Day 8: “You've lost weight”

29-30092012

Today I met old friends I haven't seen in a while, and for multiple times I heard that either I had “lost weight” or was looking “really beautiful”. It was interesting to see what people notice as they meet someone they once knew but who, as time has passed, most probably has changed: the focus was on the appearance, which would either suggest their statements were about my health - an attribute somewhat apparent on the outside, which would suggest their focus is on my well-being - or ones born out of fear - “now that I make her more, does it make me less?”, focus on themselves. I'm aware that I have actually changed, both inside and outside, but I did not expect that to be something people pay attention to, or maybe I simply did not remember how social interaction in the female world commonly functions.

I'm also quite aware of my fear that bringing up the feedback I received here through published writing might arouse jealousy or other kinds of peculiar reactions in my environment. Just a couple of weeks back I faced a similar situation, when we had a theatre gig where we were playing a bunch of girls raised in the woods, all dirty and crude, and after we had put on the dirt make-up one of the actors reacted to me being “most beautiful” of us all in spite of the dirt and felt she was then “less” than me. I feel dumb as I face such reactions: what am I expected to do, here? Make myself “less” so others wouldn't have to feel bad? I really haven't put in any more effort than usual about the way I look: I'm simply familiar with the guidelines of aesthetics and utilize them when necessary and when it supports my expression. There's plenty about visual information that people don't know of, even though it's really basic stuff one could learn by simply being within themselves, and then define the ones who do know as “special”, and from within their definition of themselves believe they can “never learn”(this applies to all other kinds of information as well).

But now I rant and digress. I fear others will react to what I am and that I am then somehow responsible for their reactions. Which, in a way, yes, I am, but via such a complex web of interconnectedness that what needs to be done is not to “comfort” the ones who react by validating their feel-bad, but to change the system we have accepted and allowed the world to become, that supports people to believe in the social game of “winning” and “losing” for example on a measure of beauty. How to change the system? By living as an example. And that will require me to expose all of my bullshit and lies and justifications, in this case about the way I perceive myself to look in the eyes of others and how I relate myself to my body, clothing and appearance. Which is something I've already begun.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear how others might react to their perception of me, not realizing their reactions are theirs to deal with as no one can be “saved”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend to be “cool” when I receive positive feedback from others, ignoring the fact that it does have an impact on me on some level (emotions, feelings, thoughts, images) and supports the systems and cycles I live as. I now see and realize that if I don't allow myself to show and expose all the things I react with/as as I receive feedback, even if I simultaneously breathe and let them go, I disregard the effects completely and let them accumulate to further extent. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression according to how I perceive I ought to act to “win” in a social situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about looking good (= allow myself the energetic experience of “feeling good” = mostly pride), as I have not always allowed myself to look good (I have not stood within myself) and see that I have somehow “improved”, implying I am now “more” than what I used to be, when in fact I am simply different. I now see and realize I still fear I will go back to being “less”, that I will fall and crumble back to not standing within myself, not realizing the choice is always mine in every single moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming what I was in the past, not realizing such regression would demand I forget most of what I have ever learned, abandoning all I am now, and thus is not at all likely, as I am not the image of “weakness” I believe myself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “weak” and thus that I cannot be trusted, not realizing that as breath I am able to choose what's best for me in every single moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with irritation (underlying aggression) to others making themselves “less” in my presence based on their perception of me compared to themselves. I now see and realize what I react to is that I fear all will degrade themselves and no one will remain equal to me, thus leaving me with no one to actually rely on and interact with (= fear of ending up alone), and that instead of being afraid I should be assisting and supporting others to face what they're accepting and allowing themselves to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my fear of ending up alone to be able to assist and support others with whatever they're going through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if all others make themselves “less” and thus “unable” and “weak”, I have to carry all the responsibility, theirs as well; a fear of having to carry the entire world on your shoulders. I now see and realize my responsibility is of the entire world and that I fear it to be “too much”, not realizing it does not mean to commit great heroic acts like in the images and stories of heroes and titans, but to choose in every moment to do what is best for all, thus carrying my responsibility over everything. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible for others to “give away” their responsibility over the world and to be “free” of it, when in fact the responsibility will always be there even if they refuse to see it and act on it. Thus it is not valid to think in terms of “fair” and “unfair”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if others choose to make themselves “less”, there's nothing I can do about it and that all I can do is watch them “sink”, when in fact I can affect the world as attitudes and beliefs by living as an example affecting my immediate surroundings, supporting and assisting people to face their bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my hatred and shame of my past self on others by thinking “oh come on, pick yourself up”, expressing loathing and disdain, instead of living compassion and kindness to support the others to actually be able to “pick themselves up”. I now see and realize I still see myself one and equal to my past self, projecting myself into the past, and that's what limits me and keeps me from being here and living as what I am now, as compassion and kindness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I'm still hung up on my past self as I haven't forgiven my past, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself accordingly. [A set of forgiveness I am to do separately.]

I commit myself to build trust upon myself by looking at what I'm actually living as within this world as actions, instead of creating images of myself (such as “weakness”), picking up “evidence” that supports them and believing them unquestioned.

