Days 384-385: Re-aligning my relationship to children

22 & 24012014

Before I continue with my writings on efficiency, I would like to focus on a point that has surfaced just recently. I read Anna's blog post about how children learn to fear adults, and the realization process that begun unconsciously as I read the text came to an epiphany yesterday.

I have been directing a basic course of theatre for children around the age 7-13 since September. My group has around 16 kids, and the course has been going quite well with no major conflicts or disagreements. At the end of our last week's meeting, however, we were doing an exercise that was a bit out of ordinary an unpleasant to some kids, and a child got upset and angry towards another child. I tried to resolve the situation with no success: I went to talk to the upset child who had run away and also asked for the other child, the one she was angry towards, to join the discussion and explain his point of view on what happened. However, the other child was reluctant to join in, very defensive in his speech and left the situation as fast as he could. The upset child refused to answer anything I said throughout the situation. Both children ended up leaving feeling bad – and so did I.

What I realized yesterday was why the other child was defensive. As I asked him to come discuss the matter, it was a setting very similar to situations where kids are often assumed to have done something “wrong” for which they need to be punished. I can now see that he was afraid of getting told off, of getting punished, of having to apologize for no reason, of being unfairly responsible. I was not going to do any of this, but I did not realize that I would have actually needed to clarify this to the child, as I, in that situation, was a representation of the punishing adult figure. This is a whole new position of responsibility for me as an adult.

What I also realized is where I went wrong with the child that got upset. She reacted to a specific role she was assigned within a play scenario, which was not intended as an insult but was more a result of carelessness. I explained the situation to her and did what I could to offer her assistance to walk through the reaction, but she chose to hold onto her emotion. Originally this is not how I saw it: I was moving by my fear of failure. Throughout this course I have been afraid of failing in the eyes of my superiors (my mentor & the parents of the children), and I have defined “failure” to happen when the children do not in any way enjoy the course or learn anything of value. When the child reacted and ran away, I reacted to what I saw through this fear and tried to “fix” the situation (soothe the child) so that my superiors wouldn't judge me (the child's parents). What I failed to realize here was the reality of individual experience and choice, and also the context of what actually happened. By trying to comfort the child I also validated her reaction, even though her reaction was not in fact valid – so instead of holding onto my fear of failure and trying to get her to calm down, I could've clearly explained the situation to her and left her to process on her own when she chose to shut down, because that moment onwards she was already on a one-way track: the mind-pattern, the “program”, had already been initialized, it was already running.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because the relationship between adults and children has been warped into a power play where adults hold the power and children are stripped of individual will, I as an adult and the one “in power” am responsible for de-constructing and re-building this relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that children fear me because to them I represent all the adults they have met, possibly ones that have punished them and treated them as lesser beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the fact that children in general are indirectly taught to fear adults.

• As a side note: do you know the moment when you look at a younger child and at first they immediately draw back and just watch you very keenly to see who you are? After which they either decide to relax or to remain withdrawn. That's a phenomenon I am guessing has something to do with this fear point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my authorities (my mentor and the parents) will perceive and believe that I am doing a bad job with the course and define me “incapable”, “unfit”, “unqualified”, thus meaning that I have failed in my attempt to design and direct the course.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be “capable”, “fit” and “qualified”, wanting to “have a place” in the world and do something constructive, be useful and for my existence to be meaningful, thus creating a fear of being the opposite: “incapable”, “unfit” and “unqualified”. [This point needs elaboration.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my mentor as my “authority” because she has taught me a lot, not realizing that teaching another person does not grant that person (direct) power over the other.

