Day 344: Self-judgement curling me up

30102013

These days I often get this feeling that I don't want to do anything at all but to sit down and entertain myself. I started to wonder how exactly I accumulate this experience, and I realized that HEY, this state of being is a symptom of something I accept and allow in myself. People don't “just become” unable to function out of physical tiredness: when one is physically tired after a long day, it can be slept off, but this “I don't want to do shit” -experience appears even when I am NOT physically tired and would have plenty of energy to do other stuff.

I noticed this just now when I had gotten myself onto my couch to scribble some nonograms and I realized that I had physically drawn myself into a very withdrawn position with my knees against my chest, head down, toes curled and breathing shallow. I looked at myself and thought: “what am I hiding from?”, and I remembered a moment of self-judgement just half an hour before and realized it had added on top of my weariness and become the catalyst for me withdrawing.

What else has happened during my day to make me want to hide and withdraw?

For the entire day I have been bothered by a discussion I had yesterday which I think did not go as well as it should have. I went through the topic of the discussion in writing, found certainty in my point of view and made a decision to return to the topic with the person involved, but I didn't realize that the reason I was bothered by this discussion was because I judged myself to have “failed” in the discussion because we did not end up in a clear solution / consensus. So this point of self-judgement has followed me and weighed me down all day.

I went to work in the morning and throughout my shift I noticed these small moments of self-judgement coming up. My morning shift includes cleaning up the bar, and unless I start early enough and work overtime, I might not finish the task before it's time to open up the bar – and when I “fail” this task, I judge myself, and it shows in how I treat the customers, because on some passive-aggressive level I take it out on them. Today that moment of self-evaluation was there, but because I had started work half an hour early and finished cleaning on time, my self-evaluation was positive and I tipped over to the other polarity where I was overly cheerful with all the customers.

However, there were other moments where I noticed stress coming up (I feel it instantly as tension in my shoulders) when I feared that I might “fail” a task. During morning shifts these moments usually come up when I have to leave the cash register unguarded to pick up some stuff from the storage, because I fear someone will come and rob the bar the very minute I turn my back, which would make my employers disappointed and angry with me and perhaps result in some legal consequences. So because there was a lot of stuff I had to pick up from the storage, these moments kept adding up to the feeling of “failure” that had already been gnawing me since last night. On top of that, right after I left work my employer gave me feedback about a mistake I had made with the register last week, and I thought of myself as “stupid” for being so careless.

It appears I really fear disappointing my employers (authorities). This links directly to my experiences with school: trying to do well to please the teachers and my parents.

In the evening I read a comment in the internet with which I judged myself as “stupid”. With this moment of self-judgement I instantly withdrew from the internet, curled up on the couch, watched a little TV and curled up even more to scribble because just sitting up straight felt too heavy. Interesting in retrospect to look at what I did, because it all happened without me having direct control over my doings – I was not directing myself at all, but moving as if on autopilot. It's as if the negative feeling within me (self-judgement, heaviness, smallness) was pulling me into this tense little ball, like a hedgehog defending itself from the world.

Fascinating. Tomorrow, self-forgiveness.

Day 343: Facing myself within the fear of men

28102013

"Lean on me" by Susan Lyon

I have recently become involved in a new relationship, and it is still in the process of taking form which is why I will not go into details on it yet. It has been a pretty dominant experience for me during the past few weeks and I am now starting to see what I have been going through when facing this new person – or more accurately, who I am with this person.

When I met this person I was both attracted to him and extremely scared of him. There was nothing about him that would have required me to be cautious, which is the purpose of fear as a survival mechanism: he was not dangerous, malicious or abusive. The reason I was (and still am a little bit) afraid of him is because of a stereotype of men I connected him to upon my first impression of him, and also because of what I see of myself when I am with him. In his presence I am faced both with the absurdity of judging people by who they appear to be and with the boundaries of my current comfort zone.

Because of the stereotype in my mind – which I have compiled as a result of my past experiences with men – I was at first suspicious of him and cautious around him, which basically manifested as an all-over tension in my body and a lack of relaxed breathing. When I interacted with him this became more and more obvious to me because within the interaction I was getting constant feedback and support, both verbal and non-verbal. I had to face the fact that this person was showing me his trustworthiness and exposing himself to me while I was being reserved and judgmental out of fear.