I commit myself to, when and as I notice another to make themselves “less” in my presence, return to breath and stability and be aware of any and all reactions that may surface, so that I may let them go as I support and assist another to take responsibility over their own experience.

I commit myself to stop limiting my expression by supporting and assisting myself within/as breath to express myself as myself, when and as I go through an experience; to redirect myself I need to get to the roots of my problems, and to do that I stop suppressing myself no matter the situation.

I commit myself to stand here within and as myself no matter the situation to live as an example, and, if I see myself falling out of breath, to treat myself with kindness and instantly forgive myself for my relapse.

Day 7: "I want what you have"

28-29092012

Yesterday I noticed myself reacting to another with rejection, and it manifested as arrogance and irritation in the tone I spoke to her. I had just met her and we did assignments together on this language course I'm having. She appeared to me as hysteric, unstable and with an uncontrollable fear of failing. I now see and realize that as I reacted to her with rejection, what she represented to me is something I fear. The instability and restless behavior are a state of being I do not wish for myself; hysteria is not a constructive state to be in, and I see it to be another cycle of destructive energy.

--

What is hysteria? Out of curiosity and to clarify for myself, I dug up a definition.

Dictionary meaning: “exaggerated or uncontrollable emotion or excitement”, also “a psychological disorder (not now regarded as a single definite condition) whose symptoms include conversion of psychological stress into physical symptoms (somatization), selective amnesia, shallow volatile emotions, and overdramatic or attention-seeking behavior. The term has a controversial history as it was formerly regarded as a disease specific to women”. “ORIGIN mid 17th cent. (as an adjective): via Latin from Greek husterikos ‘of the womb,’ from hustera ‘womb’ (hysteria being thought to be specific to women and associated with the womb), related to uterus .” [and then psychotherapy “healed” it with orgasms, lol]

--

I tried to let it go but the irritation resurfaced every time we interacted. I did not let myself stay within breath and now I fear I messed another person up by communicating in a way that is easy to interpret as judging. The interesting thing is, last week I had a similar situation with another student, but she didn't irritate me at all even though she was just as insecure and wearing obvious roles. Maybe I saw her to be “less” than me, whereas the student from yesterday I somehow perceived to be “more” than me? Her expression was outwards and seemed shameless even though unbalanced. Maybe it's her “insanity” or comfort (?) within that state I envy; something I see myself to be lacking. Activeness, expressiveness, extrovertedness, even though none of this may be real, even if she's acting from within the fear one is not “enough” if not active and thus pushes through by force. I reacted to what I perceived her to be, and the more I think about the situation, the more I see my perception to have been warped. I reacted to her because I saw her to “possess” that which I “do not have” (= limit myself from having), and it is not of relevance whether or not she actually has any of those qualities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being “less” as I perceive another to be “more” and thus try to bring the other “down”, making them “less” through judgement and making myself “more” as the judger. I now see and realize there is no “more” or “less”, as the value of all is the exact same; we're all one and equal. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to be “more” or “less”, when in fact none of it is real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe one has to participate in the social game of statuses and values, where one either wins and “gets” to be ”more” or loses and “has” to be “less”. I now see and realize that if one wins and another loses, inequality persists through the participants who accept and allow this game to continue, as the winner will try to keep his status (fear of losing what he wants) and the loser will try change his (fear of not getting what he wants). I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social game and support its existence through my thoughts, words and actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to my perception of another, not stopping to breathe and realize the way I filter the information his/her presence offers is predetermined and automated and can never be used to see the entire truth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my instant evaluation of another, not realizing it is not possible to get enough information of the other to know the other in a short period of time and exposure, such as seconds or minutes. I now see and realize it is also not just the way a person is but the actions he/she does that determine what the person is accepting and allowing themselves to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my hasty guesswork of another to be the reality or even a glimpse of reality, not realizing it is always just guesswork and may or may not be true; only the person him/herself knows what he/she is accepting and allowing him/herself to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and manifest it as offensive behavior when I see another being to “possess” qualities I'm not accepting and allowing myself to consider myself one and equal to. I now see and realize that as I react and attack another I'm actually attacking myself, as I am displeased and frustrated with myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be free, yet the discharge is still directed towards another and bears its consequences in this reality. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to damage this reality as other beings by channeling the aggression towards myself on another being.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to face all beings as myself by staying here in breath, not accepting and allowing myself to wander back into the mind as images, words, judgement, fear, emotions and feelings. When and as I notice myself going back into the mind as images, words, judgement, fear, emotions or feelings I stop – I return to breath, take notice of what just happened within me as mind, self-forgive (or make a note to do it later asap) and let go – and then I can continue with whatever I was doing, even if it means I have to stop doing what I was doing and ask for a break if I have company.

I commit myself to treat myself with kindness and patience, reminding myself I am “enough” as I am, letting go of “more” and “less” within and as breath whenever they occur as images, thoughts, fears, emotions and feelings in my mind.

