Day 396: Resentment towards "love"

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Magical love rainbow beams oh god I just want to VOMIT

While reading through my last post about falling in love I realized how I was trying to distance myself from the concept of love in my writing, trying to make it appear as if “love” was something of lesser value and separate from me. I realized that this is a pattern I have had ever since childhood: I fear admitting to loving or liking someone. I have created a separation between myself and love, alienating myself from love, resenting it – thinking of it as a weakness. This is basically how I have felt myself when exposed in loving someone – weak and vulnerable – and so I have taken on that judgement towards all love, seeing all caring as “infatuation”. To protect myself I have taken an aggressively defensive approach towards the concept of love.

I've been examining this mindset in my habits for some time now. For example, I've had the habit of avoiding the people I like and waiting for them to come to me. I've realized that this is really backwards behavior: how would anyone know I want to approach them if I avoid them?! I have now been practicing for example allowing myself to show and express the fact that I enjoy the presence of someone or that I am happy about seeing someone.

But only now I am starting to see how this refusal of love extends a lot further than just some habits. It is fear of exposement, trying to appear strong and stoic, not realizing that exposement IS the only way of being unwaveringly stable, as then there are no weak spots left to be jabbed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my feelings of care, attraction, enjoyment, joy and enthusiasm (love) by thinking of them as “foolish” and “stupid”, not realizing that I have been distancing myself from these feelings because I have felt weak and vulnerable when experiencing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if my feelings of care, attraction, enjoyment, joy and enthusiasm are seen I will be ridiculed and thus hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all this is actually circular reasoning:

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I only get hurt by the remarks of others if I accept and allow myself to take these remarks personally.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I had nothing to hide, I would not be afraid of others seeing who I am.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I showed myself to others, I would not have to fear getting hurt.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by hiding my feelings I sabotage myself by causing myself to be in a position where I will eventually get hurt as something of me gets exposed.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I didn't hide myself, I would in fact be safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that exposement is strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to learn to fear and hide my feelings by observing my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to reinforce this pattern by succumbing to group dynamics in school where I took the role of the “quiet kid”, thus not expressing myself unabashed but rather letting others take the stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to lock myself into this position of not speaking / not expressing, not taking the chance to learn to express myself even when our family dynamics changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to learn to hide my feelings because I experienced my family environment as “chaotic”, thus attempting to bring balance into my environment by denying my own experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to hide my feelings in an attempt to avoid chaos/conflict as I haven't had a ready model on how to deal with it – not realizing that I am no longer a child and no longer have to fear chaos as I am not “at the mercy” of my environment but can in fact shape it through my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if there's chaos/conflict in my environment, I know how to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to know how to deal with chaos/conflict as I have forgotten to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe and thus lose my stability in challenging situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I fear getting exposed, thus forgetting that getting exposed is not dangerous as I will remain here nevertheless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I get exposed (by my own will or another's), thus getting stuck in the situation as the reaction of fear paralyzes me, not realizing that through breathing I could accept my exposement and stand within and as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by remembering to breathe and remaining HERE I also support others to remain stable when and as they expose themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the experience of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my status and image if I allowed myself the experience of love, not realizing that I am not actually afraid of my image breaking in the eyes of others but of my self-image breaking in my own eyes, wanting to be stoic and strong because this is the role I assigned for myself as a child per to my circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don't have to be stoic and strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-suppression is not strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed about using the word “love” as I judge love to be stupid, irrational, worthless and air-headed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the feelings, actions and motivations we compile under the word “love” - which differ from definition to definition – can in fact be beneficial, supportive, constructive, wise and worthwhile, and that it simply depends on how I choose to define “love” for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent all concepts of love based on those that define love to be possessive, addictive, exclusive, irresponsible and a “mystery”, not realizing that this is not what “love” has to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love according to how it's portrayed in the mainstream world through stories and images.