A while back I was writing about a core question that had arisen in me: who am I with others? I have noticed that there isn't really anyone I would be entirely relaxed with – the kind of relaxed that I am alone at home without the fear of anyone seeing me – and I realized that I am starting to approach a point in walking myself out of introversion where I am going to have to write this shit out in detail and apply it in practice. However, for now I have not done so, at least not as effectively as I could have. It may be because I am currently living alone and also haven't been in a partnership with anyone for a year: I have not had that stable and consistent platform for feedback and support that helps immensely in self-development. My situation is currently changing from having no intense support to having plenty of it (more on that later), and I think that this is a prime opportunity to start focusing on the personalities I utilize to protect myself within social conduct.

A personality I have come across is one that I call the “happy persona” - a state of being where I hesitate sharing my troubles, worries and challenges and rather portray myself to be joyous, successful and trouble-free. I will begin walking this point with self-forgiveness in posts to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X to be “just another man” after nothing but sex because he was straightforward, handsome and appeared confident.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that men who are straightforward – directly addressing what is going on instead of tip-toeing around the issue – are only interested in self-satisfaction (getting what they desire as fast as possible), not realizing that I have created this interpretation based on a few past experiences where some men have approached me with the purpose of having sex with me, as well as on the image of men as sexually predatory which the society and culture I grew up in has taught me – and that the reason I avoid straightforward men and gravitate towards shy men is because shy men feel “safe” to me whereas straightforward men feel “dangerous” - not realizing that this “gut feeling” of mine doesn't actually say anything about the actual intentions about the people: the shy guy might as well be looking for someone to manipulate while the straightforward guy might be sincerely interested in other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that good-looking men are bound to be assholes because their looks “must have” provided them with so much popularity that they have become self-centered – not realizing that this is yet another stereotype I have created based on a few real-life examples (completely ignoring the good-looking people who have turned out incredibly humble) and on the character of the “handsome douche” that is everywhere in the pop culture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “good looks” - no matter how normative – are subjective, and that “good looks” is not an asset that would work for the benefit of a person anywhere universally, and that therefore I cannot assume that a person has “had it good” just because of how their face and body is shaped because I don't know what kind of a life they have actually lived and how they have experienced it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that confident men are abusive because they are often assertive whereas I have been passive and easy to comply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confident men as “abusive”, not realizing that I am actually afraid of them because I perceive myself to be “powerless” in front of their assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the position of “the abused” and blame another for “abusing” me when in fact I have done nothing to become assertive and self-directed myself and then complied to the assertiveness of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by the confidence of another because I have felt like I am “losing” in comparison to the other – not realizing that what I perceive as “confidence” might not even be confidence and that the person might actually be just as scared as I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “safety” from shy men who have not been confident, assertive and/or straightforward because with them I have not had to develop my confidence, assertiveness and straightforwardness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give X a chance to show me who he really is / myself a chance to see who he really is because it was easier to defend myself with the stereotype of a “non-trustworthy man” (“stay away form this guy bad news bad news!”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that my assumptions and first-impressions about X were influenced by fear and that my view of him was distorted from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a person through fear, manifested as tension in my body, and then blame the other for “coming too close” when and as I have been faced with my own fearful and tense state of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when another has challenged my belief on how social situations “should be” conducted: when, where and how are which actions “allowed”.

--

[Cut out some personal SF that went into more detail on the beliefs that were challenged. The conclusion I came to was that when I believe that certain forms of self-expression are "not allowed" in social conduct until enough time has passed and an appropriate sense of "trustworthiness" has been established, I support myself to assume the worst out of everyone I do not yet know "well enough" - which is the majority of all the fucking people on this planet - and consequently give myself permission to be reserved and limited with everyone who hasn't made it into my "inner circle".]

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing and exposing the fact that I am excited and happy about this new person being in my life and the opportunities this situation opens up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing my excitement because I have wanted to remain “above” the situation by appearing “cool”, not realizing that this is yet another defense mechanism I use to protect myself from abuse – not realizing that I will not protect myself from abuse by distancing myself from people and suppressing my interest towards people but by not living as the compliant, passive victim I have gotten used to being.

When and as I am with X, I commit myself to focus on my breathing as much as possible to stabilize myself and thus assist and support myself to notice and face my own reactions, feelings, emotions and thoughts.

