16062013
Today I have been walking further the
point of physical discomfort which I started opening up in
yesterday's post. It has been pouring down rain all day, and because
I didn't want to spend the entire day indoors I decided to face the
rough weather and went out. I got soaked in the rain quite fast and I
made a decision to support myself in these conditions by buying
myself a pair of gumboots – god darnit did I love myself for this
decision, lol, because the boots just brought me so much comfort and
protection. I really don't want to get sick while I travel, so this
was a good move in that sense.
As I was walking down towards the
harbor I started to realize that I am just not going to stay dry in
any way in this weather, and that I could just let go of even
attempting to do so and say “screw it! bring it on!” and embrace
the weather for what it was. I have a dry (yet filthy) hostel to
return to, so I will not die even if I let myself get wet right now.
And so I stopped to breathe for a while and realized how much I enjoy
the feeling of raindrops pummeling my face, water flowing down from
my forehead through my eyelashes to my cheeks, water everywhere, in
my eyes and mouth, dripping down, caressing. The texture of wet cloth
is still something I do not really enjoy (but a sensation I could
explore), but man, water on skin feels awesome, and while walking
around trying to protect myself from it I ignored it completely.
When I had stopped to embrace the
sensation of rain, I also realized that the wind was huge and strong
and that I would actually enjoy just standing within the wind – and
that it wasn't that cold at all, it was a warm wind that would not
make me sick. So because of a fear of going beyond my comfort zone I
was about to ignore all the small pleasantries within my
circumstances.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear the sensation of wet cloth on my skin
because I find it uncomfortable and have defined it a sign of
conditions that will make me physically sick.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear and resent the sensation of wet shoes on
my feet because I have defined it a sign of conditions that will make
me physically sick and thus find it uncomfortable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not stop and actually feel the water flowing on
my feet and in-between my toes to realize that the sensation itself
is not uncomfortable but the associations I get from it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to my shoes getting soaked by thinking
“fuck!” as I was attempting to keep my feet dry despite the
weather conditions in which it was impossible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I went out, to not consider the
weather conditions realistically in order to see that I would not be
able to avoid getting my feet wet and instead hold onto the belief
that if I try really hard I would be able to avoid this.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get disappointed when I got my feet wet because
I had kept up an irrational wish of not getting my feet wet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try and keep myself dry with measures that
weren't enough to do that and then feel uncomfortable and fearful
when my measures failed me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try and escape the weather conditions instead
of embracing them because I had defined them as something that needs
to be avoided or else I'll get sick.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by following my definitions of
things instead of stopping to see and experience what things are
actually like I miss out on life itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my definitions of things are
not the equivalent of the actual reality of things, and that to
believe my definitions over actually exploring the world is to live
in a self-created fantasy world and to confine myself into my comfort
zone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from the weather conditions I
have defined to be “uncomfortable”, “impractical” and
“dangerous” and to not consider the situation and circumstances
at hand to see what's actually going on – for example, I forgive
myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize
and understand that the weather is warm enough to not make the rainy
conditions dangerous for my health, and that because I have a living
space to return to any time I want I am not at the mercy of the
weather conditions, and that because of these facts the weather is
not dangerous – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and
allowed myself to believe that the weather here is impractical
because the rain makes me wet which I experience to be uncomfortable,
not realizing that my experience of discomfort is not necessary by
any measure. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed
myself to deny myself the enjoyable experience of being within these
extreme weather conditions with my fears and imagination.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resent the sensation of wet cloth against my
skin, not realizing that wet cloth is just water and fibre, both
textures that I recognize, and that it is not these textures that I
am escaping but my own skin.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to avoid putting myself in circumstances in which
the sensations of my body are beyond my current comfort zone by
always keeping myself within circumstances where my bodily sensations
are “comfortable” - not realizing that while I do this I limit
myself extensively as I deny a whole world of possibilities simply
because of how my body would feel.
When and as I feel discomfort while
wearing wet clothing, I stop, I breathe and I bring my awareness to
all of my body, back and front, right and left, up and down, focusing
on my toes and fingers. I explore the sensations in my body as caused
by the wet cloth/material. After this I make an assessment of the
conditions I am in to see whether it is advisable to do something
about it or if it is possible to stay and embrace the situation to
push the borders of my comfort zone further through practice and
exposement.
I commit myself to live out self-care
by wearing my gumboots in wet conditions to ensure myself physical
wellbeing through avoiding conditions that would get me sick as I
see, realize and understand through practical trial and error that
wet feet get a person sick faster than any other body part.
I commit myself to embrace the weather
I am in and to through this become aware of the definitions I have
assigned to different weather conditions in order to investigate
whether these definitions are in accordance to actual reality or not.
I commit myself to stop separating
myself from the physical reality I live in by investigating the
definitions I have assigned to different aspects of nature, weather
and the touch sensation.
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