Day 256: Inability to adjust to changes in environment

15062013

Seoul

I have arrived to Auckland, New Zealand this morning and I am extremely uncomfortable here. The hostel feels too big and very dirty, the town seems messy, filthy and very unsafe. I will now write about my experience to figure out how much of this is my self-induced paranoia and how much is actual concern.

I have been warned about NZ and Australia all the while I have been traveling South-Korea and Japan, which are exceptionally safe countries on a global scale. I have been told that in NZ and AUS everyone will try to rob me and take advantage of me, and that people are unfriendly and malicious. On some unconscious level I have believed everything I have been told unquestioned, without placing these claims into proper context, and thus created huge prejudice resulting in fear and suspicion.

When I arrived here this morning I noticed that my attitude towards strangers had changed from what it was in Japan. I was fearful of everyone around me. I was very watchful of my belongings. I didn't want to take any unnecessary risks and leave my bag for even two seconds. This got challenged at the hostel I am staying at, because when I asked for a locker for my valuable belongings, they told me that they only had ones that cost extra and that this hostel is so safe that I would most likely not even need one. So I chose not to get a locker even though I don't really trust this environment.

Another thing here that I reacted to is the filthiness. Japan and Finland are very clean countries by many standards, and so coming here feels like I've stepped into a ghetto – something I did not expect at all from the country's largest city. It is difficult for me to feel comfortable in a place where the streets are not clean and where the floors are so dirty I have to wear shoes even indoors, like I was constantly protecting myself from something. I am used to things being clean, and now that they are not and I have to go through extra effort to maintain my basic hygiene I feel like I can't relax anywhere. My discomfort cannot be blamed on my environment, though: it is what it is and I can do my part to make it a better environment, but it is not going to become any different just because I dislike it. This is what the physical circumstances are and here's what I can do about it.

I have also refrained from taking too much contact to other travelers in this hostel, although I have noticed than when I have done so my discomfort has dissolved a bit. By recognizing the existence of these fluctuating particles in my environment I make them less uncomfortable, less alien, less distant – even if it was through just a small moment of contact.

The thing is, this place is probably just about as dangerous as my hometown: there's always something suspicious going on and if you happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time you might get dragged in, especially as a woman. But that's no reason to lock oneself indoors, because the “bad guys” out on the streets are people as well, and people can be dealt with unless the circumstances are so extreme that the other is so possessed that (s)he's “out of hands”. I will not go and beg for trouble, but I will not accept and allow myself to live limited by fear either. If I need something from the convenience store down the street, I have to be able to go and get it (because other people here seem to have no trouble doing so despite the dodginess).