• By teaching the other things from his/her perspective there IS power being used, as in presenting a perspective as the whole truth, but this is indirect power play which I will not go into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when I am taught by another, the other is then “more” and I am “less” because he/she happened to have the information before I did and was willing to share this with me – not realizing that this makes no sense at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the relationship of a teacher and the one being taught is not a one-way exchange, but that within that moment of interaction both may learn from each other – and that the act of teaching and being taught in itself thus holds no power relations and can be based on equality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as my mentor has taught me, I have taught her in exchange, even though I haven't done this in a traditional setting of teaching.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am an equal to my mentor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as an equal to my mentor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my mentor will see what I'm doing with the kids and react to it because I'm not directing the course the same way as she used to, not realizing that her reaction is primarily an indication of who she is (reacting to change) and not a sign that I'm doing things “wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that my mentor would react negatively if she saw what I'm doing with the kids as I perceive and believe she doesn't trust me to “know what I'm doing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my mentor doesn't trust me, not realizing that her allowing me to take on this responsibility and then undertake it for months already without her direct supervision, is in fact an act of trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to “know what I'm doing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “knowing what I'm doing” to mean I have a clear vision behind which I can stand firm like a mountain, thus executing the plan without failure – not realizing that I am looking at an ideal and not the reality of who I am at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though I do not attain the ideal I still, to an extent, have a vision of what I'm doing with the course, principles that I act upon, a plan that I am somewhat following even there are changes on the way – and that how I'm doing it is in fact choosing the path of uncertainty in order to take all components into consideration, thus allowing more flexibility and more power to the children, rather than choosing the path of certainty and overriding a lot of factors just to keep the plan going.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being certain of what I'm doing with the course, not realizing that it is not a bad thing, as now the course is there as a platform to serve the participants and not the other way around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of things spinning out of control when I saw the child getting angry and running off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within that moment the fear of failure activated in me, thus dictating all of my following actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to go to the child to try and “fix” things – to “fix” the chaos.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if there's chaos on the course, I have failed – not realizing that directing 16 individual beings without it ever going chaotic is a challenge that I might not and don't have to live up to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate my fear of failure further when I talked to the child and she did not reply, as I interpreted her silence to mean that I was saying the “wrong” things, not realizing that she had already withdrawn and shut down from the moment onwards that I touched her and staid beside her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when she asked me to leave her alone, I should have actually done that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when she asked to be left alone and I dismissed her request by thinking I know better and now have to explain the situation to her, I contributed to her shutting down by not letting her have the space she wanted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss her request to be left alone as I was moving by my fear of failure, thus feeling like I “have to do something” and not just leave her alone, as leaving her alone felt like “doing nothing” - when in fact giving her space and allowing her to process the situation on her own would have been “doing something”.

When and as I see a child reacting negatively during the course, I stop, I breathe and I scan myself for any self-judgement. I remind myself that the reaction of a person on its own doesn't say anything about the trigger, even though the reaction can be used to reflect upon the trigger – and that the reactions of the children are not direct statements about what the course is and who I am as a director. I breathe and I let go of the self-judgement in self-forgiveness in breath. I then look at the situation from the child's perspective, ask questions if needed and proceed accordingly.

I commit myself to de-construct and re-construct my relationship to children to be one based on equality and oneness.

I commit myself to find and speak the words to describe my approach to directing this course in order to define my stance and thus build trust in myself.

I commit myself to stop and breathe to listen when a child makes a request.

Days 381-383: Efficiency - self-judgement, punishment and sacrifice - part 1

19-21012014

A point that I would like to open up in writing is that of efficiency. I have a strong urge to strive for efficiency in various contexts, and when I look at myself in self-honesty I see that this need to be efficient – to achieve, to gain, to get somewhere, to accomplish, to not waste time – is the prime reason for why I am often so stressed, discontent and harsh on myself. I am not sure where this drive for efficiency has begun, although I have a hunch, so let's look at how “efficiency” has manifested in my life thus far.

When I look at my childhood the first instances where I have become stressed with time have been:

• when I have been playing / having fun and an adult comes and tells me that it's time to quit (because we're going home, because it's time to sleep - because there is something that I'm told is “more important”);
• when I had several hobbies as a child and became stressed because I felt like I didn't have enough leisure time:
• when the summer holidays seemed to never last long enough;
• when the school days felt too long (junior high onwards)

I was not a top student at school. My grades were mostly mediocre, but I excelled in some subjects that I was interested or already skilled in. I didn't have to study much until I got to high school where I had to read a lot to pass the courses. I have not been a passionate student until now that I have a better understanding of why I study and what the information can actually be used for.

Looking at my childhood and teenage years, it seems that I was actually pretty lazy. My parents didn't require me to be involved in housework and so I wasn't until my late teens. I used to take good care of my room, but as I fell deeper into an emotional slump in my teens I just stopped cleaning up completely. My room was an awful mess, a dark cave of dust and trash – a representation of the mental state I was in. This state of being continued for years even after I left home and started living on my own – actually, now that I think of it, it wasn't until I moved into this apartment 2 years ago that I made a pledge to keep my living area clean and livable and stuck to that decision for real.

All in all, I have not been that worried about getting stuff done or excelling in anything. I haven't really had a reason to. For the years that I have been floating around and trying to figure out what to do there has been an anxiety about the “clock ticking” - that I “should” be doing something, “should” be getting somewhere. And every time I have tried and failed I have become more depressed, more anxious and more desperate to succeed.

• The only things I have tried to excel in have been singing and acting. This is because I noticed that compared to others I was more skilled, which brought me to the conclusion that these are the things I “must do” - the path I was “destined” to take – but as I got into the competition to be on the top for real I gave up soon because I only saw my shortcomings but not how to practice to become better. I thought I sucked and wasn't good enough after all, which made me feel like I was no good at anything.

The ideal of “getting somewhere” has probably been developed as I have watched the people around me “succeed”. My peers from school have mostly advanced on the career path, some of them already graduated and working; my sister has gained notable positions in her work and other tokens of “success”; and I have felt more and more worthless comparing myself to other people. While focusing on the ideal of “what life should be” I have forgotten that life is not in big achievements but IN BREATH – that life lived HERE without achievements is more worthwhile than life with achievements without awareness of what life really is.