I commit myself to write about the points that arise within interaction with X.

I commit myself to utilize this opportunity to practice self-honest communication by not accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from X and by instead sharing my experience in its entirety without sugar-coating. (Quite awesome that he supports me in this!)

I will continue with the “who am I with others” personality point in posts to come.

Days 340-342: SF on Day 339: Balancing the social

25-27102013

A continuation to my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I stress about things I make myself so tired that it feels as if I cannot do my daily writing – the exact thing that would help me with the stress and the tiredness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I am tired, to rather entertain myself than find the cause of the tiredness and as the result of repetition create a behavioral pattern out of this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the pattern of entertaining myself when tired instead of challenging myself to for example write about the tiredness and thus try to resolve it instead of escaping it.

When and as I see myself reaching for entertainment (TV, games, food) when tired, I stop, I breathe and I realize I am trying to escape my tiredness into entertainment. I realize that the entertainment will not help me with the tiredness as it will only make me more disoriented and exhausted, and that what will actually help me recover is resting and dealing with the cause of the tiredness. I breathe and return myself into my body and I check my physical state to see how exactly I am tired. If the tiredness is of the kind where I would be ready to fall asleep, I make the necessary arrangements to get myself to sleep as soon as possible. If the tiredness is not the kind where I would be sleepy but where I am worn out, I ask myself what I have done during my day to cause such a weariness. If necessary, I will write about the points that arise from this self-dialogue. If I am still not sleepy but the weariness persists, I will find some activity that I am able to do within the weariness until I tire enough to sleep the rest of it off.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about passing my exams and thus feel guilty every time I do something other than study, such as spend time with friends, hobbies, chores or writing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don't need to pass my exams at one go, and that if I do not have enough time to study for the first exam, I'll have plenty to pass at the second or third attempt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I study at the expense of my well-being I am in fact sabotaging myself, because when I neglect some facets of my life for the sake of others I am not supporting myself to live a balanced life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself a standard of passing all exams at first attempt, wanting to be a “star student” that doesn't get stuck with single courses unfinished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge students who get stuck with some courses that they cannot pass no matter how many times they try, not realizing that I am terrified of being in such a position myself because of the powerlessness of not knowing what else I could do to pass the fucking exam already.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will face a “wall” with my studies where who I am is “not enough” to understand the study material and that no amount of practice will be able to surpass this obstacle – not realizing that there is no such thing as “talent”, a magical quality that others inherently have and others don't, which is why some people succeed and others don't – and that if I do face an “obstacle” that feels “impossible” it is simply because I accept and allow myself to feel overwhelmed by material that other people just like me have created with their human brains and minds and hands, which is something I am capable of understanding (because it is something I might as well have created in the other people's shoes!) as long as I break it down enough and allow myself time to “take it in”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that passing an exam, no matter how difficult, is not impossible but a matter of steadfast practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting “left behind”, not realizing that no matter how many people I compare myself to I am still HERE as myself with the knowledge and skills that I have, and that who I am now as knowledge and skills can be rehearsed only from HERE one word at a time, one movement at a time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with myself and get frustrated when I study slower than what I expect of myself, not realizing that I cannot force myself to learn by pushing harder, but that I can assist myself to learn by slowing down, taking the information in one word at a time and allowing myself time to process and understand what I have read and place it into context.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when my study technique where I actually try to understand things is “too slow” for the university schedules, and then try to adjust myself to the university schedule requirements, not realizing that the university schedules have not been designed to fit everyone and that if I study as fast as the schedules dictate, my learning will suffer and decline.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the study schedules for being “impossible”, not realizing that they have been created with the assumption that I study nothing else than my main subject AND that I do not work while studying, and that they cannot thus work for me as they are, making it MY responsibility to make them work, which is perfectly possible and a matter of simple planning, organizing and letting go of my “star student” standards.

I commit myself to study the given material with the pace I require to actually learn, process and understand within and as the realization that passing an exam (gaining merit in imaginary realities) is secondary to my process of learning (expanding in the practical reality).

I commit myself to experiment with different study techniques to see what would work best for me.

I commit myself to investigate what time of the day I am most “responsive” to studying and to utilize that time of the day as well as possible.

