Day 275: Missing the "clues"

18072013

Can't you see we're having a conversation?!

Today I had a moment of conflict. I had come out of the shower and into our shared kitchen there had arrived a guest I did not know. There were a lot of things happening at once, many people all doing their stuff in one shared space, and I did not know what exactly was going on because I had been “disconnected” from the social situation for a moment. Instead of stopping to pay much attention to what was happening around me (I was rather assuming I knew what people were doing) I followed myself and noticed I was hungry. I then remembered that me and my friend had bought some food earlier that day and that now we could finally eat it. I went to the kitchen table around which some people were sitting, including the guest, waiting for the tea water to boil and chatting. I brought a couple of fruit to the table and ate one of them. I then asked my friend in english if we should eat our dinner. She switched to finnish (our common language which no one else in the room understood) and told me we should wait. At this point I was getting confused because I was still not sure what exactly was going on, who this person was, what we were all doing and waiting for because based on the clues in body language I was getting that SOMETHING was about to happen. What I should have done here was to stop, breathe and clearly present my point of view: I do not know what's going on; would it be possible to have an explanation to why we cannot eat our dinner now. Instead of properly communicating I just waved at the tea cups gathered on the table and staggered some words in finnish implicating that I was unsure of what was going on. My friend then told me that it would be impolite to eat right here and now. I reacted to her words by feeling judged and ashamed, physically turning away and being unable to look at her. I sat down, took a breath and realized that I was judging myself through my friend's eyes for “not getting it”, not understanding the invisible and unwritten rules of social conduct, the expectations that were placed on a situation “just because”. I realized that these expectations are all imagined and that I am not by any means required to abide to them, especially when they are not properly communicated. I do realize that eating in front of another would be impolite if the other was hungry and I did not share – but I was by no means unwilling to share my food. Finally when the situation unfolded it was revealed to me that everyone was going to have a moment of sharing their evening prayers, where I fully agree none should be eating just to give space for silence and focus, but again this was not communicated to me so I cannot pass blame on myself for not “getting it” - I simply did not know.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to follow the invisible rules of social conduct because if I do not I will be judged by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will think I am rude, impolite, disrespectful and inconsiderate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that there in fact are absolute “rules” to social conduct dictated by some higher morale / entity / truth when in fact there are only man-made expectations the following of which will be rewarded with acceptance and the breaking of which will be punished with rejection.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow what I believe and perceive others to expect of me in a social situation because I fear I will make a “mistake” and be punished in return with rejection and judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to as a child learn to seek for positive reinforcement from others because I have not known how to build a foundation of self-trust and self-confidence and instead have been feeding my ego with the positive feedback I get from others; Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to fear making “mistakes” and desire behaving “correctly” in social conduct because “mistakes” brought my ego down and “correct” behavior lifted my ego up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the value I perceive and believe there to be in that “me” which grows from positive feedback and diminishes from negative feedback – which is in fact the EGO – is imagined, irrelevant and arbitrary, because the EGO is a fake-self created within the mind, a facade of energy, and not my real self in fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my real value is constant because it is measured in LIFE, and that my “worth” is thus not determined by how others see me or how I choose to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even when I judge myself my value is constant – I am just not living up to my true value as LIFE as I do not recognize myself to be “worthy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear behaving “incorrectly” in social conduct because I have believed and perceived that my value is dependent on how others respond to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for not picking up “the clues” for how I “should” behave (how I believe and perceive I am expected to behave) in a social situation, not realizing that if it would actually be important for me to behave a specific way it is the responsibility of those who already know this to communicate it to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust others to directly tell me when it is important that I behave a specific way and thus try to pick up "clues" by myself, because in the past others have not communicated their needs and/or expectations to me and have then blamed me for “not getting it” (being insensitive to “clues”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that it is my responsibility when another sets expectations for a situation and then gets disappointed when they are not met, not realizing that I have no part in this process whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to communicate my confusion and questions to others unclearly due to hesitation and fear instead of stopping, breathing and first asking myself: “what is going on within me?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to communicate myself clearly to others by not being clear with myself (knowing what's off-balance) before involving others in my state of being.

I commit myself allow myself breaks in social conduct through stopping, breathing and reflecting (by myself or with others) within and as the realization that it is my responsibility to know myself within interaction because nobody else can.

I commit myself to challenge the idea that interaction should be immediate, fast and effective.

When and as I see myself getting confused and not understanding what is “going on” - I stop, I breathe and I let go of all the things I am trying to understand. I return my focus to myself through breathing and slow myself down. When and as I am stable within myself I return to observing the things I did not understand. I look for the core question: what is it that does not make sense? What is the missing piece of the puzzle? When I have formed the question clearly in my mind (not through heavy thinking but rather intuition) I proceed to solve my confusion by finding an answer to my question in a way that best suits the situation (i.e. asking the question from those present).

I commit myself to build clarity into my communication by building clarity into my relationship with myself.

I commit myself to carry responsibility for my part of interaction by getting to know myself.

When and as I see myself reacting to (self-)judgement by feeling “less” - I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am mistaking my EGO for my true self. I remind myself that my true value is constant and thus cannot be “less” or “more”, and that every thought, emotion, feeling or movement within me that claims otherwise is a trick of my mind to persuade me to believe my EGO, my false self, is who I am. I breathe and I return my focus to my physical body to anchor myself back into this reality. I let go of the self-judgement in my mind through breath and assist myself with self-forgiveness then and there to clarify any remaining points.