My drive for efficiency comes partially from trying to make up for all the years I perceive to have “gone to waste”, and partially from my increasing panic about the state of the world: “something needs to be done”.

Now, as I try to prove my worth by “not wasting time” I am doing it to an invisible audience of sorts, when in fact what it really is is self-judgement. By being efficient and “getting stuff done” I try to find validation from my environment so that I could stop judging myself for a while (this never lasts). The “something needs to be done” -point is also related to this, as I perceive that by “doing something” for the world I can buy myself validation from specific peer groups. So when I am efficient I find myself worthwhile, worth keeping myself alive, worth not hating.

How cruel can I be?

Me trying to make up for my past is in a way reasonable and in a way insane. The past is no longer here; it cannot be changed no matter how much I'd believe in karma and think that my current actions somehow outweigh my past actions. They do not. The consequences of the actions of the past carry out to this day as they ripple through time, and what I can do about the past is see what could be done to those consequences as they manifest NOW. I can face the ripples here, but the past cannot be changed or amended. I'd find it more advisable to focus on what kind of ripples I am creating right now into the future.

In a way it seems as if I was punishing myself. This has been a common theme in my life. Why do I find myself worthy of punishment? Why do I deserve suffering?

--

Alright, continuing on what I wrote last night.

It seems that I am looking at a deep-rooted pattern of self-judgement. There have been some specific major events and influences in my life that have contributed to this (man, I need to start making a timeline of my life to have clarity over this):

• early childhood: learning self-judgement and self-belittlement by observing my parents
• society: learning to fear that authorities would judge me and punish me (parents, teachers)
• primary school: friends turning against me and openly judging / mocking me
• family life: comparison to family members made me feel “less”
• junior high school: not succeeding in the increasing social games; ideals vs. my self-image

By the time I got to high school I was already completely fucked up, but there were some major events later that I used to lash out on myself even more:

• dropping out of polytechnic at the age of 18

• at the age of 19 the collapse of a long-term relationship
• applying to schools for 5 years without getting in
• fucking up all prospective relationships

But during these later events I was simply utilizing the patterns I had already solidified earlier.

I will now have a look at each one of these points specifically.

1. Early childhood: learning self-judgement and self-belittlement by observing my parents

Both my parents had learned to be harsh on themselves due to the circumstances they grew up in. My mother learned to belittle her own skills and capacity, and she would sometimes refer to herself as “too dumb” to do something. She never wanted to “make a number” of herself and would make an effort to be pleasing and likable to others. My father learned to feel guilty for not knowing something, so instead of admitting to not knowing he would lie that he did, presenting an image of omnipotence. He worked so much that he compromised his health and family relations, and he overworked himself because he believed it was justified to sacrifice his well-being to support his children. Because he was responsible for the lives of four children, he judged his life to matter “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn that whenever I make a mistake the appropriate response is to blame and judge myself, as I had not realized that mistakes are an inevitable part of learning and thus not in fact a negative thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn that when a person is not skilled at something the appropriate measure is to avoid doing these things, always get somebody else to do them and to not practice these skills because of a belief that one is “unable” to learn them, as I had not realized that no skill is inherent (even though genetics may support some traits) and that almost any skill can be learned by anyone through coherent and consistent practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to learn that I can avoid the things I am uncomfortable doing by defining myself “unable” to do them, as I had not realized that the discomfort is an indicator of something new I can learn and that discomfort is therefore not a negative thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn that when one meets other people one should be nervous (not breathing, tense, restless), hide the nervousness with smiling and laughing a lot and alter one's behavior to making constant compromises on oneself to try and keep the others in a good mood, as I had not realized that having other people around so that I can see myself better through feedback is in fact a good thing because then I will learn to know myself better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn that when there are other people around I should try to not gather attention as every time I would have attention upon me I would get nervous and repeat the pattern described above, thus trying to remain “invisible” by not making noise or creating movement and getting angry at myself whenever I was unable to restrain myself and accidentally gathered attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn who I should be in relation to other people: submissive, apologetic, “less than” others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when asked a question a person should always give an answer even if they didn't know what they were talking about, as I had not realized that relaying misinformation may have serious consequences and that it's better to give no information at all than to give misinformation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when a person is asked to do something they should never decline, at least not directly, as I had not realized that it is best for all to decline in self-honesty rather than to try and do too much and fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to learn that if people request something of me I am obligated to fulfill their requests, not realizing that I cannot help everyone as I am only one human being with limited resources.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when somebody asks me a question I should become tense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when somebody asks me to do something I should get angry at the other, remember I'm obligated to help, suppress the anger with a sigh, become tense and tired and not decline the request directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when a person is responsible for many things it is OK to sacrifice one's own well-being.