Day 6: practicing initiation

Lately I've been re-learning and practicing initiation. As I have lived within my fears I have mostly been very passive, unless in a “safe” environment, such as theatre stage, family or long-time friends. As I realized I've been living a life of fear I started to practice initiating human contact first within my work environment, as that's where I spend a lot of time in, and then in public places.

First thing I started to practice is eye contact. I realized I sometimes “hide” from my customers by not having eye contact, which I do to convey suppressed negative emotions (irritation, most commonly). I decided I would no longer give myself that place to hide: as I look a person in the eye, I cannot hide my feelings. I committed to try to engage in eye contact with every customer that I face (I use the word “try” because some people just won't look back) to support myself in living self-honesty. It has been working quite well. As I then expanded my practice into public places, such as streets and buses, I have learned quite a lot about people and their reactions, but I have also had some really interesting bonding experiences with complete strangers. I have seen how much people hide and how much I have been hiding, and how wonderful and strange and new it is when two people actually meet with open eyes: the moment is right there for a second or two (or like today, entire minutes!) and our focus becomes absolute.

The second thing I've practiced is initiating conversation and even small-talk. I used to think I hated small-talk, that it's useless and empty, but I've now come to realize it too serves a purpose of bringing strangers together, establishing a foundation for interaction, whatever that may be. The whole purpose of small-talk is to help people feel safe and give a chance to participate in human contact through a subject that is known to all. Even if I talk about nothing more “special” or “deep” with a customer than weather, it too serves the purpose of sharing information that is essential in this reality (we ain't waterproof) and knowing we're not alone.

So I have noticed a change within a relatively short period of time, as I'm talking about a few weeks. I still have a lot to work on, though. I am only now starting to realize the extent of my passive behavior. Gotta start with the basics; layer by layer, step by step. I'm working on touch as well, but it's slower, and the basics need to be solid before I can truly explore touch as a way of communicating.

What I did notice today as I interacted with a couple of strangers in the bus was that I still had to turn my eyes away after a while before I could return to eye contact. I couldn't keep it intact as I faced resistance and gave in. The fears that have driven me are still here and limiting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is my “role” or “part” to be passive, because the world is divided into extrovert and introvert, active and passive, and that each person is born as either one and has no control over it. I now see and realize that both of these polarities exist as possibilities within each person, and that every moment is a choice to utilize either one. Neither one is any better or worse; they are simply two sides of the same coin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have no control over my passiveness, thus abandoning my responsibility to direct my experience, blaming my passive behavior on the world that “made” me that way / “God” that created me this way. I now see and realize I am responsible for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as I can become only that which I accept and allow myself to be and see myself one and equal to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to provoke reactions out of people by acting in a way that's not “normal”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the reactions I have received to be valid and take them personally, when in fact they are just reactions and my perception of them, not the reality itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed on the “superiority” I have “achieved” as I have provoked others with my abnormal behavior and perceived reactions that are “less”, feeling as if I am “more”, when in fact I am no more or less than any other person, be they at any given stage of their individual processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live arrogance as I have been insecure and uncertain of my own worth, multiplying insecurity as I transfer it onto others. I now see and realize I have created arrogance as a defence mechanism where I perceive others to be “less”, only picking up the “evidence” that supports my pre-decided view, and in comparison perceive myself to be “more” than those who are “less” - but still being “less” than those who don't fall into the “less”-definition, those who simply are stable and here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe such inequality exists, when in fact we're all one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be judged if I act “out of line”, that I will be shunned and criticized if I break the rules of our social agreements. I now see and realize the fear is not valid as the social agreements I fear breaking aren't themselves based on anything valid (acting out that which is not real by being that which is not real), and also that I am able to deal with criticism of any kind as feedback as I stand here, within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to another by being here defenseless and open within and as eye contact, as I have felt vulnerable and feared I will get hurt by being judged or abused. I now see and realize being open and here is not a state that is vulnerable (“more weak”) but a state of being where one actually cannot be shaken or hurt, as one stands within and as oneself and relies on oneself to stay here no matter what one comes across. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize letting go of one's defenses is to let go of getting hurt. [Now this is a new realization for me, wow. Not gonna make it a polarity though, “being defenseless is to be strong instead of weak!”, lol. Maybe that's why Conan the Barbarian wears no clothes?]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear initiating conversation with another as I have been afraid they would then judge or attack me. I now see and realize that if another were to react in such a way, it would most likely be an offensive defense mechanism that speaks and not the person him/herself, and that my fear of “getting attacked” is actually fear of not being able to defend myself (= stand here within and as myself). I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stand here within and as myself no matter the surroundings.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge small-talk to be meaningless, void, empty and superficial, not realizing it's actual purpose in establishing a connection between two unfamiliar people. I now see and realize my judgement and reluctance has actually been fear of “not getting it right”, a fear of failing and not finding the “right words”. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to speak and have a conversation as words are just words and we all know how to speak.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stand here within and as myself by focusing on my breathing and my body, as they will indicate immediately when and as I'm not here.

I commit myself to support and assist myself through breathing to rely on myself to be able to live through every situation I face.