• redefining the word 'love' for myself:
  • an act of good will considered upon what is the best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love as a bundle of feelings when in fact love can only bear fruit when it is acted upon, not when it's just felt.

“Love, love is a verb

love is a doing word

fearless on my breath”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that simply breathing can be an act of love.

I commit myself to explore the word 'love' and the concept of love in my daily living.

• I commit myself to use the word 'love' to work my way through the resentment I have built against it.

I commit myself to support myself through my fear of exposement through breathing.

I commit myself to show myself love/care by reminding myself to breathe.

Now that I see, realize and understand that I am alive so that I could enjoy life with other living beings – enjoyment here not only meaning positive feelings but all learning experiences, be they more or less painful – I commit myself to take chances with other beings and take “leaps of faith” by exposing myself, thus showing and teaching myself that I have nothing to fear.

I commit myself to investigate my reactions to perceived criticism when I take things personally to lessen my fear of rejection/refusal.

Day 395: Mapping out the experience of "falling in love"

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Type "falling in love" into google image search, and you'll see just the other side of this coin.

I have recently been walking through the energetic experience many call “falling in love”. This has been interesting, because even though I have gone through this experience many times before, I have never before had awareness of how the experience is created, and thus I have always been “swept away” by it more or less.

First off, I am frightened about this experience, because I fear it will warp my relationship to the person the energy is directed towards. My experience so far has shown that every experience of love eventually turns into an experience of hate. I have ended up resenting every person I have “fallen in love” with – and god dammit, I do not want to resent this person, or anyone at all, I really don't want to create a relationship that is doomed to become charged with underlying negativity and fall apart. To build on the experience of “love” is to bring about the polarity at some point, and it would be irresponsible of me to just ignore it and “go with the flow”.

Secondly, I am a little overwhelmed by the massive energy build-up that I've accumulated through feelings, reactions, thoughts and imaginations. I can see the thoughts and fantasies when they're here, and I have been trying to map them out to see what need it is I am fulfilling in the thought/image. I haven't been writing any of them down, and this has made it more difficult to track what's going on. During my highest energy peaks I've been trying to teach myself to channel and release the energy and direct myself according to common sense, although here lies the risk that I am suppressing myself, which is no good either.

I realize that this energy build-up has already started many years ago when I have first met this person, and that now the circumstances have simply been favourable for acting upon it – I've thought to myself that I am “finally ready” to face this person. In a way this is accurate. I've come to realize that who I've believed the other to be is not in fact who he really is, because the image I've had of him has been shattering when I have changed my positioning within our interaction into one based on self-honesty (occasionally I am still scared shitless and play along with the usual social patterns on auto-pilot). So yes, in a way I have been “ready” to see him as he is. I used to react to him with a mixture of fear and awe, but with the image of him being replaced with knowing him as a human being both the fear and the awe have vanished. This hasn't decreased my affection, quite the opposite, it has simply brought me down to earth.

Having released those reactions, the “love” aspect still remains. I can see that it's an accumulation of energy that has been triggered in reactions I've had within our interaction – many small moments of “oh!” turning into a fucking fanfare. These reactions require precise mapping, because right now they're still a blur to me.

• seeing him (wanting his presence / fear of not having his presence) –> fulfillment / unfulfillment
• touching him (wanting acceptance/attention / fear of rejection) –> gratification / disappointment
• discussing with him (wanting to succeed / fear of failure) – looking for signs of approval –> success / failure

• reacting to opportunities: when the circumstances are right, seeing a storyline that could be fulfilled –> choosing to want/resent the outcome –> creating anticipation –> blocking myself with tension

There are probably many others, but these are the most basic ones I could find based on memory. I need to start paying attention to these reactions when they occur – not to suppress them (note to self) but to know myself and to direct myself according to who I reveal myself to be. Fuck, I still have a big issue with self-suppression, because on some level I still believe that I “shouldn't feel like this” or that I most definitely shouldn't act upon any of this. Some of the guilt aspects I have worked my way through, but some remain.