I commit myself to support my well-being – which reflects directly to my ability to study – by taking care of my diet, exercising daily (if only a little), sleeping enough / not too much, sharing life with other people and reserving time for re-creation (creation, building and self-expression).

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an energetic “high” from the joy, excitement and happiness I have felt within the social groups and environments I have entered recently, thus losing my stability now as the “high” is starting to wear off.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to slip from one polarity into the other, crashing from the “high” into the “low”, by feeling like there's something “missing” when I'm no longer spending as much time with these people because of practical reasons (we all work and study).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my feeling of happiness, joy, enjoyment, fun, excitement and being relaxed and motivated dependent on the people I am with, thus feeling like all this is “missing” when I'm not with these specific people and filling the void with depression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of abandonment to moments that remind me of past events where I have experienced myself to have been abandoned and excluded and where have felt like an “outsider”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct a fear of abandonment based on events where I have experienced loneliness and alienation, connecting memories of the past within my mind into a system that is triggered when my environment HERE resembles my past environments, within the moment of reaction believing and perceiving that my environment HERE is what I have interpreted my environments to be in the past (hostile, unwelcoming, estranged) and thus not actually looking at what is HERE but instantly “painting a picture” over the reality before my eyes, thus responding with depression and becoming withdrawn, making myself more difficult to approach and creating a situation where I alienate myself from others – looping around and fulfilling my own prophecy: “nobody wants to be with me”.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to react with fear to my environment being “unwelcoming” because I believed and perceived (unconsciously) that I need others to welcome me to this world and this life to have “permission” to be here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to make myself dependent on the acceptance of others as I did not know (I had not been taught) that all Life has an absolute “right” to exist – that I do not need to get “permission” through anyone's acceptance because Life simply IS and exists – and that even though the acceptance of other people plays a part on the social field / the “social game”, this field/game is a conceptual, man-made reality that has no relevance unless I believe and participate in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to believe and perceive that the acceptance of my peers in school had relevance because not being accepted on the social field had consequences in the actual reality (I was alone in class, during recess and after school; when I was not alone the company I had was not supportive).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to react to not being accepted by my peers with embarrassment, sadness and depression as I had not learned (I had not been taught) how to accept, support and assist myself in my living NOR how to seek for support from others (everyone outside my peer group).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason I never trusted authorities (adults) with my childhood issues was because my parents were pretty unstable themselves and did not offer me the model of a “trustworthy adult”. *

* This point is pretty new to me, because I have always considered my parents to have been “good parents” - and they did do OK most of the time, which I am grateful of. But the more I have studied up on childhood development and psychology the more I have come to realize how I was fucked up from the start by my parents' unresolved issues (which there were aplenty) – one day I found myself thinking: “My parents should have never had kids.” This thought still feels really “bad” to me, as if I had no right to say such a thing, even though I know that I don't mean it in a bad way: to me most of the parents having children are way underqualified for parenting. It's no wonder my parents were a pair of those people.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seclude myself for many years by living alone and by not seeking company outside my activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, during my solitary years, to not seek for company by my own initiative even when I would have really wanted to be in the presence of people because I was afraid of being rejected by those I would approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire to be with people because I did not know how to walk through the fear of rejection, thus accumulating the secret desire of having friends and being social.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about getting carried away by the joy of now having company, not realizing that it is the outflow/eruption/discharge of the energy I have accumulated during my years of isolation, and that on some level this discharge was inevitable, although I am still responsible for directing myself within the discharge.

I commit myself to investigate how to integrate socializing into my life without having to sacrifice myself for it.

I commit myself to investigate the fear of others abandoning me if I do not “please” them.

Day 339: Balancing the social

24102013

I have recently been very busy with studying so I haven't had much time to spare for my daily writing, and the little time I would have had I have spent with some form of entertainment in order to “relax” or “unwind”. I have required “unwinding” because I've been stressed about failing my tests, and I have added on top of that stress by worrying about this pause from writing and by being distressed about some personal matters as well.

I haven't been too worried over any of this, but now it's turning into intense physical pain that I cannot ignore. During the weekend a couple of friends massaged my shoulders (they told me I was really stuck, which I was, but when I was stuck I was not in pain because I was so “crystallized” into my stance, like a fucking statue) and ever since I have been in pain constantly. My back has been in really poor condition because of studying positions where I have to hunch all the time and now the massage somehow released some physical points in my shoulders that I have previously “locked” underneath.