I commit myself to, when and as I notice myself avoiding looking other people in the eye, stop myself by whatever means necessary, and then look for the reason behind my avoidance – why and what do I fear; what am I trying to escape and where to – and then self-forgive the points that were limiting me. I return to breath and stabilize myself within and as myself.

I commit myself to live consistency and patience as I unravel my passiveness and resistance to initiate.

Days 4 & 5: Vengeance

24-26092012

I identified a pattern that revolves around vengeance, and I am now trying to find some clarity into that messy pile of memories to figure out what actually happened and how much of it still persists.

I was bullied as a child. The social environment that consisted of my friends was in many ways “dramatic”, where a constant love-hate-battle was in play; one moment we were all best friends, mortal foes the next. At one point during my years in elementary school things took a turn where I was isolated from everyone else. All of my actions were openly judged as “weird” and “inappropriate”, and when I tried to talk to my friends I was completely ignored: no one answered me and behaved as if I did not exist. I remember one particular recess where a couple of girls were walking around the school yard just gossiping, and I hung out next to them and tried to be a part of the discussion, but they ended up walking faster and faster where I could not keep up with them anymore without chasing them and thus stopped and let them go, them laughing and me feeling like an ass. I looked around the yard and saw every girl to have a “pair”, a certain “best friend” that was their primary choice, but I was left without one as a result of some of the preceding drama.

That was the first time I faced abandonment by a group of friends.

I reacted first by withdrawing. I ended up spending my recesses alone, finding places to hide in and inventing new imaginary plays and games to escape sorrow. I hung out with a couple of “outcast” girls like me a couple of times, but it didn't really last, as I didn't enjoy them as much as my old friends. Once my teacher came up to me during recess and asked me if everything was alright, if I was lonely, if I was feeling bad. I lied and told her I'm ok. I could not admit I was feeling bad, that my sorrow was piling up as I was suppressing it. [I still don't know why I could never tell anyone the truth – as far as I remember, I have never been able to talk about my problems openly to anyone, especially any of my family members – and I'm wondering whether I was in some state of denial. This is a major point I'm going to have to figure out eventually.] [Note: may be a mother-point.]

Then it got so bad I stopped going out during recess. I asked my teacher if I could instead clean up this messy closet in our classroom, and I ended up “cleaning” it recess after recess, not actually getting anything done but just escaping the social surroundings of our school yard. After a while the girls (and some boys) in my class came up to me during a recess and asked me why was I like this, why was I always indoors during recess and why didn't I come out like everyone else. I can't remember what I replied, but what I was unvoicedly thinking was pure hatred. “After what you did you're seriously asking me that? Don't you realize what you've done to me?” Once the kids locked me into the closet and I had a panic attack and afterwards I was ashamed of myself. Shame was the only thing I knew for a long time.

Around that time I started to write poetry. Crappy poetry, yes, lol, but for me it served the purpose of getting stuff said I wasn't able to say out loud. What I said in those poems (I still have them somewhere, I think) was that “one day you will get what you deserve”. I wanted the kids to realize the consequences of their actions and told myself the world would someday punish them for for what they did. I wanted revenge but couldn't do it myself: I had no idea how to hurt another and didn't actually feel comfortable with the idea of causing pain. Thus I developed the idea that the world is somehow responsible for avenging me, because “everyone gets what they deserve”. So at the age of 10 I believed in a karma-like justice system to exist within this reality.

I later made up with my friends but harbored bitterness deep within. I could never trust them again, and I saw my distrust in them and general hopelessness about life validated when we all entered junior high school and they abandoned me again. As we switched schools the social scene changed drastically. The school yard was no longer about playing and running around – it was a place to stand still, throw scared and defensive looks around, gossip and develop all kinds of fears and desires by abandoning the least bit of free expression. Everyone was somehow caged; it was like a sideshow of most peculiar fears, needs, desires and emotional outbursts. The school corridors were not simply a place where people relocated, but an anxious showcase of those who played the game and those who dropped out. As my “best friend” told me to fuck off on the first day of junior high, I had already lost the game. I was alone and scared and everyone looked at me offensively from within their own fears, and I believed I was being judged as thoroughly unworthy and wanted to die. I was already at a disadvantage because I was one year younger than my classmates, as I had started school one year early, and I perceived myself so small and insignificant I thought there's nothing I can do to fix the situation.

Pretty soon I ended up re-bonding with my friends, though. It was never a happy friendship with them, as I was still bullied constantly (by them and also by others), but it was better than being alone. They were a bunch of extroverted people with a lot of energy exploding out of them, and the way they expressed their insecurity was by aggressively putting others down – usually I was an easy target. I was easy and satisfying to pick on because I reacted just the way they wanted to: I could not laugh at myself, which would have made their bullying null, but took it all personally and got angry and frustrated and cried a lot. At the time I was too afraid to let go of them: what if I find nothing better? What if I can't be just on my own? It's not a fear I voiced then, but a fear I now see to have been the reason to keep me with those people. As putting us all in the same school and same class was a completely random event, none of us had any choice but to cope and survive; the same fear was probably dictating everyone's actions.

