Yesterday I noticed myself reacting to
another with rejection, and it manifested as arrogance and irritation
in the tone I spoke to her. I had just met her and we did assignments
together on this language course I'm having. She appeared to me as
hysteric, unstable and with an uncontrollable fear of failing. I now
see and realize that as I reacted to her with rejection, what she
represented to me is something I fear. The instability and restless
behavior are a state of being I do not wish for myself; hysteria is
not a constructive state to be in, and I see it to be another cycle
of destructive energy.
--
What
is hysteria? Out of curiosity and to clarify for myself, I dug up a
definition.
Dictionary
meaning: “exaggerated
or uncontrollable emotion or excitement”, also “a psychological
disorder (not now regarded as a single definite condition) whose
symptoms include conversion of psychological stress into physical
symptoms (somatization), selective amnesia, shallow volatile
emotions, and overdramatic or attention-seeking behavior. The term
has a controversial history as it was formerly regarded as a disease
specific to women”. “ORIGIN mid 17th cent. (as an adjective): via
Latin from Greek husterikos
‘of the womb,’ from
hustera
‘womb’ (hysteria
being thought to be specific to women and associated with the womb),
related to uterus
.”
[and then psychotherapy “healed” it with orgasms, lol]
--
I
tried to let it go but the irritation resurfaced every time we
interacted. I did not let myself stay within breath and now I fear I
messed another person up by communicating in a way that is easy to
interpret as judging. The interesting thing is, last week I had a
similar situation with another student, but she didn't irritate me at
all even though she was just as insecure and wearing obvious roles.
Maybe I saw her to be “less” than me, whereas the student from
yesterday I somehow perceived to be “more” than me? Her
expression was outwards and seemed shameless even though unbalanced.
Maybe it's her “insanity” or comfort (?) within that state I
envy; something I see myself to be lacking. Activeness,
expressiveness, extrovertedness, even though none of this may be
real, even if she's acting from within the fear one is not “enough”
if not active and thus pushes through by force. I reacted to what I
perceived her to be, and the more I think about the situation, the
more I see my perception to have been warped. I reacted to her
because I saw her to “possess” that which I “do not have” (=
limit myself from having), and it is not of relevance whether or not
she actually has any of those qualities.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being
“less” as I perceive another to be “more” and thus try to
bring the other “down”, making them “less” through judgement
and making myself “more” as the judger. I now see and realize
there is no “more” or “less”, as the value of all is the
exact same; we're all one and equal. I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is possible to be
“more” or “less”, when in fact none of it is real.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe one
has to participate in the social game of statuses and values, where
one either wins and “gets” to be ”more” or loses and “has”
to be “less”. I now see and realize that if one wins and another
loses, inequality persists through the participants who accept and
allow this game to continue, as the winner will try to keep his
status (fear of losing what he wants) and the loser will try change
his (fear of not getting what he wants). I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to participate in the social game and
support its existence through my thoughts, words and actions.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with
fear to my perception of another, not stopping to breathe and realize
the way I filter the information his/her presence offers is
predetermined and automated and can never be used to see the entire
truth.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my
instant evaluation of another, not realizing it is not possible to
get enough information of the other to know the other in a short
period of time and exposure, such as seconds or minutes. I now see
and realize it is also not just the way a person is but the actions
he/she does that determine what the person is accepting and allowing
themselves to be. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to believe my hasty guesswork of another to be the reality or
even a glimpse of reality, not realizing it is always just guesswork
and may or may not be true; only the person him/herself knows what
he/she is accepting and allowing him/herself to be.
I
forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with
fear and manifest it as offensive behavior when I see another being
to “possess” qualities I'm not accepting and allowing myself to
consider myself one and equal to. I now see and realize that as I
react and attack another I'm actually attacking myself, as I am
displeased and frustrated with myself for not accepting and allowing
myself to be free, yet the discharge is still directed towards
another and bears its consequences in this reality. I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to damage this reality as
other beings by channeling the aggression towards myself on another
being.
I
commit myself to support and assist myself to face all beings as
myself by staying here in breath, not accepting and allowing myself
to wander back into the mind as images, words, judgement, fear,
emotions and feelings. When and as I notice myself going back into
the mind as images, words, judgement, fear, emotions or feelings I
stop – I return to breath, take notice of what just happened within
me as mind, self-forgive (or make a note to do it later asap) and let
go – and then I can continue with whatever I was doing, even if it
means I have to stop doing what I was doing and ask for a break if I
have company.
I
commit myself to treat myself with kindness and patience, reminding
myself I am “enough” as I am, letting go of “more” and “less”
within and as breath whenever they occur as images, thoughts, fears,
emotions and feelings in my mind.
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