During the past couple of days (since the massage – thanks, guys, for probing around) I've been experiencing moments of depression. They stand out to me because I haven't felt depressed in a long time. They have occurred in moments where I have felt like I am “left outside” a group or a social activity, even though none of the moments have been such where I would have been refused access out of malice, but such where I have walked away voluntarily because it has been a practical choice.

This shows me how much the social life that I have built during these couple of months actually means to me: it has been immensely enjoyable and fun, there's been a sense of belonging and group spirit, I haven't had to be alone or secluded if I haven't wanted to. My life hasn't been this happily social yet independent in years (if ever) and I have simply been enjoying all of it, taking in the joys of being a social creature.

So now that the “high” is starting to wear off, I begin to fear losing it all. What if these people will abandon me? What if they start to resent me? What if I alienate my friends? What if I will lose all this “happiness”? Thus in moments of separation the fear is triggered - “what if I will never have it this good again” - and because my mind is used to such patterns since childhood, I start thinking of theories to support the negative outcome / worst-case scenario and I make myself depressed. In the beginning everyone has been kind of hyped about these social circles, but now that things are kinda stabilizing back to “normal” (people return to living their lives on their own terms, not sacrificing everything for the social activities) it's like there's a withdrawal that for me turns into heavy depression. And the answer to that is NOT to hang out with people more, no, but to look a what all this socializing has been “fulfilling” in me and what is missing when I'm not socializing.

Again (talking to myself), I do NOT mean that being social and having friends is a “bad” thing. I have made myself believe that solitude is a “good” thing because I have feared reaching out to people, and I have even demonized spending time with friends simply because I have been jealous, sad and depressed for not having that kind of a stable social environment myself. So what I'm dealing with here is the addiction and attachment to having company, so that I could bring myself out of the polarities (refusing all company – being dependent on company) and utilize the social aspect of life in a way that supports the well-being of all.

Will continue with SF.

Days 337-338: Getting out of bed because "important stuff awaits"

19-20102013

Still looking at the point with sleeping and waking up. Thanks to what I wrote before I have no longer been skipping morning classes, but there's still a problem with not getting up early even without something to “force” me out of bed.

For example, today I woke up around 10am after about 6 hours of sleep. I regained consciousness, I sat up to check the time, I felt awake and thought “I could get up already even though my alarm goes off in an hour”, but then, for some reason, I laid back down and fell into a dream state where I didn't really rest but just dreamt a lot. This pattern repeats over and over again, morning after morning. I regain consciousness after about 6 hours, but because I am not fully alert right away I think “I can sleep a little more” and suddenly I notice I've slept for 9 hours. This is not cool. I know I do not need the extra sleep after that 6 hours when I naturally wake up, and now I'm here to write to support myself through those moments of almost getting out of bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay in bed because it's warm under the blanket whereas my apartment feels very cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of the discomfort of feeling cold when getting out of bed and use it as an excuse to stay in bed even though I do not need to stay in bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the coldness wears off after I get out of bed and move around, and that even though the moment I get out of bed feels “the worst” because the coldness hits me and my body goes into a momentary shock, the sensation of coldness will not last when and as I move myself and/or exercise, eat breakfast and put on enough clothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that coldness is not a valid reason to stay in bed because it's a practical issue I am fully capable to take care of without much effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse myself to stay in bed by thinking “I don't have anything important to do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “important tasks” to be things that have something outside of me to “please” - employers, teachers, clients, an audience – and to thus not be motivated to do things that do not have an external “audience” to satisfy but would only serve my (and others') well-being without external validation, acceptance or reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to the validation, acceptance and reward I get from outside of me (as learned in childhood) and to thus ignore self-validation, self-acceptance and self-reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to do things that are self-driven because it has required more effort to make those things rewarding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to write my blog because I rarely get direct feedback from the people who read it (easy reward) and because it takes a lot of time to see the results of writing in my everyday living (hard reward).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to exercise because I don't remember how good it physically feels immediately after exercise (fast reward) and because the long-term results of exercise – the strengthening of my body – only appear after consistently exercising for long periods of time (slow reward).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the push of effort I have to make in order to exercise so that I forget the fast and the slow rewards it gets me.

