what that is until I'm at that moment in time.

So as opposed to these heavy duties there are others that are apparently “lighter”, because they are things I would like to do. But whatever I do, I simply do. In work there is only actions, and the actions themselves are pleasurable, no matter what they are. So why would it matter what I'm doing, especially if I know this to be temporary?

I will not be judged according to how well I perform this task/project. It will be one camel's fart in the desert and shortly forgotten – the only thing that matters is how I carry myself through it. I will not accept and allow myself to abuse myself through life and work – I realize this is life and movement like any other – I carry myself within, as and through this as myself uncompromised considering that which is best for all, as that which is best for all is best for myself as well. I carry my responsibility as a participant of this project, but I refuse to compromise and diminish myself for it. I cannot live thinking “I will start living when I'm done with this in a couple of months” when life is HERE – I could die any second – and that's why the current moment is all that really matters. I've got to live for myself now – no more compromising.

Now I rest, tomorrow I continue.

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