29-30092012
Today I met old friends I haven't seen
in a while, and for multiple times I heard that either I had “lost
weight” or was looking “really beautiful”. It was interesting
to see what people notice as they meet someone they once knew but
who, as time has passed, most probably has changed: the focus was on
the appearance, which would either suggest their statements were
about my health - an attribute somewhat apparent on the outside,
which would suggest their focus is on my well-being - or ones born
out of fear - “now that I make her more, does it make me less?”,
focus on themselves. I'm aware that I have actually changed, both
inside and outside, but I did not expect that to be something people
pay attention to, or maybe I simply did not remember how social
interaction in the female world commonly functions.
I'm also quite aware of my fear that
bringing up the feedback I received here through published writing
might arouse jealousy or other kinds of peculiar reactions in my
environment. Just a couple of weeks back I faced a similar situation,
when we had a theatre gig where we were playing a bunch of girls
raised in the woods, all dirty and crude, and after we had put on the
dirt make-up one of the actors reacted to me being “most beautiful”
of us all in spite of the dirt and felt she was then “less” than
me. I feel dumb as I face such reactions: what am I expected to do,
here? Make myself “less” so others wouldn't have to feel bad? I
really haven't put in any more effort than usual about the way I
look: I'm simply familiar with the guidelines of aesthetics and
utilize them when necessary and when it supports my expression.
There's plenty about visual information that people don't know of,
even though it's really basic stuff one could learn by simply being
within themselves, and then define the ones who do know as “special”,
and from within their definition of themselves believe they can
“never learn”(this applies to all other kinds of information as
well).
But now I rant and digress. I fear
others will react to what I am and that I am then somehow responsible
for their reactions. Which, in a way, yes, I am, but via such a
complex web of interconnectedness that what needs to be done is not
to “comfort” the ones who react by validating their feel-bad, but
to change the system we have accepted and allowed the world to
become, that supports people to believe in the social game of
“winning” and “losing” for example on a measure of beauty.
How to change the system? By living as an example. And that will
require me to expose all of my bullshit and lies and justifications,
in this case about the way I perceive myself to look in the eyes of
others and how I relate myself to my body, clothing and appearance.
Which is something I've already begun.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear how others might react to their perception
of me, not realizing their reactions are theirs to deal with as no
one can be “saved”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to pretend to be “cool” when I receive
positive feedback from others, ignoring the fact that it does have an
impact on me on some level (emotions, feelings, thoughts, images) and
supports the systems and cycles I live as. I now see and realize that
if I don't allow myself to show and expose all the things I react
with/as as I receive feedback, even if I simultaneously breathe and
let them go, I disregard the effects completely and let them
accumulate to further extent. I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to limit my expression according to how I perceive
I ought to act to “win” in a social situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel good about looking good (= allow myself
the energetic experience of “feeling good” = mostly pride), as I
have not always allowed myself to look good (I have not stood within
myself) and see that I have somehow “improved”, implying I am now
“more” than what I used to be, when in fact I am simply
different. I now see and realize I still fear I will go back to being
“less”, that I will fall and crumble back to not standing within
myself, not realizing the choice is always mine in every single
moment. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
fear becoming what I was in the past, not realizing such regression
would demand I forget most of what I have ever learned, abandoning
all I am now, and thus is not at all likely, as I am not the image of
“weakness” I believe myself to be.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe I am “weak” and thus that I cannot
be trusted, not realizing that as breath I am able to choose what's
best for me in every single moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react with irritation (underlying aggression)
to others making themselves “less” in my presence based on their
perception of me compared to themselves. I now see and realize what I
react to is that I fear all will degrade themselves and no one will
remain equal to me, thus leaving me with no one to actually rely on
and interact with (= fear of ending up alone), and that instead of
being afraid I should be assisting and supporting others to face what
they're accepting and allowing themselves to be. I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let go of my fear of
ending up alone to be able to assist and support others with whatever
they're going through.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that if all others make themselves
“less” and thus “unable” and “weak”, I have to carry all
the responsibility, theirs as well; a fear of having to carry the
entire world on your shoulders. I now see and realize my
responsibility is of the entire world and that I fear it to be “too
much”, not realizing it does not mean to commit great heroic acts
like in the images and stories of heroes and titans, but to choose in
every moment to do what is best for all, thus carrying my
responsibility over everything. I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe it is possible for others to “give
away” their responsibility over the world and to be “free” of
it, when in fact the responsibility will always be there even if they
refuse to see it and act on it. Thus it is not valid to think in
terms of “fair” and “unfair”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that if others choose to make
themselves “less”, there's nothing I can do about it and that all
I can do is watch them “sink”, when in fact I can affect the
world as attitudes and beliefs by living as an example affecting my
immediate surroundings, supporting and assisting people to face their
bullshit.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to project my hatred and shame of my past self on
others by thinking “oh come on, pick yourself up”, expressing
loathing and disdain, instead of living compassion and kindness to
support the others to actually be able to “pick themselves up”. I
now see and realize I still see myself one and equal to my past self,
projecting myself into the past, and that's what limits me and keeps
me from being here and living as what I am now, as compassion and
kindness. I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
not realize I'm still hung up on my past self as I haven't forgiven
my past, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself
accordingly. [A set of forgiveness I am to do separately.]
I commit myself to build trust upon
myself by looking at what I'm actually living as within this world as
actions, instead of creating images of myself (such as “weakness”),
picking up “evidence” that supports them and believing them
unquestioned.
I commit myself to, when and as I
notice another to make themselves “less” in my presence, return
to breath and stability and be aware of any and all reactions that
may surface, so that I may let them go as I support and assist
another to take responsibility over their own experience.
I commit myself to stop limiting my
expression by supporting and assisting myself within/as breath to
express myself as myself, when and as I go through an experience; to
redirect myself I need to get to the roots of my problems, and to do
that I stop suppressing myself no matter the situation.
I commit myself to stand here within
and as myself no matter the situation to live as an example, and, if
I see myself falling out of breath, to treat myself with kindness and
instantly forgive myself for my relapse.
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