At the end of junior high I had bonded especially well with three other girls, one of them my new confidante. With her I could actually share stuff I enjoyed, such as video games, as I introduced them to her and she seemed really exited about the stuff I was into. She was introverted like me and always treated me with kindness, and I adapted into a more extroverted role within that relationship. I'm still not sure whether she got into the things we did together just because I was into them, but to me it seemed she did genuinely enjoy herself at least for the while it lasted. We were always supportive of each other and that friendship was really important for me to experience after all the abusive “friendship” I had gone through. Within that group of girls I started to feel more relaxed and open up to explore things I could enjoy.

Then we went on to high school and the third abandonment came. The social environment changed again as we were moving closer to the adult world, and I was changing drastically: I had a desire to dress up in unconventional ways, listen to underground music, draw strange pictures and watch anime. It became too much for my friends to handle. They told me they were embarrassed to be around me, told me to stop doing what I was doing and I told them to fuck off. That was the end of it. I felt betrayed. “After all these years you guys can't support me in whatever it is I choose to do? I fucking trusted you! I thought you were my friends!” I was getting angry and wanted to challenge them all, every fucking cunt in the whole school who thought I was a weirdo. It was around that time when I realized I was getting really good at singing and acting and thought to myself: “One day I will be rich and famous. Then I will have nothing to do with you and you will regret turning your backs at me.” The point of revenge was still there, as it had been from the age of 10. The world would avenge me by making me famous, rich and celebrated while the rest of you would be small and insignificant by comparison. You will get what you deserve – I will receive compensation for my suffering.

Around that time I found new friends (ones I kept), but as my foundation was crumbling and I had no idea what I wanted to be and why, I was looking for something to attach myself into, something to define me. That's when I found escapism in depression, but that's another story.

The fourth abandonment was when I graduated from high school. The new group of friends I had made during high school was a supportive and fun bunch, but also lousy in communicating, as was I. What happened during our graduation night was that I fell into fear of abandonment. I was still one year younger than my classmates, so when everyone else was already 18 and had access to bars, I was still 17 and did not. I feared the night would end up with all the others going into the party that was held at a restaurant and me not getting in, but I never communicated that beforehand to anyone. A bitterness surfaced again when I dwelled in thoughts and images where everyone dumps me for a dumb, fun night at a night club with a dumb band and dumb people. As I accumulated that feeling of being unworthy and betrayed, and justified my distrust in everyone, it all exploded when everyone did go to the restaurant and I couldn't get in. I wasn't even there when they tried to negotiate with the doormen to make an exception with me – I already knew what was coming and didn't even bother going with them to try my luck. I poured it all on them and blamed them for my experience, and refused to realize I was forcing them to make a choice that would only benefit me and validate my worth. I'm glad they did not accept my bullshit: had they given in, I would have continued the cycle of insecurity to more extreme measures and eventually crashed.

I'm not going to go on to the fifth abandonment, because so much happened between this and that I can't yet connect them to the same timeline with clearness. I don't yet have the big picture.