I don't believe I should be too hesitant, though. I can trust myself to see what I'm doing and if nothing else, to carry responsibility for the consequences of my actions, whatever they may be. I, like many others, fear making mistakes above all, and I haven't yet solidified the fact that as well as on other fields of life one learns through trial and error, so does one learn in relationships as well. I've already done some of the major mistakes and learned a lot, so I don't think I can fuck this up that badly, lol.

Continuing with self-forgiveness and with more mapping.

Day 394: Failing at life

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I have thought about my participation within the Desteni group and how it's been wavering quite a lot within the past 6 months or so. I make commitments to keep up a steady pace of producing content, to interact with the other group members, to partake in the maintenance of the group projects – and I always end up failing more or less. I haven't been able to keep up my pace of writing this blog at least 3-4 days a week – a drop from the 7 days a week I used to do for several months – and this blog is pretty much the last piece of participation I've been holding onto, because I have really not wanted to let it go. I have seen the practical value of writing and publishing my writings, and I feel that if I were to completely drop the blog I would completely and utterly FAIL, like giving up on myself in some way.

I just now asked myself about this, and I was surprised how clear it all suddenly was. The reason I fear taking on this commitment and investing my time on it is because I fear losing the people around me. I fear that if I were to change into the next gear (“next” here doesn't imply “better”, just a stage of movement to a direction), the people I hold dear would scatter away. But I can see that whoever I become, there will always be someone to agree with me and get into the car with me – lol, such a good metaphor – and that me holding onto people is an act of fear and not one of practicality. Of course this doesn't mean that I will lose the people around me, but I am not even giving them a chance to face that decision.

In a way I am living within and as a compromise: I see that to change my living would be impractical in terms of coping, and so I adapt to my circumstances. I adapt myself because I fear there would be no one left if I didn't.

What I mean by this in practice is that even though I am currently very busy with my studies and work, I am also spending plenty of time on recreation and procrastinating (not that they're the same thing). I realize that recreational time is important for me because through it I give myself freedom to create and express in ways that do not fit within my work schemes, and through recreation I also give myself time to rest and recover from any possible stress my body and mind have undergone. But not all of my “free time” is used in this manner. Sometimes I simply avoid doing anything of relevance because I have driven myself into mental exhaustion, and I justify this with the need to “rest” without asking why the fatigue is there in the first place and whether it could have been avoided. There's also a guilt aspect to this, where I accuse myself of having “indulged” in recreation, even though when I honestly look at my doings I know that this is not the case. I have taken care of my responsibilities – except for this commitment to participate with Desteni.

It might also be that I am simply trying to carry too much, that I am only starting to recognize my own limits. Maybe I am way too occupied at the moment to add on any more responsibility without turning it into a stressful compromise of a life. I know that my studies will be over in a couple of months, and that I will then be able to for a while focus on other tasks. I know that stressing about it will only make it worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not living up to my commitment to participate in Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to take on responsibility as a part of the Desteni group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to update my Journey To Life blog because I have defined upholding the blog to mean that I am “doing OK”, that I am active and willful, that I am consistently walking my process towards becoming a competent human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have already failed at upholding the blog, if not a year ago when I broke my writing rhythm for the first time, then at least this winter when I failed to write even once a week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I have failed my process by not writing a blog post every day, not realizing that I have in fact been walking my process in practice and in private writings, if not every day of the week, then at least more than half of the days, and that I have not failed my process but simply failed the task of reporting about it to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail the commitment to report about my process to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to walk my process because I perceive and believe that I will then fail at life and as a living human being, not realizing that “failure” and “success” are simply different outcomes of different choices and actions, and that I have just decided to charge some with positive meanings and others with negative meanings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when I die there will be someone/something to measure how “well” I have lived my life and that I would then feel shame / pride according to the result – not realizing that shame and pride have to do with this world and this reality and how things work in this dimension of existence, assuming that life after death will be as it is here when and as the human mind dictates how life is experienced, not realizing that life after death could be ANYTHING unimaginable – and that to fear possible feelings of shame by judgement – which can be breathed through and released, as they can be in this reality - is thus to focus on the irrelevant: if I cannot know something for sure and prepare myself for it, why stress about it at all?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is an authority who decides whether my life has been “good” or “bad”, not realizing that it is ultimately up to me to decide and carry responsibility for my decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish for there to be an authority to decide upon the “preferable” and the “unpreferable” so that I wouldn't have to look for the truth myself and make a stand as myself, not as a vessel of God/universe/whichever authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to participate in Desteni so that I could feel better about myself, as if I was then “saved” from The Judgement, and not from the starting point of wanting to work for this world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in Desteni from the starting point of self-interest and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to really contribute to the Desteni group and not only slow it down, my starting point needs to be selfless, as it needs to be in whatever I do with other people for all of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that selflessness doesn't mean that I'm excluded from everything else, but that the concept of “self” disappears in favor of All.

