30062013
I am right now in a situation I knew to
be coming but which I did not really know how to prepare myself for:
I am an ethnic minority in my current environment, and the locals
aren't shy to express their curiosity about it. Today as I was
walking in town I experienced it in a very negative way (and from
what I've heard, it is often intended to be so), but the thing is, I
cannot really know what another person thinks or expects, so all I
can do is to make sure I approach people with the best intentions. I
realize that I walk here as an ambassador
of “the white man” and that is why I have treated everyone with
friendliness, just to make sure that I get something right – but I
realize that I am driven by fear, because in-between
every encounter with the locals I just found myself exhausted and
conflicted. A friend of mine has lived here for about 18 months and
according to her experience there is a common misconception about
“the white men” that they're all rich and selfish, and that
knowledge affects how I position myself towards the locals. I do not
know whether it is the actual spiteful experience of the people that
I sense or whether I'm just making this up.
So in order to be able to approach
people as myself and without fear I'm going to have to face my fears.
Why am I terrified?
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that people will want to exploit me, harm
me, abuse me and rob me because of a misconception and a stereotype
that I fall into because of my ethnicity.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that there is no way for
me to influence this false image that others might have of me, not
realizing that I am in fact able to do so through my own behavior and
application, at least to a certain extent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel obligated to stand as an example to
correct the misconception of the people here, thus constantly
stressing about whether I'm “succeeding” or “failing” in my
interactions with others, fearful that others may have judged me to
be a stereotypical “white man” and that I have failed to educate
them – not realizing that it is not my responsibility ALONE to
correct the misconception of an entire nation of an entire ethnic
group, but the responsibility of ALL “white men” and/or people in
general.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even if I'd do my ultimate
best to convince people that their beliefs are misconceptions, people
might still not be convinced because they make up their own minds and
I cannot do that for them – and that thus all that I can do is do
my best, no more, no less.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to stress about presenting a good image of myself
to convince people that their beliefs are misunderstandings, not
realizing that by trying to appear as something I am not here as
myself and thus live out dishonesty, and that I am thus sabotaging my
own attempts to create relations based on truthfulness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that living as myself is
not enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that living as myself is
not enough to convince others that their assumptions are incorrect,
and that I need to present an extra-good image in order to make up
for the misgivings of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel responsible for the misgivings of others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try and make up an entire human history of
abuse and slavery by pushing myself to be the best possible
presentation of a person, not realizing that this is both too much
and too little – too much in the sense that I am trying to make
myself carry more responsibility than I can bear, and too little in
the sense that simple acts of kindness will not actually fix the
problems left by abuse (here: colonialism and war).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though acts of simple
kindness (i.e. smiling, greeting, having a conversation) will not
suffice for actually helping these people, they are all that I can
give right now before I am ready to contribute in a way that will
address the bigger issues.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect every local person to measure me against
a stereotype and thus live as the fear of failure within every
interaction, not realizing that my “success/failure” with this
challenge is not measured by how many people I manage to “convert”
but by who I am and become within it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to seeing a local person with fear
through a scenario of possible failure, not seeing a person in front
of me but only a measure of my worth – not realizing that this act
of complete ignorance of the person here with me is the exact kind of
selfishness I wish to not represent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by expecting and believing
everyone to think of me a certain way I support the whole mind
pattern of racism – I live as what I fear from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the malicious thoughts of others because
believing the thought might lead to malicious actions,
not realizing that in-between the thought,
the permission and the action is space in which I am able to
influence the outcome of the situation.
I commit myself to live as who I am –
not as a presentation of who I believe I should be.
I commit myself to trust that as long
as I am clear on my principles I do not have to put on an appearance
to show others the best I can be.
I commit myself to focus on breathing
and self-honesty when and as I interact with the locals, aware of any
and all stress points in thought processes as well as in the physical
body as tension and pain.
I commit myself to no longer justify
the existence of the spiteful “white man” stereotype by giving it
my permission to exist by apologetically recognizing it in the
behavior of others – and I commit myself to investigate my own
feelings of spite towards what the human kind has done.
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