Day 6: practicing initiation

Lately I've been re-learning and practicing initiation. As I have lived within my fears I have mostly been very passive, unless in a “safe” environment, such as theatre stage, family or long-time friends. As I realized I've been living a life of fear I started to practice initiating human contact first within my work environment, as that's where I spend a lot of time in, and then in public places.

First thing I started to practice is eye contact. I realized I sometimes “hide” from my customers by not having eye contact, which I do to convey suppressed negative emotions (irritation, most commonly). I decided I would no longer give myself that place to hide: as I look a person in the eye, I cannot hide my feelings. I committed to try to engage in eye contact with every customer that I face (I use the word “try” because some people just won't look back) to support myself in living self-honesty. It has been working quite well. As I then expanded my practice into public places, such as streets and buses, I have learned quite a lot about people and their reactions, but I have also had some really interesting bonding experiences with complete strangers. I have seen how much people hide and how much I have been hiding, and how wonderful and strange and new it is when two people actually meet with open eyes: the moment is right there for a second or two (or like today, entire minutes!) and our focus becomes absolute.

The second thing I've practiced is initiating conversation and even small-talk. I used to think I hated small-talk, that it's useless and empty, but I've now come to realize it too serves a purpose of bringing strangers together, establishing a foundation for interaction, whatever that may be. The whole purpose of small-talk is to help people feel safe and give a chance to participate in human contact through a subject that is known to all. Even if I talk about nothing more “special” or “deep” with a customer than weather, it too serves the purpose of sharing information that is essential in this reality (we ain't waterproof) and knowing we're not alone.

So I have noticed a change within a relatively short period of time, as I'm talking about a few weeks. I still have a lot to work on, though. I am only now starting to realize the extent of my passive behavior. Gotta start with the basics; layer by layer, step by step. I'm working on touch as well, but it's slower, and the basics need to be solid before I can truly explore touch as a way of communicating.

What I did notice today as I interacted with a couple of strangers in the bus was that I still had to turn my eyes away after a while before I could return to eye contact. I couldn't keep it intact as I faced resistance and gave in. The fears that have driven me are still here and limiting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it is my “role” or “part” to be passive, because the world is divided into extrovert and introvert, active and passive, and that each person is born as either one and has no control over it. I now see and realize that both of these polarities exist as possibilities within each person, and that every moment is a choice to utilize either one. Neither one is any better or worse; they are simply two sides of the same coin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have no control over my passiveness, thus abandoning my responsibility to direct my experience, blaming my passive behavior on the world that “made” me that way / “God” that created me this way. I now see and realize I am responsible for what I have accepted and allowed myself to become, as I can become only that which I accept and allow myself to be and see myself one and equal to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to provoke reactions out of people by acting in a way that's not “normal”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the reactions I have received to be valid and take them personally, when in fact they are just reactions and my perception of them, not the reality itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed on the “superiority” I have “achieved” as I have provoked others with my abnormal behavior and perceived reactions that are “less”, feeling as if I am “more”, when in fact I am no more or less than any other person, be they at any given stage of their individual processes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live arrogance as I have been insecure and uncertain of my own worth, multiplying insecurity as I transfer it onto others. I now see and realize I have created arrogance as a defence mechanism where I perceive others to be “less”, only picking up the “evidence” that supports my pre-decided view, and in comparison perceive myself to be “more” than those who are “less” - but still being “less” than those who don't fall into the “less”-definition, those who simply are stable and here. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe such inequality exists, when in fact we're all one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be judged if I act “out of line”, that I will be shunned and criticized if I break the rules of our social agreements. I now see and realize the fear is not valid as the social agreements I fear breaking aren't themselves based on anything valid (acting out that which is not real by being that which is not real), and also that I am able to deal with criticism of any kind as feedback as I stand here, within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to another by being here defenseless and open within and as eye contact, as I have felt vulnerable and feared I will get hurt by being judged or abused. I now see and realize being open and here is not a state that is vulnerable (“more weak”) but a state of being where one actually cannot be shaken or hurt, as one stands within and as oneself and relies on oneself to stay here no matter what one comes across. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize letting go of one's defenses is to let go of getting hurt. [Now this is a new realization for me, wow. Not gonna make it a polarity though, “being defenseless is to be strong instead of weak!”, lol. Maybe that's why Conan the Barbarian wears no clothes?]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear initiating conversation with another as I have been afraid they would then judge or attack me. I now see and realize that if another were to react in such a way, it would most likely be an offensive defense mechanism that speaks and not the person him/herself, and that my fear of “getting attacked” is actually fear of not being able to defend myself (= stand here within and as myself). I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to stand here within and as myself no matter the surroundings.'

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge small-talk to be meaningless, void, empty and superficial, not realizing it's actual purpose in establishing a connection between two unfamiliar people. I now see and realize my judgement and reluctance has actually been fear of “not getting it right”, a fear of failing and not finding the “right words”. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to speak and have a conversation as words are just words and we all know how to speak.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stand here within and as myself by focusing on my breathing and my body, as they will indicate immediately when and as I'm not here.

I commit myself to support and assist myself through breathing to rely on myself to be able to live through every situation I face.

I commit myself to, when and as I notice myself avoiding looking other people in the eye, stop myself by whatever means necessary, and then look for the reason behind my avoidance – why and what do I fear; what am I trying to escape and where to – and then self-forgive the points that were limiting me. I return to breath and stabilize myself within and as myself.

I commit myself to live consistency and patience as I unravel my passiveness and resistance to initiate.