I commit myself to map out and revise the ways I use my time.

I commit myself to focus on my main responsibilities – studying (to establish a position for myself in the world system / to educate myself), working (to sustain my living / to apply what I've studied into practice), and civil society participation (to rehearse working with people / to create networks and relations) – and to thus give them my full focus and energy, only taking into consideration other possible responsibilities when/as/if I have time left over from my current main responsibilities.

I commit myself to regularly revise my responsibilities to see if some need to be let go and replaced with others.

I commit myself to take into consideration the fact that my capacity is in fact limited even though it can be expanded to some extent, and that I cannot take on too much responsibility without the quality of my input decreasing.

I commit myself to build my life to be enjoyable, constructive and fulfilling in a way where I give to Life more than I take from it.

Day 393: Building trust in relationships

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http://www.thadguy.com

I've noticed that a person I've been getting to know lately has a tendency of turning serious when something controversial is being discussed, this possibly being a defense mechanism of sorts. Knowing a bit about this person's past I can make approximate guesses of why this is (possibly a fear of conflict / a tension in social situations when there's a risk of disagreement), but I realize that instead of guessing around and mulling it over in my mind it's more relevant for me to practically support this person to see and possibly outgrow this tendency – a process through which I might also learn to better understand this person and the human mind in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to X turning serious in conversation, as I have misinterpreted his seriousness to mean that he disapproves of me when in fact I have nothing to do with him reacting to his own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret X's reactions to be “my fault” - that I am the cause of another's reactions – thus following the mind pattern of self-blame and self-belittlement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though I can reflect myself from how others react in my presence or under my influence, their reactions are still accepted and allowed by themselves and not by me under any circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that people themselves are “gatekeepers” of sorts to their own behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that carrying self-responsibility also means to not carry responsibility that is not mine, as I would be denying another a chance to learn and grow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what would best support the other person is not me reacting with possibly the exact same emotions he is experiencing (insecurity, fear of rejection, uncertainty, tension), but me creating a safe environment for discussing anything at all by remaining stable regardless of the topic.

• I commit myself to build myself into a stable support for others by walking through any reactions that occur in me within interaction and transcending them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X becoming serious within discussion because I have been afraid that he will choose to not like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked by X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that human relations do not have to be based on likes and dislikes – whims and moods – but on an agreement of mutual support, which creates a foundation for building solid trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of not being liked / desire to be liked comes from the fact that I base my relationships on moods and momentary preferences instead of building them on a common goal to support each other however we best can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my distrust towards people (fear of being abandoned/rejected) comes from the fact that I have become used to relationships being based on moods, whims and preferences and thus anticipate the moment when I assumedly will be ditched again as I fall out of another's favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am in fact living within a thought and behavioral pattern where, once a core relationship (one that fulfills some primary need) fails its purpose in some way, I immediately start looking for a replacement relationship (to fulfill the need) – thus always looking for salvation from outside of me without ever addressing the need itself.

