28012013
I am feeling stuck. I have these series
I'm writing but I don't seem to be getting the hang of any of them
today – and this is because I haven't been facing any of them
today. I should be writing about what I'm facing, so it's no big deal
– just leave the series and return when/if it's time to do so.
So what am I facing?
Well, fuck. Stress again.
It's theatre, work and studying that
don't go well hand in hand. I am really stressed about theatre and
its schedules because they are increasingly tight and I fear I will
not get everything done in time – or that if I do, it will consume
all of my time and effort. This stress is new as it was created after
some new stress factors concerning the schedule arose. I'm more tight
on time, budget and material than I thought I was, and this is just a
hobby – I have other stuff I want to do!
This is where I see I have been living
contrary to myself. I have promised to do projects half-heartedly,
and now I have to finish them. So when I remove the stress, all that
is left is organizing, recruiting more hands and getting the job
done.
But what do I stress about?
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to stress about this theatre project and all that
I have to do for it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that I will not finish the music.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that I will not finish the costumes.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that I will not finish the scenography.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that I will have to rush with my work and
that the end result of the music, costumes and scenography will not
be up to my standards - “not good enough”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not accept the fact that the result will be
what it will be, whether it has anything to do with my perfected
visions or not.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the end result is a sum of
each and every moment before the moment where the job is declared
“finished” - and that these “finishing moments” as deadlines
are chosen arbitrarily and are in fact just moments like any other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the “finishing moment” because it
resembles death – “that's it, hands off, this is what you'll be
judged upon” – not realizing that nothing actually ends with this
moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I judge myself at the
“finishing moment” based on how close I get to the preconceived
idea/vision of the result, and that the judgement of others has
nothing to do with this unless it serves as a validator for my
self-judgement – and that even then it's just a trigger and I
myself am the cause.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to have a “vision” of what the result is going
to be like and work according to this preconceived idea, not allowing
myself to derail and do things differently if the situation so
demands.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a resistance towards doing things
contrary to my original plans/vision/idea and thus make it harder for
myself to make any progress within the project.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to disempower myself by creating resistance
towards the project because of preconceived ideas.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look at all the work I have left and think
“whoa, there's so much work left”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to look at all the work I have done so far and
think “shit, I have only gotten so little done”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make the work load seem bigger than it is by
looking at it through fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not look at and assess my work load based on
what is actually here and what is necessary to be done and instead
look at it through fear and self-belittlement where everything I've
done seems less than it is and everything that's not yet done seems
more than it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe this work load to be too much for me as
I have looked at it through fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to disempower myself to work on this task by
looking at everything related to it through fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that this – or any – work load
is always manageable through delegating, organizing and prioritizing
tasks; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
make myself blind to this practical facet of organizing work as I
have not honestly looked at my work load but always perceived it
through fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that this work load is what it is,
and to solve the situation I need to look at what is necessary to be
done.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to consider “pushing myself harder” to be a
solution, not realizing the self-compromise will bear its
consequences on both me and the work I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear I will be judged as “not good enough”
if I do not complete these tasks according to the idea I have set for
myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react whenever I am rushed with a certain task
and take it personally when in fact it is just the other person
expressing their concern over some aspect of the project, not a
comment or an evaluation on me personally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive myself to be “not qualified” to
tackle “so much work” and thus project that self-definition back
to me through other people as perceived judgement, not realizing this
is all self-judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try to prove my value through the work I do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I prove my value by doing a lot of
work, as this is what I learned as a child by looking at my
environment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that neither working nor not
working holds any kind of a value, be it positive or negative –
that working in itself is not good or bad, and that not working in
itself is not good or bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the equation: work = positive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize I have value whether I work or not,
and that the amount of my worth is not fixed to the amount of work I
do or don't do – that my value or worth is in fact always the same
and that it is the same as everyone's.
I am struggling with intense neck pain
and a resulting migraine, which shows me just how extensive this
point is and how much I've allowed it to accumulate. I will continue
walking this point daily in writing as it is a most necessary
self-support while I work for this project.
I commit myself to no longer accept and
allow this stress to accumulate, and I will do this by writing about
it every day while it lasts for as long as it takes for it to
dissipate.
I commit myself to treat myself with
kindness and care.
I commit myself to go through my work
load to see what tasks I could give for others to complete and then
assign these tasks to others.
Thanks for sharing!
VastaaPoista