22 & 24012014
Before I continue with my writings on
efficiency, I would like to focus on a point that has surfaced just
recently. I read Anna's blog post about how children learn to fear
adults, and the realization process that begun unconsciously as I
read the text came to an epiphany yesterday.
I have been directing a basic course of
theatre for children around the age 7-13 since September. My group
has around 16 kids, and the course has been going quite well with no
major conflicts or disagreements. At the end of our last week's
meeting, however, we were doing an exercise that was a bit out of
ordinary an unpleasant to some kids, and a child got upset and angry
towards another child. I tried to resolve the situation with no
success: I went to talk to the upset child who had run away and also
asked for the other child, the one she was angry towards, to join the
discussion and explain his point of view on what happened. However,
the other child was reluctant to join in, very defensive in his
speech and left the situation as fast as he could. The upset child
refused to answer anything I said throughout the situation. Both
children ended up leaving feeling bad – and so did I.
What I realized yesterday was why the
other child was defensive. As I asked him to come discuss the matter,
it was a setting very similar to situations where kids are often
assumed to have done something “wrong” for which they need to be
punished. I can now see that he was afraid of getting told off, of
getting punished, of having to apologize for no reason, of being
unfairly responsible. I was not going to do any of this, but I did
not realize that I would have actually needed to clarify this to the
child, as I, in that situation, was a representation of the punishing
adult figure. This is a whole new position of responsibility for me
as an adult.
What I also realized is where I went
wrong with the child that got upset. She reacted to a specific role
she was assigned within a play scenario, which was not intended as an
insult but was more a result of carelessness. I explained the
situation to her and did what I could to offer her assistance to walk
through the reaction, but she chose to hold onto her emotion.
Originally this is not how I saw it: I was moving by my fear of
failure. Throughout this course I have been afraid of failing in the
eyes of my superiors (my mentor & the parents of the children),
and I have defined “failure” to happen when the children do not
in any way enjoy the course or learn anything of value. When the
child reacted and ran away, I reacted to what I saw through this fear
and tried to “fix” the situation (soothe the child) so that my
superiors wouldn't judge me (the child's parents). What I failed to
realize here was the reality of individual experience and choice, and
also the context of what actually happened. By trying to comfort the
child I also validated her reaction, even though her reaction was not
in fact valid – so instead of holding onto my fear of failure and
trying to get her to calm down, I could've clearly explained the
situation to her and left her to process on her own when she chose to
shut down, because that moment onwards she was already on a one-way
track: the mind-pattern, the “program”, had already been
initialized, it was already running.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that because the relationship between adults and children has
been warped into a power play where adults hold the power and
children are stripped of individual will, I as an adult and the one
“in power” am responsible for de-constructing and re-building
this relationship.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that children fear me because to them I represent all the
adults they have met, possibly ones that have punished them and
treated them as lesser beings.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take
into consideration the fact that children in general are indirectly
taught to fear adults.
- As a side note: do you know the moment when you look at a younger child and at first they immediately draw back and just watch you very keenly to see who you are? After which they either decide to relax or to remain withdrawn. That's a phenomenon I am guessing has something to do with this fear point.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that
my authorities (my mentor and the parents) will perceive and believe
that I am doing a bad job with the course and define me “incapable”,
“unfit”, “unqualified”, thus meaning that I have failed in my
attempt to design and direct the course.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/desire to be “capable”, “fit” and “qualified”, wanting to “have a place” in the world and do something constructive, be useful and for my existence to be meaningful, thus creating a fear of being the opposite: “incapable”, “unfit” and “unqualified”. [This point needs elaboration.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my
mentor as my “authority” because she has taught me a lot, not
realizing that teaching another person does not grant that person
(direct) power over the other.
- By teaching the other things from his/her perspective there IS power being used, as in presenting a perspective as the whole truth, but this is indirect power play which I will not go into.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
and perceive that when I am taught by another, the other is then
“more” and I am “less” because he/she happened to have the
information before I did and was willing to share this with me –
not realizing that this makes no sense at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that the relationship of a teacher and the one being taught
is not a one-way exchange, but that within that moment of interaction
both may learn from each other – and that the act of teaching and
being taught in itself thus holds no power relations and can be based
on equality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that as my mentor has taught me, I have taught her in
exchange, even though I haven't done this in a traditional setting of
teaching.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that I am an equal to my mentor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see
myself as an equal to my mentor.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that
my mentor will see what I'm doing with the kids and react to it
because I'm not directing the course the same way as she used to, not
realizing that her reaction is primarily an indication of who she is
(reacting to change) and not a sign that I'm doing things “wrong”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume
that my mentor would react negatively if she saw what I'm doing with
the kids as I perceive and believe she doesn't trust me to “know
what I'm doing”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
and perceive that my mentor doesn't trust me, not realizing that her
allowing me to take on this responsibility and then undertake it for
months already without her direct supervision, is in fact an act of
trust.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust
myself to “know what I'm doing”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define
“knowing what I'm doing” to mean I have a clear vision behind
which I can stand firm like a mountain, thus executing the plan
without failure – not realizing that I am looking at an ideal and
not the reality of who I am at the moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that even though I do not attain the ideal I still, to an
extent, have a vision of what I'm doing with the course, principles
that I act upon, a plan that I am somewhat following even there are
changes on the way – and that how I'm doing it is in fact choosing
the path of uncertainty in order to take all components into
consideration, thus allowing more flexibility and more power to the
children, rather than choosing the path of certainty and overriding a
lot of factors just to keep the plan going.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge
myself for not being certain of what I'm doing with the course, not
realizing that it is not a bad thing, as now the course is there as a
platform to serve the participants and not the other way around.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react
with fear of things spinning out of control when I saw the child
getting angry and running off.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that within that moment the fear of failure activated in me,
thus dictating all of my following actions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel
obligated to go to the child to try and “fix” things – to “fix”
the chaos.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
and perceive that if there's chaos on the course, I have failed –
not realizing that directing 16 individual beings without it ever
going chaotic is a challenge that I might not and don't have to live
up to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to
accumulate my fear of failure further when I talked to the child and
she did not reply, as I interpreted her silence to mean that I was
saying the “wrong” things, not realizing that she had already
withdrawn and shut down from the moment onwards that I touched her
and staid beside her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that when she asked me to leave her alone, I should have
actually done that.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that when she asked to be left alone and I dismissed her
request by thinking I know better and now have to explain the
situation to her, I contributed to her shutting down by not letting
her have the space she wanted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dismiss
her request to be left alone as I was moving by my fear of failure,
thus feeling like I “have to do something” and not just leave her
alone, as leaving her alone felt like “doing nothing” - when in
fact giving her space and allowing her to process the situation on
her own would have been “doing something”.
When and as I see a child reacting negatively during the course, I
stop, I breathe and I scan myself for any self-judgement. I remind
myself that the reaction of a person on its own doesn't say anything
about the trigger, even though the reaction can be used to reflect
upon the trigger – and that the reactions of the children are not
direct statements about what the course is and who I am as a
director. I breathe and I let go of the self-judgement in
self-forgiveness in breath. I then look at the situation from the
child's perspective, ask questions if needed and proceed accordingly.
I commit myself to de-construct and re-construct my relationship to
children to be one based on equality and oneness.
I commit myself to find and speak the words to describe my approach
to directing this course in order to define my stance and thus build
trust in myself.
I commit myself to stop and breathe to listen when a child makes a
request.
Ei kommentteja:
Lähetä kommentti