So this is an issue of lack of self-trust and of a distorted view on my fellow human beings. Also stuff to do with my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the claims and generalizations others have made about certain nationalities without question because I have wanted to put down one culture to elevate the one I have been within to make it feel better, not realizing that this mindset will bear its consequences when I will eventually have to walk among the nationalities/countries that I have been putting down before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the people living in New Zealand and Australia are unfriendly, malicious and abusive and to expect such behavior from them, thus living within and as a state of constant fear and anticipation when/as I apply myself as if the others were already exhibiting unfriendliness – which in reality they are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people according to how I believe and perceive them to be instead of looking at who the people actually are, how they are actually living and what they are actually doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate these specific nationalities from me by generalizing them into a sub-category of the human species, not realizing that by doing this I stop seeing them as beings one with and equal to me, as adult human beings built of the same physical matter, and instead perceive them to be something “more than” me because they hold the power to exert their maliciousness onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if another was to exert their ill will onto me, this is the other's expression of who they are and nothing personal towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place myself in the shoes of another in order to see, realize and understand that what drives another into maliciousness happens as a consequence of the same mind functions that drive each and every being with a mind, and that from this point of sympathy/understanding it is possible to actually support and assist another with whatever is driving them into maliciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that another's maliciousness is my fault by taking it personally, not realizing that I am not responsible for another living out their fuck-ups as I am not the one moving the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in contact with other people who I have defined as “potentially malicious” and to protect myself from getting hurt by avoiding all contact with these people by i.e. focusing on my own tasks and adopting a “cool personality” within which I appear to “not need” the company of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reluctant to engage in any contact with the people I have met here because I have wanted to protect myself from getting hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is enough for me to recognize the presence of these people through eye contact, smalltalk and physical acceptance and that I do not have to take part in their activities (i.e. excessive drinking) in order to make our co-existence more bearable – and that it is OK that I do my own stuff just as long as I carry responsibility for the fact that we all live together and need to get along as equal, honest, communicative beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel isolated from these people because I do not see a connection point – something we could relate to in each other – not realizing that the fact that we are human beings and all here right now is enough of a similarity for us to recognize each other's value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will think I am “weird” because I attempt to be considerate, friendly and honest with everyone, unlike many of the people I have seen and interacted with here – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel isolated from others because I believe that others see my behavior in a “weird” light simply because it's different from theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot influence how others choose to perceive my actions, and that this perception that others form is thus not the equivalent of my actions and not a valid evaluation of them either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see people as people but as stereotypes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see people as people but as representations of my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see people as people but as the definition of them I have created based on my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fears on people and thus blind myself from seeing who they actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for comfort in my environment, and when not finding it, instead of returning to self-awareness and finding comfort from within my own body, blaming my environment for not giving me the experience of comfort and creating a repulsion towards my physical environment because I defined it as “discomfort”, the opposite of the experience I was seeking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though within this environment it takes me more time and effort to ensure myself proper hygiene, I am perfectly able to secure myself within these circumstances – it is simply not as straightforward as what I am used to, and I am used to the best circumstances this world has to offer, which means that wherever I go I will experience a downgrade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the best possible circumstances everywhere I go in terms of cleanliness and hygiene, not realizing that most of the world has never had the resources to develop such a well-functioning system as what I have lived within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my comfort zone as that which everyone should have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my comfort zone to be the one and only true way of doing things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that most of my discomfort within these circumstances comes from my tension and unwillingness to relax and not so much from any actual issues in the environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the things within my comfort zone to always be available so that I could experience constant comfort and stability, thus inevitably crashing as the experience of comfort and stability has not been built within me but on external factors which will always eventually fade, erode, crumble and/or disappear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely my constant experience of comfort on the cleanness of my environment. (This extends to other areas as well – this is why I have issues i.e. getting my entire body dirty when roaming in the nature. I can't deal with dirty/moist clothing either. Interesting. Gotta dig into this more.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my negative experience of a dirty environment is not going to change the fact that the environment needs to be cleaned up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter all sensory information about my environment based on the negative experience I have had towards its dirty spots, not realizing that not all of the areas of my environment are actually dirty – I just make them feel as if they were.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume everything around me is dirty instead of checking whether or not this is actually true.

I commit myself to face the people in my environment as beings made of the exact same substance than myself and thus of the exact same value as myself, with the same fears, desires and insecurities behind each and every pair of eyes, opening myself up to others instead of defending myself from imaginary threats.

I commit myself to become aware of the expectations I have of others, to let go of them in breath and to accept and allow others to show themselves to me as they will.

When and as another expresses maliciousness either towards me or another, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself this is nothing personal towards me but another expressing him/herself. I place myself in the shoes of another in order to understand why the other has a need to express him/herself through maliciousness: what are they defending themselves from? I direct myself to live out support and assistance to the other according to what I see and what the situation requires.

When and as I resist being in contact with the people around me either through eye contact, conversation or physical recognition/acceptance – I stop, I breathe and I realize I am escaping others because I fear getting hurt through their judgement – which is in fact just self-judgement through me adopting the judgement of another. I realize that we are all one and equal in our fears and insecurities, and that the people around me are just as fucked up as me. I breathe and I move myself out of the resistance by lifting my eyes to meet the eyes of others and allowing myself to move onwards from that point of contact.

I commit myself within all this to take care of myself by not accepting and allowing myself to be abused by others – by taking care of my personal space and recognizing my own value.

I commit myself to breathe through my experience of disgust, revulsion and discomfort concerning my physical environment and to make it habitable and comfortable for myself movement by movement, breath by breath.