Continuing tomorrow.

Day 380: Continuing on Waking up efficiently

15012014

This post is a continuation to my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for sleeping “too much”, not questioning my definition of “too much sleep”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 6 hours of sleep to be the ideal amount of sleep with no real evidence of this actually being the amount of sleep that my body needs to recharge, thus also defining less than 6 hours as “too little” sleep and more than 6-7 hours “too much” sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not living up to my ideals, not realizing that my ideals have not been constructed according to the physical reality to function as goals that support my living, but that I have instead constructed my ideals based on what others appear to be doing and what I ought to do to be as good as others – to be accepted by others – to not be less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I cannot construct my sleeping patterns efficiently, I will have failed as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my worth based on how efficiently and supportively I structure my life, thus feeling like a failure when something doesn't work out (such as sleeping at the moment), not realizing that my definition of “supportive structuring” is based only on how much I get done / how much I achieve or accomplish, thus ignoring e.g. my physical and mental well-being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I sleep more than 7 hours I am “wasting time” that I could instead use on “getting stuff done”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my body might need more than 7 hours of sleep depending on what it's recovering from, and that forcing myself out of bed without sufficient rest is to compromise my health as well as my ability to “get stuff done”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “getting stuff done” (work, study, whatever tasks I have) is sustainable when and as and ONLY when it's done in consideration of the physical reality – such as the well-being of my body, the physical organism I inhabit.

• I commit myself to stop compromising sleep, rest and recovery in order to achieve merit in the eyes of others.
• I commit myself to arrange myself enough time for sleep, rest and recovery; In cases where I need to momentarily compromise my sleep/rest, I commit myself to arrange myself time to recover from this compromise sufficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are two kinds of tiredness – a physical and a mental tiredness – and that when I wake up in the morning I am able to discern between the two, and thus also able to understand and decide whether to stay in bed or to get up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when I have woken up in the morning, to ignore my awareness of the fact that I am mentally tired and continue sleeping regardless of my awareness of this fact with the excuse that “I have nothing to do” - “I might as well sleep more”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I stay in bed out of mental tiredness I am escaping something in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that getting out of bed is a burdensome task, thus anticipating the moment of getting up and all the things I need to do, thus creating a desire to stay in bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards my morning routine (washing up, yoga, cleaning the dishes) because I have found some of the tasks difficult and burdensome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards my morning yoga exercise because often when I do it I need to push myself over a threshold out of my comfort zone even though I know my entire body will feel better after the yoga.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the resistance towards yoga, thus skipping some mornings and eventually not doing it at all, thus also making it easier for me to give in to the resistance to get out of bed at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that expansion and growth requires constant pushing and discomfort before it becomes an effortless part of my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to integrate yoga and exercise into my living – a form of physical self-care – I need to unwind the roots and habits of stagnation I have grown and become tangled up with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that slouching, dragging my feet, sitting down and being still in the morning when I wake up is a habit of not moving – a habit that I can change and replace with another – and that I have learned this method of waking up by observing the people I grew up with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my family's culture of waking up – making oneself as comfortable as possible to “soften the blow” – is not the only possible way of starting one's day.

• I commit myself to do my yoga routine each morning, unless I am physically unable to do it (sickness etc), as I now see, realize and understand that getting used to this small push every morning I get myself used to discomfort, thus supporting myself with all situations where I need to deal with discomfort in order to grow and expand. (This is pretty cool now that I think of it this way!)
• I commit myself to expand my yoga routine little by little, adding one move to the routine when and as the routine needs more physical challenge.
• I commit myself to experiment with other forms of morning exercise, such as taking a walk or running.
• I commit myself to do something physical every morning before I have breakfast.
• I commit myself to explore what else I could do before I have breakfast, for example writing, studying and meditation.

Also, an idea I got in the last post that I want to try out:

• When and as I do not have anything to wake up to the following morning - such as a meeting, a lecture or work - I commit myself to go through my tasks for the day in the previous evening and decide on the first task I will tackle the following day.

It's been working out well so far!

Note to self: the word "efficient" has a negative tone to me, and using it here makes it feel as if waking up "efficiently" couldn't be enjoyable but that I'd be gritting my teeth while doing it, lol. I'll return to this word and the concept of efficiency in posts to come.

Day 379: Waking up efficiently

13012014

I am once again checking my sleeping patterns. I have been having plenty of sleep lately and I've felt guilty about it, thus trying to force myself to sleep less through different methods and failing every time. I realized that the guilt is a major issue here, because whenever I notice myself having slept “too much” - whatever my definition of “too much” is – I sabotage the way my day begins by feeling bad about the rest I've had.

