Day 2 - abusing the abused

22092012

Today I heard a 17-year-old girl I know has been revealed to have a drug addiction. She has now been expelled from her high school having almost graduated, and the whole school is in a state of chaos as it appears the drug abuse is widely spread among students. My initial reaction was shock: her, of all people! Such a smart kid! From such a good family! With such healthy upbringing! But then I realized anyone has the ability to screw up, no matter the circumstances, as it is all about moment-to-moment choices, and no happy family history will stop a person from saying “yes” to whatever they decide to violate themselves with.

I then remembered something about the girl had been bothering me for the past year or two. Everytime we met (which was not too often) she was very friendly and happy to see me, but I sensed a strange tightness about her, a feeling of getting strangled, like she was forcing words out of her mouth and stretching her face to form a smile instead of simply letting words and smiles manifest out of joy or whatever feeling she was actually going through. Within those moments I chose to buy her act. “Maybe it's just that she's young. Maybe she thinks I'm cool! Maybe she's nervous of me!” And within those thoughts I took the opportunity to make myself “more” and ignored what was obviously there, making the moment an image instead of actually living the moment.

Had I refused to buy her bullshit within those moments, seen her for what she really was and acted accordingly, things may have gone differently. I did not sense she may have a problem with drugs, no, but I did sense she was not comfortable, she was not genuinely there. She did actually seem to want to interact with me, but I abused those moments for my own feelgood instead of being of assistance and support to another within the moment. Whatever underlies her current issues may have been brought to surface before it manifests like this. This is also where I do not allow myself to fall into blame: I now learn what the consequences accepting bullshit can and will manifest – even though not within my immediate experience, but within this world we all inhabit and are affected by and responsible of. It is not my responsibility to “save” people from themselves, but it is my responsibility to not accept deceit, dishonesty and lies and let them slide without doing my best to dissolve them within the situations they occur.

I now see and realize that within any and all interaction lies the possibility to assist and support one another, be it through thoughts, words, actions or simply through being here. To live each moment here as breath is to support and assist one another unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore another persons body language or to misinterpret it for my own elevation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is okay for another to be anxious if it is because they respect me and look up to me, not realizing that allowing another being to be trapped within a cycle of self-abuse is affecting the entire world, myself included. I now see and realize that by allowing another to abuse themselves as we interact is to allow abuse to exist anywhere in any shape and form; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let abuse exist within my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be “more” than another by being their “senior”, “mentor” or “idol”, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to let that manifest as ignorance and abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to be “more” or “less” than another, when in fact everything and everyone is one and equal as everything is life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being “less” than another and let that manifest as looking for ways to make myself “more” within interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my fear of being “less” into being “more”, believing my own facade and that such a fear does not exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be here as breath within each and every moment, and that I have accepted and allowed myself to instead live out stories and images. I now see and realize stories and images are not the reality that is here and that they are social agreements between people to create that which is not real by being that which is not real; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to act out that which is not real by being that which is not real, agreeing to the social agreements in which we accept and allow each other's bullshit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abandon my responsibility to direct the moments I live within. I now see and realize that that which I allow to exist within my experience will continue to exist in this reality, and that it is my responsibility (as well as everyone's) to stand up and not allow the cycle to continue by facing the bullshit when it is here and now.

I commit myself to support and assist myself by slowing myself down through breathing to face and expose the bullshit I come across through human interaction by supporting and assisting another in a way they can hear and understand by living kindness, honesty and patience.

I commit myself to not validate any excuses I come across, be they mine or another's.

I commit myself to face my fear of being “less” by investigating the ways another is supposedly “more” than me - which makes me either want to outrun them or become “less” to balance out – and to support and assist myself to face those moments by being here within and as breath, stable and myself.

I commit myself to no longer allow abuse to exist within my experience by being here and trusting myself to be able to notice and to take action on abuse when I come across it.