The life I live at the moment has very
varying rhythm and schedules. Sometimes I have a million things to do
at once and sometimes I have no responsibilities at all; these days it
has balanced out a bit as I now have a stable and predictable
schedule for paid work, whereas before I might have had to work on
every day of the week, every time of the day. Now it's easier to
manage all my non-paid responsibilities according to my day job and I
have less stress about pissing off my employers.
I have been living a very busy period
for some weeks (or a couple of months maybe) where I have had a many
deadlines to meet and a lot of tasks to get done. It's not completely
over yet but it's getting easier and is going to slow down in a few
weeks, and after that it will be more quiet until next year.
Now that it's slowing down I've again
noticed how much I stress myself. When I'm asked “how are you”, I
tend to reply with big, loaded words and superlatives such as “very
busy”, “don't have time to stop/rest/sleep”, “still a lot to
do”, “so much left”, “I've got to [get something done]”,
etc., making my “story” bigger and heavier and more dramatic than
it actually is. When and as I do this, I make my situation harder for
myself. Instead of simply being here and doing what I'm assigned to
do, I create more resistance by thinking and believing my tasks are
“big” and “a lot”. I don't do this within thoughts per se, as
talking within my head, but I notice the attitude when I discuss my
situation with other people. The experience of stress is also clearly
noticeable within my physical body as fatigue, pain and worse skin
condition.
I have been aware of this pattern for
some time, as I have lived this sort of a life for some years now,
and even though I've noticed it and even worked on it, it still
persists no matter how subtly. I haven't properly gone through the
reasons behind it as I still think being busy is a sign of a higher
status and wish to hold on to that perception of myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe the relevance and importance of what a
person does equates to how busy the person is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that a large amount of free time (=
time when one is not busy/hectic/stressed) means that one is not
doing anything of relevance or importance.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that one has to push oneself to the
edge of a burn-out to be doing “enough”, thinking that one has to
suffer as much as one can bear because that is a sign of a
“hard-working” and “trustworthy” person who is “enough”
as measured by the standards of our society.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that others will perceive me as “lazy”
and “non-trustworthy” and “not enough” if I don't constantly
push myself to my limits.
--
This is a pattern that I have inherited
from my father. He was and still is a workaholic, and believes it is
his responsibility to suffer and compromise himself so he can provide
for his family and make amends for his mistakes. He has always made
it very clear that a person has got to work and carry their
responsibility of the society and that not working or giving up is a
sign of failure. When I quit school a few years back he had a very
hard time coping with it. This pattern was first transferred to my
older sister, who recognized it some years ago, and by her and my
father's example I allowed myself to adapt it for myself.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize there is no such thing as “enough”;
“being enough” only exists within the act of comparison, and as
we are all one and equal the act of comparing is not valid.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that an authority will judge me if I don't
amount to their standards, not realizing I am the one to direct and
evaluate my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe others' perception of me as a rightful
evaluation of the truth that is my experience, not realizing the only
one to evaluate my experience and situation is myself as I am the
only one within this body and the only one to reign over myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that the busier I am, the “more” I
am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to lose my balance as I am within the experience
of being busy, not realizing I am still here, that I am always here,
that I am still the same body and being moving through and within
different surroundings, doing various things and interacting with a
many different people. I now see and realize my point of stability is
always here within myself, and when I stand within myself as breath
there is no stress, as there is only what is here now at hand.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize stress is created within and as the
mind, as I project myself into past and future (what-if's and worst
case scenarios) and consequently create fears and desires.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the experience of stress can be let
go through breathing.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore signs of stress
manifesting in my body and thus abuse an neglect myself and my
physical needs.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the experience
of being busy is not necessary even though I am busy and have a lot
to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that all the tasks I have assigned
to are the kind of tasks I enjoy, and that if I feel like they are a
burden it is a sign that I am not here as myself, the living being
who enjoys these kinds of tasks, but as a mind-entity that creates
what is not actually here (= resistance).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that if it appears I'm not enjoying
the tasks at hand it is because I'm not here, and all I have to do to
enjoy my tasks is to return to breath and return here within and as
myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refer to my experience of being busy with words
and phrases loaded with values, tones, images, feelings and emotions
that are not actually here to make myself “more” as I fear being
“less”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try to impress others and create an image of
myself that is “more” instead of just being here as myself and
doing the things I do and letting my actions speak for themselves.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust myself to be “enough” as myself,
as a being that moves and acts according to what I see to be the best
path for myself at the moment.
I commit myself to assist and support
myself to stay here within breath no matter my surroundings, company
or the tasks at hand.
When and as I notice myself going into
resistance and falling out of breath, I commit myself to stop, return
to breathing, return here and face the resistance – and then let
the resistance go, breathe and return to the task at hand.
I commit myself to treat myself with
kindness, patience and respect and to be attentive of my physical
needs as I work a lot and consume a lot of energy, realizing that if
I abuse and neglect myself I abuse and neglect the entire physical
existence.
I commit myself to remind myself I am
one and equal to all life and that I don't have to try to be “more”
- I already am as “much” as I will ever be.
I commit myself to find and remind
myself of the joy in my tasks that is there naturally if I devote
myself to them unconditionally for the sake of doing and stand here as
myself.
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