I've come to understand that when I want to stay in bed after initially waking up there are two possible reasons for it: a) I am actually tired and need more rest, or b) I do not need rest but simply enjoy being in bed. The bed is comfortable and warm, especially now when it's winter and my apartment is a bit chilly, and being inside the covers is a physically enjoyable thing to do. What I need to look at, though, are the consequences of staying in bed. Sometimes just hanging out in bed might be a good way to rest and recover even when I'm not sleepy, but mostly what I end up doing is falling into a dream-state and sleeping more, thus confusing my body.

So I guess I could say that my need to stay in bed can be physical or it can be mental – it can be the need of the body or the need of the mind.

One thing I've noticed to make me want to stay in bed and escape beginning my day is when I have no designated task for the morning: no work, no lecture, no meetings, just independent tasks that I have to schedule and arrange myself. This is something that I can practically change through planning. I almost always know my schedules in advance, so what I could do the previous evening is decide on at least the first task I will tackle in the morning. This would make my days more efficient and also give me a sense of meaning, which I now feel I am lacking. The work I do now with my studies is so abstract, so non-concrete that it is difficult for me to feel motivated to do any of it when I do not see the results in the physical. Maybe I could integrate some dimension of practical application to my studies that I do not yet have.

Ok, tomorrow: self-forgiveness, re-structuring and commitments.

Days 377-378: Dissatisfied with life

09-10012014

Yes, it's just me. / http://mentalcomix.wordpress.com/

Ever since my partner left to travel a couple of days ago I've been hit with heavy anxiety and depression. It has made me crazy when I'm at home by myself and jammed when I'm out with other people. I had trouble being at work because I didn't really know how to be around people: it took me many hours to move myself out of the state I was in to start to enjoy the presence of people. Today at university specific triggers caused me to get very depressed, emotional and anti-social. I walked through some of the things during the day but was still feeling very heavy and tired. I called that state “being in deep waters” - a phrase I've probably picked up from a friend who once used the same words to describe his depression.

When I got home I was relieved to be by myself, but soon the walls started caving in and I again got anxious because I was alone. I reached a breaking point where I started talking through the points that had been surfacing and releasing the accumulated emotions through crying, shouting and movement. This worked surprisingly well: I calmed down, my state of being stabilized (walls were no longer crashing but standing quite firm, lol) and as I started going through all the things I had just voiced I had a bunch of points to write down and examine. I will now go through some of the points at once as they intertwine.

“My life as it is feels unsatisfying”

I had a very hard time admitting this to myself, because I feel like an immense failure saying it. Everything in my life is apparently well: I've got a place in a university and I don't have any tuition fees to pay; I've got a job that I enjoy and brings me enough money; I have plenty of friends; I've got all the basic necessities of life covered; I've got a direction that I am walking towards. Nothing should be wrong – yet, something seems to not be right.

All of my adult life I have been trying to find myself a direction to go to. I've been working to survive and applying to different schools every year, usually art schools because I've had a passion towards many fields of art. A couple of years ago I decided to move my focus from art – a form of psychotherapy – into the system itself, which causes the need for psychotherapy in the first place. Instead of working with the symptoms I wanted to work with the causes, the actual illness that makes the world a place of inequality and separation. I chose to focus on the field of education, an effective tool for prevention, which is what I'm studying now in university.

One way I've also been looking for fulfillment of sorts has been through relationships. I used to live in a big family, and when I left home to live on my own I moved together with my second boyfriend. I was happy to be living with someone, but it also became a point of dependency and addiction where I became financially and socially dependent on my boyfriend, thus eventually taking the relationship into a breaking point where we broke up and moved apart. I've lived alone ever since and I've been fine with it, up until 1-2 years ago when I saw some of my friends living in communes and shared houses and realized how much more fun life would be when living with other people. I created a craving for a “family”, not necessarily one of a couple and their children, but of any people, a community of sorts. But as I realized it was not possible for me at the time I thought that there would be a time for it, and that I should just enjoy the time I have on my own.

The two questions I'm looking at here now are:

• Am I studying the right subject?
• Can a person be fully happy living alone?

I've asked myself the first question before, and I have told myself that if I am genuinely enjoying whatever it is that I study and finding it relevant and useful, it “doesn't matter” what the topic is. I think that education science will prove itself useful to me in ways that I cannot yet foresee, because it can also be combined with any form of art or adapted into any setting where people are involved. In any case what I study now is going to give me much needed perspective and knowledge.

I guess one thing that I need to keep in mind while studying is that I should not be afraid to change what it is I'm doing. I have a habit of planning waaaaay into the future, but I cannot really know if any of it will happen or if any of it is advisable at all. I'm kinda pondering between the options to either step into the system and play the game that the social construct labeled “LIFE” is, or to focus on creating my life into one that I find enjoyable and worth living – because, frankly, right now life does not feel “worth living” in those respects. It may be the wave of depression speaking, but there is a deep dissatisfaction in me where life just seems to suck balls. This may be me separating myself from life in each breath and each moment as I lose myself into grand visions and get disappointed when I do not see immediate results.