• While observing myself for a few days I have noticed thoughts where I justify replacing one person with another with a selection of excuses (some valid, some not) – and then reversing it again when the second person has not fulfilled my desires. While thinking these thoughts I seem to justify having exclusive relationships, and I do it through some form of spite, as if I was blaming another for my discomfort/lack/need. Here, again, I ignore the source of the problem itself: the need that makes me restless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to build my relationships into safe and stable places for people (myself included) to face and direct themselves in, I need to focus on (self-)forgiveness and mercy - living out an example of letting go of self-diminishment, self-rejection and self-hate.

I commit myself to investigate if and how I manifest self-hate, self-rejection and self-diminishment when I interact with other people, and I commit myself to write about these points in order to better support others as well.

I commit myself to investigate and write about the pattern to replace core relationships with others as soon as they appear to “fail” or “malfunction”.

I commit myself to investigate my primary reason for desiring close relationships by returning to the EQAFE interviews on relationships and sex.

Day 392: Using weather as an excuse

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This post is a continuation to:
Day 391: Winter depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disconnected from life during winter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the manifestations of life around me during winter, as I have focused on the lack of what I have labeled as “life” instead of focusing on what is actually here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to work with the reality that is here at the moment in order to best support myself to truly live within and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the manifestation of life that is myself when during winter my surroundings have not supported my idea of “life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a deal with myself that when the winter gets nice and cold and pretty (usually the temperature here drops enough for it to be a beautiful winter for a while) I will start taking walks outside and thus connecting with nature and giving myself exercise – not realizing that because the weather is unpredictable, this “deal” might never come to happen, making this bargaining with myself unreliable. [We ended up having a really sucky winter here, bad weather and no snow.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving in to discomfort of taking walks outside when the weather is cold, dark and wet by thinking that I'll go out when the weather gets better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making “if, then” deals with myself regarding my physical well-being is not reasonable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself to push through the discomfort of exercising and being in nature when the weather is “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “bad” weather according to some uncomfortable childhood experiences where I have gotten cold and wet with no sense of control over the situation to comfort me. [For example, now as an adult I can reason out with myself that if I get wet, I can always eventually come home and change into dry clothes.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless when my surroundings are physically uncomfortable, not realizing that I have the tools to both alleviate the discomfort by practical means and to walk myself through my feeling of discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the manifestations of life in nature during winter by choosing to not go out much, thus causing my sense of being “disconnected from life” myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the manifestations of life in other people by choosing to not go out much and rather stay at home due to seeking comfort, thus causing my sense of being “disconnected from life” myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as an excuse to not exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as an excuse to not socialize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as a justification to give in to my desire to remain within my comfort zone / my fear of facing discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I have created resentment towards certain weather conditions, facing those conditions within any activity is an act of stepping outside my comfort zone, which means that I need specific attention and care from myself when I face those conditions and expand beyond my current comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to go jogging in “bad weather” and get disappointed in myself when I repeatedly failed to do so, not realizing that as both the conditions and the activity are such that I am still to some extent uncomfortable with and resent, I would need clear focus and awareness to be able to commit this set of actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully support myself when and as I would have the opportunity to do something uncomfortable and expand myself, thus with my carelessness wasting the opportunity and building up self-disappointment.

• I commit myself to take into consideration my remaining resentment towards jogging and certain weather conditions when and as I go out to exercise by giving myself enough time, dressing up properly, removing any distractions and focusing on giving myself attention.
• I commit myself to exercise one moment at a time, one breath at a time.
• I commit myself to use self-forgiveness to overcome mental barriers towards exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the weather is not a valid reason to not go out unless it's raining fireballs or razorblades (lol) – unless the weather is actually directly harmful to human beings, which it rarely is here.

Day 391: Winter depression

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Audio transcripts from today:

“Today I cried out of joy when I stepped out into the sun. Apparently it's been a very dark winter. It is very difficult to find life from within yourself when everything around you is dead. But then again, it shouldn't be about the polarity of life and death, now shouldn't it? Like going from one extreme to the other.”