When and as I resist exercising because it feels like “too much”, I commit myself to stop, breathe and remind myself of the fast and slow rewards exercise gets me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compelled to stay in bed because it has been a comfortable escape from my life which has been taking on a new structure, using up a lot of my energy and time, making life seem “chaotic”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this escape routine – which may have been useful in the beginning of this life change so that I could “recharge” - not realizing that this routine has served its purpose and is no longer valid as it's now keeping me from utilizing my time properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I would have a lot of useful and enjoyable things to do with that extra time not spent in bed, such as writing, reading, exercising, making music, cooking, cleaning, sewing and getting back to visual arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “important” tasks and activities to be such where there is external validation, not realizing that the amount and source of validation that I get from an activity says nothing about its actual relevance to the well-being of All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a task/activity is “important” only if there is an external “demand” that will be rewarded with external validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my definition of “importance” (stuff that needs to be done) dates back to my childhood when I sought to compensate for my low self-esteem by doing well in school and hobbies and getting validation from my parents, teachers and audiences – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this definition is no longer valid as “what needs to be done” is no longer (and never really was) to create myself a temporary illusion of self-worth so that life wouldn't feel like shit but is now instead to live as self-worth that I structure, create and support myself as this will benefit All Life, myself included.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that getting out of bed when I have had enough rest is important because through this act of self-discipline I support myself to become an active director of my own life, no longer floating around passively and responding to impulses but being the impulse as a self-directed principle.

I commit myself to challenge myself to no longer sleep in and to get myself out of bed when and as I wake up naturally after about 6 hours within and as the realization that through this action I build myself into a self-disciplined and active participant and director of my own life.

I commit myself to cut myself some slack when and as I actually need to sleep more (when I am sick or using up more energy than usual) and to utilize SF and writing for the possible guilt and regret for “wasting my time” on sleeping.

I commit myself to get myself out of bed on cold mornings by walking around, moving my body, stretching, making myself a warm breakfast and getting dressed.

I commit myself to investigate my definition of “importance”.

Day 336: Reaching out to strangers

18-19102013

I was just walking down the street next to the university and a young man around my age walked past me. I saw him looking at me and so I looked back, and I saw that me looking at him encouraged him to look back at me after already turning his eyes away. It was a fun moment where I simply looked at another to express my curiosity, but I noticed that I kinda felt like smiling but couldn't do it until he had already passed me by. This has happened to me many times before, that I look at someone and feel like smiling but suppress it until the other cannot see it (or the smile escapes onto my face and I feel embarrassed), or I look at another without smiling and later on fear that maybe I appeared hostile because I did not smile.

I have been born and raised in a culture where strangers do not look at each other on the streets and do not smile, not to each other or to themselves. The lack of smiles is why a lot of foreigners find this place difficult to adapt into, because it appears hostile and cold even though under the serious faces people are really friendly. While talking to a mobile phone one is excused to express oneself because there is someone “familiar” one is talking to – someone from the “inner circle” that has “earned the right” to interact with this person – and after the phone call people revert back to silence and become serious and withdrawn. The phone call is not something you can share with the strangers next to you even though they're right there and heard and saw every bit of the phone call.

Having traveled in cultures where people do engage in contact with strangers much more easily, even if it's somehow superficial, I see that the culture I live in is very fearful, because even when one participates in apparently meaningless small talk one is at least giving oneself a chance to learn something from interaction. Here in Finland we don't even give ourselves that chance. Instead we keep to the small realities we create from the people we “trust” (have allowed ourselves not to be terrified with) and keep the rest of the world away and alienated.

When I look at it from this cultural perspective it is easier for me to see what exactly is wrong with the approach to strangers I have learned while growing up here. Why do I fear smiling to people? Why do I fear looking at people? Why do I fear opening conversations with people? It comes down to self-trust, self-honesty and self-expression – it all comes down to SELF, not who the others are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear smiling at strangers because I have wanted to appear cool and distant to uphold an appearance of superiority so that the other one would fear me more than I fear him/her. *

* This may date really far back in genetics, even.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to intimidate a stranger with my appearance because I have feared that they might possibly be hostile and thus tried to keep them at a “safe distance”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the behavioral pattern of attempting to intimidate others to protect myself is a defense mechanism I have created in my childhood / teen years when I didn't have the capacity to deal with all kinds of people, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this defense mechanism is no longer necessary as I am no longer a child / teenager.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear showing friendliness (good intent) through a smile towards strangers because as a child I learned that I my friendliness is dependent upon the other one's intentions as I was unable to defend myself from bad intent. *