But I'm guessing one could both “play the game” AND create a life that one can enjoy. Depends on how one plays the game, I guess: I once met a guy who was dedicated to become a prime minister and thus had given up all hope of ever having a fulfilling partnership – although this may have just been his helplessness, as even though politics is tough many do still manage a family alongside all of it.

So I guess that I'm just going to have to live through studying, work, career and all that moment by moment, and grasp whatever opportunities come along my way when and as they do. We cool? We cool.

Now, about living alone. Since my partner left the time I spent living with him compares like a slice of heaven to these past couple of days, which is just insane and I know it. I have recognized a part of what makes it, though: being able to share myself to another being, because another being is a dynamic mirror to myself whereas the walls of my apartment never respond, lol. I've noticed that now that he's gone I speak maybe a tenth of what I did when he was around, which has a huge effect on how much I communicate with myself: I don't talk to myself until I reach some sort of a crisis where I have to talk something out, so usually I just fall into this slump where I forget to ask myself how I'm doing. This, now, may be a great moment to learn more about self-communication and how I can become self-sustained in that respect, so that I would not be dependent on living with others in order to see and know myself, even though living with others may make that process a lot more efficient. I may have to live on my own some time yet, so I need to learn how to be my own mirror, my own partner and my own conversationist while there's nobody here to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life feel dissatisfying by creating big visions of what I should become and then getting disappointed when I appear to be “getting nowhere”, not realizing that even though I am actually making progress I am making myself blind to it by wanting to see grandiose things when progress is actually about doing small things within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I should “get somewhere” in life to be successful, not realizing that even though in the “game of life” (the social constructs of the world) “getting somewhere” is an asset that will gain me things, in the actual physical life beyond the social constructs very little is in fact required for life to be enjoyable and worthwhile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my life is a failure when I seem to be failing at the “game of life”, not realizing that the two “lives” here are not the same even though I participate in both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to play the “game of life” (participate in the system) without first being stable in the physical life and without knowing all the rules of the “game”.

• I commit myself to prioritize stabilizing in the physical life and to participate in the “game of life” - the system – only by the requirements of the physical life.
• I commit myself to explore the basic components of the physical life – nutrition, exercise, socializing, creation and work, self-expression – to see how I can balance them out in my own living.
• I commit myself to further educate myself about the world to learn about life itself as well as the “game of life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about what kind of a professional I will become, afraid that I will become such a mismatch of skills and knowledge that I will have no use in the society, not realizing that what I can do may not have a distinct profile in my mind or in anybody's mind (as I will not be a stereotypical ballet dancer, firefighter or a classroom teacher – to be honest, I don't think any living person's actually a purely stereotypical presentation of a profession) and that what I can and will do to contribute to society, to humanity and to the world is something that I will create every step of the way as I move myself in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want certainty of “what I'll become” in the form of a clear career direction or profession that I could use to define myself with, not realizing that this self-definition would limit me in my choice of action as I would choose on whether something fits my profile or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have no place in the world as I have been unable to label myself and assign myself a place, not realizing that to an extent not defining myself is actually supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will perceive me to be a failure if I do not “have a place” in the world, not realizing that I am again confusing life with the “game of life” where “having a place” is an asset, and that even if others were to make the same confusion it does not make it any more real.

• I commit myself to slow myself down to enjoy studying for as long as it feels interesting and enjoyable.
• I commit myself to not force myself to study things that I find no interest towards, and to instead focus on things that I am motivated to study.
• I commit myself to trust myself to be able to create myself positions in life where I can contribute to the world with all of my skills and knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life feel dissatisfying by communicating with myself only with a few selected people, thus not really being intimate with myself and supporting myself when I am not in the presence of those few people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not asking me how I'm doing in my life, not realizing that it is not others' responsibility to open me up but mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not satisfied with life because I have clammed myself up from most people, thus not giving myself a chance to experience the social field in the scope that it could be utilized: as a mirror to myself and to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require other people in order to see myself, not realizing that even though self-reflection is more efficient with other people, others are not in fact required for me to see myself – it simply requires a bit more effort when I am by myself.

• I commit myself to ask myself “how are you” at least once a day, preferably more than once.
  • I commit myself to stop, breathe and ask myself “how are you” every night before I go to sleep, and I commit myself to reserve enough time and physical comfort for this exercise.
• I commit myself to write on at least 4 days of a week. (As writing daily is not working for me at the moment, I will instead commit to a smaller amount that I am certain I can in fact live up to.)
• I commit myself to investigate how exactly I live with myself to see how I could give myself enough attention and care.

Fascinating stuff! I'll keep on walking this state of being to see what comes up. The depression and anxiety have dissipated for now, which sure as hell makes life a bit nicer, lol.

