29012013
This post is a continuation to:
I've been examining the experience of
stress that has been accumulating for a couple of weeks, and I've
noticed how it's affected my overall experience and state of being. I
feel smaller, weaker and more fearful – and this disgusts me, which
is a relevant point in itself.
Today as I've been working my way
through these projects I have reacted very easily to mistakes and/or
accidents. My thought has been: “fuck, I screwed this up, now I
have to fix it and that will waste time!” This reaction comes from
the same state of powerlessness I have lived within and as – from
smallness, weakness and fearfulness.
So if I look at it from a
non-emotional/non-judgemental standpoint, what are the actual
disadvantages of being in this small, weak and fearful state? Well,
first off, I don't really connect with people because for some reason
I am constantly running away from contact – I have noticed myself
not really standing within myself and avoiding eye contact with
others, or being with others but not really encountering any of them.
Not allowing myself to live as a social being I deny myself the
support and assistance I could get from the company of others.
Secondly, I think this is a symptom of the disempowerment I glanced
at yesterday.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to collapse within myself when/as I feel stressed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not stand within and as myself when/as I have
been stressed and instead collapse and not carry myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try to hide from others when/as I have been
stressed, not realizing I am actually trying to hide from myself, not
wanting to face myself as stress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not want to face myself as stress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear facing myself as stress because it would
mean I would no longer be able to justify my self-abuse and would
have to change.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not want to face myself as stress because I
would then have to face the reasons of my stress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resent myself as the consequences of being
stressed (smallness, weakness, fearfulness), not wanting to be who I
accept and allow myself to be, within the self-rejection separating
myself from myself and stating myself to be powerless to change
myself as I would rather just run away.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am powerless to change myself because
I would rather do that than face myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am powerless to change because I have
not faced myself and do not know what's wrong and thus believe
there's nothing I can do.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse “not knowing
what to do” to mean the same as “not being able to do”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent myself as the
consequences of being stressed (smallness, weakness, fearfulness)
because I have set myself a standard where I am strong, independent,
powerful, radiant, social and friendly.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive these qualities as “more than” (strong, independent, powerful, radiant, social and friendly) as I have not seen myself as one and equal to these qualities as self-expression.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the other qualities as “less than” (smallness, weakness, fearfulness) as I have not seen myself as one and equal to them as being able to direct myself, my experience and my self-expression.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with resentment when
I do not fulfill my ideals.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to loathe, despise, resent,
reject, refuse, put down, belittle, judge, criticize and pity myself
when/as I have not fulfilled my ideals or met my standards.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as self-judgement.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as self-expectations.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself standards I
must meet in order to “be enough”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to do
something / be something “to be enough”, not realizing there is
no such thing as “enough” as there is no one to judge, evaluate
or assess me – that there is only self-judgement.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to throughout my life live as
less than who I am.
--
Where the heck
does this originate? Should I be looking more at my childhood? Is it
just a coincidence – that as a child I reacted to adversity with
submission instead of dominance – passiveness instead of aggression
– turning inwards instead of exploding outwards – was I a clean
slate in birth? Did I learn to cope through submissiveness at home,
before school, from my family environment? Is that it?
I think I need to
ask my mother about my childhood because I simply don't remember. Or
maybe I'm not looking closely enough.
--
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to making mistakes
with frustration and self-blame.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to work from the starting
point of fear and thus be in a reactive and tense state to begin with
and then react to the smallest adversity and take the adversity as an excuse to vent all of my
frustration out on myself.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not slow myself down and
stabilize myself before I start working, and instead just push through resistance and exhaustion because “I have to keep moving or
I will not get this done”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is
destructive to force myself to work.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am more
prone to making mistakes when I work from the starting point of fear
because then I am not really here interacting with what I'm working
on and grow tense and distracted.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when and
as I take the time and effort to actually slow myself down and
stabilize myself before I start working on a task I save time and
effort as I make less mistakes and work more efficiently as I am more
relaxed.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be
powerless to affect my stressful work situation and thus react with
“I told you so!” every time I make a mistake, taking the mistake
as evidence of my powerlessness.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to take the mistake as a sign
of my disability to direct the situation, not realizing that even
though at the moment of making the mistake I am not living up to my
full potential, I am able and responsible in the next moment to learn from my mistakes
and choose to direct myself according to what I've learned – and that that “next moment” is already here but
I'm wasting it on self-judgement.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste time on
self-judgement when I could already be forgiving myself and moving
forward.
--
A quote from
yesterday: “I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to disempower myself by creating resistance towards the
project because of preconceived ideas.”
It's as if I'm
constantly pushing through some really heavy veil of resistance, like
everything I'm doing or trying to do is really burdensome and not
good enough by any standards. I move because I have to – not
because I'd really want to or be motivated to. By thinking this is
something I “have to” do I create a resistance towards it and
thus make it heavier for myself.
So why is it
something I “have to” do? Isn't it fun to do this stuff? Sewing
and making music and painting and all kinds of fun stuff I enjoy very
much. There's various points at play here. Firstly, the schedule
creates stress – or rather I create stress by looking at the
schedule. Secondly, I am busy with work and other stuff and don't
really have enough time and resources to get this done. Thirdly, my
priorities have changed and I have other things I would rather do
than all these funzies.
Why won't I just
relax? If the case is that I have promised to do this and am willing
to do this, why not just relax, let the schedule be what it is and
enjoy myself as I do this fun stuff, for the first and last time in a
while? Why stress about the schedule, when I will finish what I
finish and that which I don't, I don't. I cannot know what that is
until I'm at that moment in time.
So as opposed to
these heavy duties there are others that are apparently “lighter”,
because they are things I would like to do. But whatever I do, I
simply do. In work there is only actions, and the actions themselves
are pleasurable, no matter what they are. So why would it matter what
I'm doing, especially if I know this to be temporary?
I will not be
judged according to how well I perform this task/project. It will be
one camel's fart in the desert and shortly forgotten – the only
thing that matters is how I carry myself through it. I will not
accept and allow myself to abuse myself through life and work – I
realize this is life and movement like any other – I carry myself
within, as and through this as myself uncompromised considering that
which is best for all, as that which is best for all is best for
myself as well. I carry my responsibility as a participant of this
project, but I refuse to compromise and diminish myself for it. I
cannot live thinking “I will start living when I'm done with this
in a couple of months” when life is HERE – I could die any second
– and that's why the current moment is all that really matters.
I've got to live for myself now – no more compromising.
Now I rest,
tomorrow I continue.
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