* Just think of a small child: many of them do not smile unconditionally to strangers (at least not after a certain point of development) but instead become restrained and nervous around strange adults. This only wears out after the adult has shown the child that he/she is “safe” to be around and approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being unconditionally “open” to all people (welcoming, friendly, warm) because as a child I have learned to protect myself by clamming up until my environment appears “safe” as I could not yet fully rely on myself regardless of my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my environment was “unsafe” in my childhood because I did not have the tools and the capacity to deal with everything that there is to the world, and that the fear of “unsafe” environments and people is therefore no longer valid as I now do have the tools and the capacity to deal with whatever I come across. (May sound “big”, but the basics are actually really simple.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though I still come across “new” situations where things feel uncomfortable, unfamiliar and strange, these situations are not in fact “unsafe” - such where I would have to fear for my well-being – but that I can support myself through these uncomfortable, unfamiliar and strange situations unharmed (although most likely I will be changed) with the cognitive, social and physical tools I have learned while growing up to become a self-supported adult being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking at a stranger because I have perceived it as a threat, not realizing that it is in fact a window of opportunity and that my perception is outdated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear smiling at people because I have perceived it to be a threat – that I am exposing myself to abuse by inviting another closer – not realizing that abuse will not simply “happen” to me but that I am capable of NOT accepting and allowing myself to be abused numerous times “along the way” (during the course of the interaction).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label the action “inviting people closer” as something negative because this has sometimes resulted to me being abused, thus blaming and guilting myself in advance to protect myself from getting abused again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the act of “inviting people closer” or choosing to trust people (which is initially self-trust - “I can trust myself to survive around this person” - “my abilities are enough to survive with this person”) is NOT in fact a negative act but that I have labeled it as such to protect myself from getting hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear talking to strangers because I have feared getting judged because in this culture strangers talking comfortably to each other is uncommon.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the people in Finland will think that I am “strange”, “weird” or “crazy” for talking comfortably to strangers as my equals and that people will not want to interact with me because of how they perceive and believe me to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if another chooses to seclude me from their reality because of their perception of me, it is not because I am somehow “not good enough” but because I trigger discomfort in the person on such a level that the person cannot / will not face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on interacting with the locals after the first difficult words/sentences because I have interpreted this difficulty/stiffness to mean that the other doesn't like me and that I should just shut up – not realizing that the people who have grown up here just “warm up” really slowly because they're (we're) so afraid of each other, and that it may take a while to actually get close to a new person. *

* I witnessed an interesting scene in the bus where a man was talking to a woman with a dog. The woman was replying with very short sentences, just one or two words, but after a couple of silent moments the man kept on going in a very friendly manner. Little by little the woman's sentences got longer (which is also when I heard her accent and realized finnish is not her first language) and she got more comfortable with the man talking to her, even though in the beginning she seemed very uncomfortable. I admire that man for his uncompromised perseverance! I will learn from his example.

Whenever I remember to do this, I commit myself to practice looking at, smiling at and talking to strangers on the streets by walking with my posture straight, eyes forward and face “open” (no scarves or hats “blocking” my face) and by keeping myself grounded in breath aware of my movements and aware of what I see around me. I commit myself to take note of all reactions that occur in me when I do this and to go through each revealed point in written or spoken self-forgiveness.

When and as I feel resistance/hesitation to look at, smile at or talk to a stranger, I stop, I breathe and I realize that the resistance is a remnant of a childhood defense mechanism that is no longer valid because I am no longer a child. I realize that I am now in fact fully capable of facing and supporting myself through everything that may come about within interaction with other human beings, because I know how to learn, adapt, express and communicate. I bring my focus to breath and ground myself back into my body and allow myself and my existence to rely on my physical completely. If the stranger is still there, I return to the interaction within and as self-trust. If not, I utilize my stabilized state otherwise.

Days 334-335: Giving feedback to a friend

14, 16102013

Am I being too soft by not being aggressive and critical with the feedback I give my friends?