Day 376: Reflecting upon living with another

07012014

I misread "loneliest", lol - http://dallion.com/comics/

My partner left today to travel for a few weeks. He has been living here in my apartment for about 3 weeks and he will return for another few weeks before he returns to his home country. Because I have lived alone for the past 4-5 years having someone live with me has been a very interesting challenge, and now that he is gone and I am alone again I am starting to notice some peculiar things.

At first once he had left I started noticing these little things I had learned to do under his influence while he was here, which is when I just felt immense gratitude, even though they were relatively small practical changes. Second, I tried to glorify solitude by thinking of how cool it will be to have some “me-time” and whatnot, without success however, which left me sort of empty and unenergized.

Third, towards the end of the day, I started paying attention to something we had on some level already discussed with my partner. Because we have both been very solitary in our living, we had both noticed that living with another person does change the way one positions oneself to the “empty moments”: the pauses in activity when one simply wonders about what to do next, how one is feeling, etc. I have noticed that when he has been living here I am more inclined to spend those “empty moments” being social, by sharing my thoughts and experiences, by suggesting shared activities or by reflecting out loud upon what I was doing. Having another person present was like constantly looking into a mirror, as everything I did was reflected on him and off him in various ways.

So when I was just now doing some house work on my own, I noticed that in comparison to how these every-day activities were with another, I appeared lifeless, joyless, motionless – like a walking carcass, a shell of a living being. I am not entirely sure whether this is just my inability to enjoy my own company (or an expectation of entertainment?) - even though I am not feeling emotionally down, just empty – or if my state of being compares like this because life is actually best enjoyed when shared. What if I don't want to live alone anymore? What if I'm just DONE cherishing personal space? Whatcha say about that, Miss Seclusion?!

Due to practical reasons I might have to live alone for some time yet, so I do need to find some way of coping with it, even though the downsides are becoming more and more accentuated as years go by. Arranging shared living, then again, is at its core a practical task, and if I do decide that it would best support my living to share housing with others, all I've got left is to act upon that decision.

Self-forgiveness next; we'll see if something else relating to this pops up by tomorrow.

Days 374-375: A neurotic bitch: fixing others' mistakes in secret

05-07012014

My partner pointed out a behavioral pattern of mine that I had not paid attention to before, and as I was processing it I also noticed that I do it at my workplace. It's when I notice somebody making a mistake or doing something “wrong” from my perspective, and instead of directly talking about it with the person I try to quietly correct it on my own. When me and my partner were discussing this I said that the reason I do this is because “I don't want to be bitchy”. So basically I realize that “my way” of doing things might as well be wrong, and so I don't want people to believe that I'd believe my viewpoint to be the only right option (arrogance). I realize that this pattern is for me to avoid conflict and uphold an equilibrium of sorts, which of course doesn't work because mostly people notice that I'm correcting the stuff they did “wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out my opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that speaking out my opinion might be seen as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will react to me speaking out my opinion and giving feedback even though my intention is not to mock but to organize things in the most beneficial way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my perspective on how things could be organized in the best way possible, thus being afraid of bringing my viewpoint into discussion so that we could all together come up with a solution to how things should be organized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will criticize me for bringing up points where others could improve or change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a backlash of blame and resentment from people when and as I bring my perspective into discussion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with dissatisfaction, irritation and worry when and as I see that something has been done in a way that I perceive to not be best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give feedback to others from within the dissatisfaction, irritation and worry, thus actually attacking others by superimposing my viewpoint and thus giving others an incentive to counter-react with defensive behavior, such as blaming me and thinking of me as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear of others attacking me when I give feedback, by giving feedback from an unclear starting point, basically blaming others for my discomfort, and thus creating situations where others attack me to defend themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear myself.

I see X -> I perceive X to be “wrong” -> I react to X and want to fix it -> I look for the cause for X -> I choose a target (Y) and believe them to be the cause for X -> I believe Y to be the cause of my reaction, not realizing that the cause for my reaction is ME and not Y even though the cause for X is Y.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my way of doing things is the right way of doing things, not realizing that even though I have carefully assessed all the perspectives I have recognized, there may be viewpoints that I have not realized to take into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the actual solutions for how things can be done in a way that is the best for all can only be achieved through a discourse between all participants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to find actual solutions I need to discuss the issues with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fix things “my way” without notifying others, thus hoping that nobody would notice that I am behaving “neurotic” and “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to solve things by thinking that I am “neurotic” and “bitchy”, not realizing that the issue is NOT my will to implement solutions but the fact that I do not discuss this with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving others feedback as I have feared that they will take it personally and believe their reaction to be my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if others would blame me for their reaction to my feedback, it doesn't make my feedback invalid - quite the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the reactions of others as they are – manifestations of who they are at the moment – and that I have instead taken them personally and defined myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the solution to my habit of reacting to others' mistakes is to fix things in secret. (When I put it that way I'm starting to see how ridiculous this is, lol. Ingredients for a comedy film!)