A lot to self-forgive and redirect, but I will try and see where I get.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for my experience of loneliness, not realizing I am the one accepting and allowing myself the experience, all the thoughts, emotions, feelings, fears and desires included.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being alone and create resistance towards it, so that as I have then faced loneliness I have not been able to just be within it as myself, as a being that simply has no other beings around it, without reacting to it with negative emotions and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe being alone is something “less” and having company is something “more”, when in fact they both just are as equal states of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to see others suffer because that's what they “deserve”, not realizing that as I demand the world/universe/god to avenge me, I abandon my responsibility to direct my own experience by changing the situations I live in into such that are enjoyable and best for all by for example discussing it with those involved, addressing the problem and realizing that issues exist; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, as I did not know how to do this, not ask for help from an authority to assist me in solving the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not talk and thus straight out lie to those whose purpose was to assist me (parents, teachers, older siblings), thus making myself unassistable and inaccessible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want suffering for others, not realizing that more suffering for some means more suffering for all. I now see and realize that the desire to bring more pain into this reality will bring just that, and that it's brought upon all, including myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create more pain into this reality by wishing for it, dwelling in it, speaking and writing of it and eventually even causing it through my actions in the physical. I now see and realize the way the creation of pain is accumulated and manifested into the physical and will no longer take part in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hurt myself by wishing pain on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility of my experience of pain and suffering, not realizing I am the one creating the experience and accepting and allowing myself to experience it, and instead blame it on (give the responsibility to) those who I perceived to have caused it. I now see and realize that it was never their responsibility to carry, and that this is why I will never receive any compensation or reward for the suffering I went through as pain is completely optional, and that I as the one who chose pain am the one to compensate for myself by letting go and allowing myself to be free. I am the one who gives me what I “deserve” (= what is best for me), and that is to be free of malice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how harmful not communicating my experience to others is for myself and consequently for the entire existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that limiting my own expression by not communicating is actually self-abuse, a violation towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe others will judge me if I share my experience with them and thus fear sharing my experience with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the reactions of others as judging as I have shared my experience with them, and limit myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged, ridiculed, belittled and mocked, not realizing all of this is just a perception I create based on what I see of the reactions of others, none of which is the complete truth and therefore is not to be taken personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe others “ought to” know how I feel just because within my experience the feeling is so intense or “big”, not realizing what we see and sense of the individual experiences of other human beings is ever so limited, and that if I demand others for sympathy when I'm not doing a thing to understand what drives their actions and choices, I am being selfish (in the negative sense of the word), ungrateful, dishonest and totally living a lie as I believe all the justifications I live by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not treat others as I would like myself to be treated; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live as an example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate emotions by limiting my expression up to a point where I actually manifest what I fear the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the consequences of limiting one's self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to escape the environment that I was reacting to and perceiving to be judging, instead of facing it as myself, stable and here and fearless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think less of myself because I have not had the right tools as a child, not realizing that as I child I had very little power over my life and choices, and that as it is one of the ways society now manifests inequality, we are all responsible for messing kids up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shame and guilt over my past self, not realizing the only thing that matters is what I am now and how the present me deals with whatever is left of the past. I now see and realize the past and future me's are not here right now and thus they cannot be used as reference when evaluating my present self, making all judgement invalid. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge/evaluate myself with measures that are not here and not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for clues that would validate my belief that no one was trustworthy, ignoring all evidence that stated otherwise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make others “less” by believing they are not trustworthy and looking for “proof” that would confirm my belief, thus making myself “more” in comparison and defining myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to adapt into the social scene of junior high unquestioned, as I was afraid it would lead to more bullying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in junior high according to what I perceived the social environment to dictate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the social environment is just a contract, where everyone has agreed to play their parts to create that which is not real by being that which is not real. I now see and realize the reason I was not happy as and within myself was the way I was suppressing myself and trying to become something I was not to fit into the image I wanted to be / I perceived others to demand of me. When and as I did compromise myself and act out something I was not, I never achieved what I hoped I would and ended up more confused and disappointed. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have to become what I perceive my environment to want of me, not realizing it is all just my perception and interpretation of what I see from the reactions of others, and that becoming something I know only as an image is not the same as knowing how it is to live it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to collapse as soon as I perceive someone to judge me, thus making myself unable to see the bullshit and address it when and as it is there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am not equal to everyone else and thus adopt a defense mechanism through which I make others seem “less” than even my down-put self, making myself appear “more than” them but not actually being any more or less. I now see and realize I refused to carry responsibility of my own experience, and that I make myself “more” by not bringing myself down, but allowing myself to be of the worth I actually am. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand here within myself as one and equal to all that is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect people labeled as “friends” to provide unconditional support, now and always, not realizing people change and may “grow apart” (= choose to not walk the same path).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse another of “betrayal” when my expectations have not been met, not realizing I am the one responsible for the experience of “being betrayed”. I now see and realize those situations have simply consisted of people making choices, others reacting and accordingly making more choices – the expectations were created by me within and as the mind and they were never real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can be “more” than others by being rich, famous, talented and liked.

--

I'm starting to have a hunch of what lies behind all this. I once described that I was addicted to my social surroundings to define myself for me and prove for me over and over again that I'm ok, I'm enough, I'm good, I'm liked. I did not believe in my own worth at all. I'm guessing this attitude towards myself is something I inherited from my mother. I'm gonna have to dig deeper into this mother point.

Day 3 - creating stress

24092012

The life I live at the moment has very varying rhythm and schedules. Sometimes I have a million things to do at once and sometimes I have no responsibilities at all; these days it has balanced out a bit as I now have a stable and predictable schedule for paid work, whereas before I might have had to work on every day of the week, every time of the day. Now it's easier to manage all my non-paid responsibilities according to my day job and I have less stress about pissing off my employers.

I have been living a very busy period for some weeks (or a couple of months maybe) where I have had a many deadlines to meet and a lot of tasks to get done. It's not completely over yet but it's getting easier and is going to slow down in a few weeks, and after that it will be more quiet until next year.

Now that it's slowing down I've again noticed how much I stress myself. When I'm asked “how are you”, I tend to reply with big, loaded words and superlatives such as “very busy”, “don't have time to stop/rest/sleep”, “still a lot to do”, “so much left”, “I've got to [get something done]”, etc., making my “story” bigger and heavier and more dramatic than it actually is. When and as I do this, I make my situation harder for myself. Instead of simply being here and doing what I'm assigned to do, I create more resistance by thinking and believing my tasks are “big” and “a lot”. I don't do this within thoughts per se, as talking within my head, but I notice the attitude when I discuss my situation with other people. The experience of stress is also clearly noticeable within my physical body as fatigue, pain and worse skin condition.

I have been aware of this pattern for some time, as I have lived this sort of a life for some years now, and even though I've noticed it and even worked on it, it still persists no matter how subtly. I haven't properly gone through the reasons behind it as I still think being busy is a sign of a higher status and wish to hold on to that perception of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the relevance and importance of what a person does equates to how busy the person is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a large amount of free time (= time when one is not busy/hectic/stressed) means that one is not doing anything of relevance or importance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one has to push oneself to the edge of a burn-out to be doing “enough”, thinking that one has to suffer as much as one can bear because that is a sign of a “hard-working” and “trustworthy” person who is “enough” as measured by the standards of our society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will perceive me as “lazy” and “non-trustworthy” and “not enough” if I don't constantly push myself to my limits.