“But everything is not dead. It's just... Darkness is not dead. Frost is not dead. The plants are not dead, they're just sleeping. The animals are not dead, they're just absent, they're just hiding. Winter in fact is not dead. Why do I label darkness as death? Or loneliness as death? Or coldness as death or discomfort as death? I've grown reliant on stimuli from outside of myself to make me feel alive. How do I learn to sustain myself?”

Some background:

I have recently surfaced from a couple-month long winter depression. It is a common phenomenon around the polar areas for people to become depressed during the winter, and this is usually explained by the lack of sunlight and the following lack of vitamin D, but also with the lack of exercise and other side effects of the environment turning unpleasant for humans. This, however, is the first time I have ever experienced this phenomenon myself.

It has been a very strange experience, and I cannot pinpoint exactly when it started. All I know is that some time around November I started gaining weight and that by January I started lagging behind on my schoolwork having lost all motivation. I reached a low point of sorts and haven't been able to pull myself out of it properly until I've literally had to in order to pass my courses. To pull myself “back to life” I have made reviews of my living habits – exercise, sleeping rhythm, nutrition, socializing, recreation – and these slight changes with the increase in daylight and temperature have brought me back to a state of vitality.

As a side note, I watched this really cool TED talk today about depression and found the key statement about the opposite of depression being vitality instead of happiness being quite accurate in my case. I remember feeling really alive before my downfall began, and I am finally starting to feel alive again – not happy per se, but energetic and motivated. God, I've been super cranky for these past couple of months now that I think of it.

Anyway, back to the transcripts. When I stepped out today and bathed in the sunlight for the first time in months, I cried out of joy because suddenly the world around me felt alive again – as if I was “connected” to life itself for the first time since winter began. However, this concept is inaccurate. Life itself hasn't been “switched off” during winter: I just haven't been able to see it. There is life in darkness, coldness, silence and hibernation, but it is just a different kind of life from the other end of the spectrum: of the noisy, bright, colourful and sweaty summers. So to think of winter as “death” and summer as “life” does not follow the reality.

What I am saying here is that I have somehow accepted and allowed myself to be affected by the environment I am in. Of course the circumstances the human being – an organic creature – is in affect its state, because different circumstances support different things: different possibilities are available and so forth. I do not suggest that the human being should somehow be separate of its environment, because that is simply not possible. However, one can believe oneself to be a victim of one's circumstances, thus giving oneself the permission or the excuse to do something, to for example “slack off”.

I have accepted and allowed myself to be taken by moods, going from one extreme to the other. I see that following these moods could possibly result in me being extremely happy during summers and extremely down during winters (which is the reason why so many people living here in the north escape the winter to warmer countries). I see that this is not a sustainable state, to resent one manifestation of life (winter) and to celebrate another (summer).

What I think happened in my case is that I used my prevailing circumstances (winter) to give in to my deep-rooted loneliness. My life is mostly quite nice and I can honestly say that I enjoy many aspects of my life, but the social dimension of my life has been unsatisfying for years now – actually, we might be talking about more than a decade of feeling completely alone, since I started getting depressed at around the age of 10 because of bullying and other malfunctions in my social network.

So what did I do when the winter came? I focused on my work, stopped exercising, started binge eating, forgot to rest and give myself space to be creative (with music, movement, theatre, writing, arts, etc). And then I wondered why nothing felt like anything, why I was so tired all the time, feeling restrained and secluded and brought down by my thoughts of self-diminishment. I was doing it all to myself.

I'm writing this now to support myself to remain stable and functioning no matter my surroundings. I might have to live through many winters, and I do not want that time to be lost into being stuck with myself. I might even face completely new circumstances, like staggering heat or humidity or drought, and even then I need to find the practical solutions for physically surviving AND the mental solutions for not throwing myself out of balance because I believe myself to have a plausible excuse to do so.

I'll continue from here with self-forgiveness and corrective statements.