I commit myself to no longer fix others' mistakes “in secret” by not addressing the mistake in any way and hoping no one will notice.

When and as I perceive someone to be making a mistake, I stop, I breathe and I check myself for any and all reactions. I remind myself that I am reacting to something I have labeled as “wrong” - something that I do not want in my reality – and that by rejecting a part of this reality I incapacitate myself from acting within it. I remind myself that my conception of “right” and “wrong” (what is best for all) might be flawed and that the only way to expand my conception is to discuss it with others.

Thus, I commit myself to bring up the mistake in discussion with the people involved to reach a shared understanding on what the best course of action would be.

• For further support, some phrases I can start the discussion with: “I see you're [doing X]. How did you learn to do it like this? Have you considered [perspective Y]?”

Day 373: Claiming personal space - distracted by the social sphere

02012014

For some time now I have had my partner living with me. He lives on the other side of the globe and is now visiting me for some weeks / a couple of months. He has been living in my apartment for about 3 weeks, which has been a major challenge for me because I have lived alone for the past 4-5 years.

One challenge I have faced is finding, arranging and claiming personal space when it's needed. Because my apartment only really has one room with no doors to separate private spaces, it takes some effort to de-attach myself from the presence of the other, as I first need to identify the need for personal space, then decide to arrange it, then communicate it, and then make sure that I utilize that space effectively.

This is one of the reasons I have had trouble writing lately. I find it difficult to focus on writing in the presence of another or rather find some social activities more relevant. My partner agrees that writing is important and he is willing to give me all the space I need for doing it, but I have still found it difficult. I much rather just escape the discomfort of arranging myself a moment for writing into social activities as they are so easy and comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the discomfort I find in writing into social activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make writing uncomfortable for myself as I have created a threshold from the excuse “I don't know what to write about”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I don't now what to write about”, not realizing that it is an excuse to not write, and that I am in fact able to figure out what to write a blog post about once I sit down, bring myself to breath and start mapping out my recent experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear / anticipate the moment when I do not have a clear view on what today's blog post will be about, not realizing that the view will clarify eventually as I simply break my experience down and give myself enough time to piece it together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by the social possibilities living with another person brings into my life, thus forgetting about and ignoring my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being distracted by the social possibilities with the fact that my partner will only be here for a few weeks, not realizing that even though this is true and I should utilize my time with him as effectively as possible, by interacting with him from the starting point of escapism I build the relationship into a place of escapism / illusion instead of building it into a platform of actual support, which will have long-lasting consequences and might affect the relationship further in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the choices I make when living with my partner affect the way the relationship is constructed, and that if I give myself leeway by for example escaping my responsibilities or disregarding communication, it will have an effect on what the relationship becomes and what kind of issues/conflict/disturbance we will eventually come across.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal space to carry out my responsibilities and tasks I build the relationship to be founded on self-responsibility, self-reliance, commitment, direct communication, self-honesty and mutual support and assistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal space I do not only support myself but I also support the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear claiming personal space because it requires me to ask for practical things (silence, comfortable seat, good lighting, etc.) for myself so that the other will not be able to use them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for these practicalities as I have feared that I might be asking “too much” from the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I ask “too much” of the other, he will think less of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my partner thinking less of me because I perceive and believe that with him there's “more to lose” than with others as the “stakes are higher”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give special value to my partner's opinion of me as I have believed and perceived that a positive opinion keeps the relationship together whereas a negative opinion will make him lose interest / motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a person's opinion of another – how one experiences the other momentarily and in long-term / who one believes and perceives the other to be – is the fundamental reason for why relationships are created and held onto, not realizing that to build a partnership on feelings, images and concepts alone is unreliable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that alongside feelings and concepts relationships can also be built on principles, common goals and rational reasoning, which will provide a more solid foundation for a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust the principles our relationship is founded upon and (out of habit) be constantly afraid of “losing my standing” in the eyes of my partner, as this is what has usually been the reason for my relationships ending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to uphold the practice of building relationships on unreliable grounds by choosing my partners according to momentary experiences and ending the relationships when my partners have no longer triggered the same experience in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my current relationship will end up the same way my previous relationships have ended up, not realizing that I have the tools to prevent such an outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by trying to guess how this relationship “ends up” I am thinking in stories, simplifying lived life into images and living according to this guesswork, not realizing that future is created HERE and cannot be fully foreseen.

I digress!

I commit myself to arrange myself the time and space to write every day, taking into consideration the circumstances I do this in.

I commit myself to practice trust and self-trust by addressing topics that feel difficult with my partner.

I commit myself, when and as I need it, to ask for support from my partner e.g. in writing.