--

This is a pattern that I have inherited from my father. He was and still is a workaholic, and believes it is his responsibility to suffer and compromise himself so he can provide for his family and make amends for his mistakes. He has always made it very clear that a person has got to work and carry their responsibility of the society and that not working or giving up is a sign of failure. When I quit school a few years back he had a very hard time coping with it. This pattern was first transferred to my older sister, who recognized it some years ago, and by her and my father's example I allowed myself to adapt it for myself.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there is no such thing as “enough”; “being enough” only exists within the act of comparison, and as we are all one and equal the act of comparing is not valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that an authority will judge me if I don't amount to their standards, not realizing I am the one to direct and evaluate my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe others' perception of me as a rightful evaluation of the truth that is my experience, not realizing the only one to evaluate my experience and situation is myself as I am the only one within this body and the only one to reign over myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the busier I am, the “more” I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my balance as I am within the experience of being busy, not realizing I am still here, that I am always here, that I am still the same body and being moving through and within different surroundings, doing various things and interacting with a many different people. I now see and realize my point of stability is always here within myself, and when I stand within myself as breath there is no stress, as there is only what is here now at hand.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize stress is created within and as the mind, as I project myself into past and future (what-if's and worst case scenarios) and consequently create fears and desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the experience of stress can be let go through breathing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore signs of stress manifesting in my body and thus abuse an neglect myself and my physical needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the experience of being busy is not necessary even though I am busy and have a lot to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all the tasks I have assigned to are the kind of tasks I enjoy, and that if I feel like they are a burden it is a sign that I am not here as myself, the living being who enjoys these kinds of tasks, but as a mind-entity that creates what is not actually here (= resistance).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if it appears I'm not enjoying the tasks at hand it is because I'm not here, and all I have to do to enjoy my tasks is to return to breath and return here within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refer to my experience of being busy with words and phrases loaded with values, tones, images, feelings and emotions that are not actually here to make myself “more” as I fear being “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to impress others and create an image of myself that is “more” instead of just being here as myself and doing the things I do and letting my actions speak for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be “enough” as myself, as a being that moves and acts according to what I see to be the best path for myself at the moment.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to stay here within breath no matter my surroundings, company or the tasks at hand.

When and as I notice myself going into resistance and falling out of breath, I commit myself to stop, return to breathing, return here and face the resistance – and then let the resistance go, breathe and return to the task at hand.

I commit myself to treat myself with kindness, patience and respect and to be attentive of my physical needs as I work a lot and consume a lot of energy, realizing that if I abuse and neglect myself I abuse and neglect the entire physical existence.

I commit myself to remind myself I am one and equal to all life and that I don't have to try to be “more” - I already am as “much” as I will ever be.

I commit myself to find and remind myself of the joy in my tasks that is there naturally if I devote myself to them unconditionally for the sake of doing and stand here as myself.

Day 2 - abusing the abused

22092012

Today I heard a 17-year-old girl I know has been revealed to have a drug addiction. She has now been expelled from her high school having almost graduated, and the whole school is in a state of chaos as it appears the drug abuse is widely spread among students. My initial reaction was shock: her, of all people! Such a smart kid! From such a good family! With such healthy upbringing! But then I realized anyone has the ability to screw up, no matter the circumstances, as it is all about moment-to-moment choices, and no happy family history will stop a person from saying “yes” to whatever they decide to violate themselves with.

I then remembered something about the girl had been bothering me for the past year or two. Everytime we met (which was not too often) she was very friendly and happy to see me, but I sensed a strange tightness about her, a feeling of getting strangled, like she was forcing words out of her mouth and stretching her face to form a smile instead of simply letting words and smiles manifest out of joy or whatever feeling she was actually going through. Within those moments I chose to buy her act. “Maybe it's just that she's young. Maybe she thinks I'm cool! Maybe she's nervous of me!” And within those thoughts I took the opportunity to make myself “more” and ignored what was obviously there, making the moment an image instead of actually living the moment.

Had I refused to buy her bullshit within those moments, seen her for what she really was and acted accordingly, things may have gone differently. I did not sense she may have a problem with drugs, no, but I did sense she was not comfortable, she was not genuinely there. She did actually seem to want to interact with me, but I abused those moments for my own feelgood instead of being of assistance and support to another within the moment. Whatever underlies her current issues may have been brought to surface before it manifests like this. This is also where I do not allow myself to fall into blame: I now learn what the consequences accepting bullshit can and will manifest – even though not within my immediate experience, but within this world we all inhabit and are affected by and responsible of. It is not my responsibility to “save” people from themselves, but it is my responsibility to not accept deceit, dishonesty and lies and let them slide without doing my best to dissolve them within the situations they occur.

