Day 251: Rebooting

08062013

I have just slept off a few night's worth of not enough rest, and I feel oddly powerless. I am trembling, there is no strength left in my muscles, I am sleepy. There are many factors contributing to this and I will now go through them to see what and how much can be done about this experience.

I have been going on with less than 6 hours of sleep for three consecutive days. Last night I slept 10 hours and woke up today at 1 pm. I felt like I could have slept even more but wanted to get up so that my rhythm wouldn't be completely messed up – and I knew that sleeping more hours in a row would not really help me because the REM stage was long gone already. So after waking up I've eaten, stretched and walked around a bit to wake myself up, and I am now in a really weak state with not much will to move at all. This may be a sign that I simply need more physical rest after a few days of running around sightseeing – or it may be a sign of a point I am reluctant to face and try to escape into limpness.

The past few days have been really fun. I have learned a lot about the culture I am living in – and also those of the other travelers - and enjoyed the company of different kinds of awesome people. I have learned new things about myself by exposing myself to various kinds of experiences and I have unveiled some new points which I have so far been unable to write about. I have been trying to write, but basically I have been unable to focus and haven't really known what to write about so I have decided not to until I have some grasp of what I am actually going through at the moment. Last night's sleep seems to have “rebooted” me in such a way that I feel like I have “returned to myself”, to a state of stability of some sort, and I'm starting to get a hold of myself again. The physical weakness may be a sign of this recovery.

I have been exploring further the point of living within, as and through relationships of dependency. I have gained new perspective on the network of relationships I “left behind” and I now have a clearer view on how I have been dependent on the people back home. I have also realized how easy it is to create new relationships of dependency with others when none of the people involved question this. The fatigue I am now experiencing might also be a sign of the re-stabilizing that happens when the people I have been dependent on to create my experience for me have left and I have “had to” become fully self-directed again. The weariness might also be from upholding a character/appearance while being social with other people.

I've become more aware of the creation point of a personality/character, and I have for example been looking at my “drunk personalities”. It seems that when I am drunk I become very gleeful, playful and more inclined to talk to others – all qualities which I would like to express when sober but which I suppress for one reason or another and only release when I am in the social situation of drinking. So this character I could write about in more detail.

Alright, so points I will write about:

• drunk personalities
• mapping out relationships of dependency
• the creation of co-dependency
• spirituality, bitterness and spite
• hesitation

I'll expand on these in writings to come.