I now see and realize that within any and all interaction lies the possibility to assist and support one another, be it through thoughts, words, actions or simply through being here. To live each moment here as breath is to support and assist one another unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore another persons body language or to misinterpret it for my own elevation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is okay for another to be anxious if it is because they respect me and look up to me, not realizing that allowing another being to be trapped within a cycle of self-abuse is affecting the entire world, myself included. I now see and realize that by allowing another to abuse themselves as we interact is to allow abuse to exist anywhere in any shape and form; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let abuse exist within my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be “more” than another by being their “senior”, “mentor” or “idol”, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to let that manifest as ignorance and abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to be “more” or “less” than another, when in fact everything and everyone is one and equal as everything is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being “less” than another and let that manifest as looking for ways to make myself “more” within interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of being “less” into being “more”, believing my own facade and that such a fear does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breath within each and every moment, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead live out stories and images. I now see and realize stories and images are not the reality that is here and that they are social agreements between people to create that which is not real by being that which is not real; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out that which is not real by being that which is not real, agreeing to the social agreements in which we accept and allow each other's bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility to direct the moments I live within. I now see and realize that that which I allow to exist within my experience will continue to exist in this reality, and that it is my responsibility (as well as everyone's) to stand up and not allow the cycle to continue by facing the bullshit when it is here and now.

I commit myself to support and assist myself by slowing myself down through breathing to face and expose the bullshit I come across through human interaction by supporting and assisting another in a way they can hear and understand by living kindness, honesty and patience.

I commit myself to not validate any excuses I come across, be they mine or another's.

I commit myself to face my fear of being “less” by investigating the ways another is supposedly “more” than me - which makes me either want to outrun them or become “less” to balance out – and to support and assist myself to face those moments by being here within and as breath, stable and myself.

I commit myself to no longer allow abuse to exist within my experience by being here and trusting myself to be able to notice and to take action on abuse when I come across it.

Day 1 - an overview, part 1

21092012

Today I was looking at my life so far as a whole and asked myself the question: What has been my point of stability? What have I used to “stabilize” myself with as I have been unstable and looking for some kind of compensation?

When I was 15-16 years old I was lost. I had pretty much no people I could rely on (I was not accepting and allowing myself to rely on anyone) and what I though of myself and how I saw myself was a confused mess. I felt like a void. It was an identity crisis of sorts where I didn't know how to define myself or where to go. As throughout my life I have lived in cycles in which I end up losing my circle of friends or “friends” (this has happened five times now), I have each time had to find a new stability point. I have been reliant on the people around me (=addicted) to define myself for me as the environment that gives me feedback and acceptance. When I was 15-16 I was again at such a point, and then I found a new way to “belong”: become depressed. Now, it was never a “real” depression, as I decided to wear it to be accepted into the “cool” group of depressed and messed up people I found interesting. Becoming them to please them, to belong somewhere. I had had depressed thoughts earlier, even as early as 10-11 years old when I contemplated suicide and revelled in my visions of friends and family suffering over my death, but those thoughts were to entertain myself, to find an escape from my situation. I used “depression” as escapism. I of course believed it all. I defined myself to be depressed when I was 16, and ever since I've thought I really was. I now see and realize I was never depressed. I was bored and anxious and vengeful and looking for new ways to make myself “special” and “more” to be above those who “made” me “less”, to finally be the “winner” over those who “made” me a “loser”. I had energy and frustration and fatigue I wanted to express, and being “insane” and “wanting to die” was a new way to channel it, especially now that I had people to share with and who'd accept me and not contradict me. As a result I created myself actual panic and anxiety disorders.

So I have always tried to adapt to be accepted, even with such extreme means. This is probably a result of my bullying, where my free expression as a child was judged and laughed at, and as a result the other kids isolated me (I let myself be isolated). My reaction to being bullied was to retreat, invert, hide and isolate myself. Eventually I made that introversion into a character that was “cool” and “mysterious” and thus “more” than others; I justified my primary reaction and its consequences by seeing solitude (=isolation) as something “more respectable”, “less judgable”.

As I tried to compensate for my feeling of being “less”, I created ideals, standards and goals I ought to reach as a point of stability. This is where I started to idolize my sister and father, and to balance out I created a polarity of my mother and younger brother through demonizing. (Did I? I did.) I was embarrassed of my mother and my younger brother annoyed the hell out of me, and both relationships lead to agonizing conflict. My older brother was pretty nonexistant in my life even though I was fond of him, but I do recognize there might be more to my relationship with him than I now realize. He has probably affected my preprogrammed “taste in men” greatly and may even be a symbol of all my romantic encounters. Had I followed the life laid out in front of me, I would have “chosen” someone I could “save”, a nice and completely unfrightening man I could easily feel superior to, similar to my perception of my brother. (Had I become really messed up, I may have even limited myself to women only, just to avoid facing scary men.) And the cycle would have continued.

Yesterday I had a realization about my family. I was able to pinpoint the roles they've had as examples as I was growing up.

Mother = how to be

Father = how to act

Sister / siblings = the world (I'm about to face)

Each contains points I need to open up individually and with plenty of writing and will take time. This serves now as an overview of what I've come to realize so far. Self-forgiveness on what I wrote here is to come.