When I interact with people and notice something I should point out, I am balancing out between being too harsh and too kind on people. The model I have picked up on giving out constructive criticism has been a fairly aggressive and reactive one, and I realize that this is not the best possible way to approach people, because within it I ignore my own reactiveness and blame the other for “not knowing” (making me react). Within this model I also assume the worst of everyone and believe my assumptions without question. Acting from within this model has caused a lot of conflict and friction to occur, and the discussion hasn't really advanced because everyone has been raging at each other.

I have reflected upon the buddhist principle of not saying things that are hurtful to others. I have not been fond of this principle because to meet it seems to encourage people to tip-toe around each other's issues and allow them to live out their shitty patterns – I have seen cowardice in this guideline. It has bothered me throughout the years though, and I have returned to think about it every now and then.

What I have come to realize that the principle does not have to be understood and applied this way. What I see in it is a suggestion to not try and aggravate people – not to provoke – but to instead try to say things in such a way that would be comprehendible to others.

There's been a gradual change in my approach and today I came to think of it when I had a discussion with a friend. She told me about some things that were bothering her in her life – things that are usually considered highly immoral – and I told her my perspective on it. After this she told me that everyone she had talked to about this before had gotten really angry at her and told her that what she is doing is “absolutely wrong”. I only then realized that I hadn't reacted to the information she shared with me in such a way (even though the reaction of “woe the immorality” was there) and that my starting point was not that of aggressive-defensive reactiveness as it had apparently been with her other friends – and I thought to myself: am I being too soft? Should I have told her she is doing “wrong” things? Should I have been more assertive?

I think that my approach may have even helped her, because how I put my words didn't make her flip out. I was honest and direct, but I wasn't accusative. And that may have helped in getting the message across. Making people feel safe may be pretty essential in interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another's description of her actions by thinking “whoa, that's not OK”, not realizing that whatever I consider to be “right” or “wrong” is a subjective standard, no matter how much it benefits the well-being of all life from my perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another based on my standards of “good living”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another without consideration for why she has done the things she has done, not realizing that her mistakes may have been done out of ignorance (not knowing) instead of negligence (not wanting to).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friend to be “immoral” because the story she told me reinforced the mental image I had of her – not realizing that the reality is not black-and-white like that and that she is not doing these things out of malice (at least not yet, as far as I can tell).

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my friend to be “immoral”, “flighty”, “dependent” and “messed up” based on my first impression of her, not realizing that I first met her years ago when her life was much more of a mess than it is right now, and that it is unfair towards her and myself to only see her as a two-dimensional stereotype that is based on her past and mine.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give my friend a chance to show me / myself a chance to see who she is NOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to what my friend told me because I believe and perceive I would not be able to do the things she does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to my friend's actions because if I was faced with similar situations I would freeze with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my fear on my friend by accusing her of being “immoral” (even though this accusation was just a passing thought that never carried onto actions), thus reinforcing the behavioral pattern of labeling all the things I have limited from myself as “bad”/”wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “moralize” others by blaming my own limitations on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my limitations by labeling them “bad”/”wrong” - believing I shouldn't have been able to do them anyway because they're “forbidden”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when I had explained my point of view to my friend, thinking I should be discussing and giving feedback “more like the others”, not realizing that reacting with aggression and blaming it on the other through anger, pity, cruelty or putting her down would not assist and support her in understanding what I'm trying to say and would only alienate her as I would be acting through self-interest – and that there is thus no reason for me to regret the way I put my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being honest with others because I fear they will react and blame their reaction on me, not realizing that no matter my starting point and how carefully I place my words some people might react and blame it on me anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I see something I consider to be dysfunctional, it is my responsibility to point it out and at least discuss it with others as long as we agree on the matter, which is when action can be taken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility of pointing out dysfunctionalities by thinking “it was probably nothing” / “they will figure it out themselves”, thus letting it slip through my fingers, accepting and allowing the dysfunction to continue existing as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my evaluation of what is dysfunctional so that I would have an excuse not to take the risk of getting others angry at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice my integrity and self-trust so that I wouldn't have to face aggression from others.

When and as I discuss with people, I commit myself to focus on asking them questions instead of telling them what to do.

I commit myself to investigate my patterns of interaction and discussion.

I commit myself to make a note of and explore the things I have labeled as “bad”, “wrong” or “immoral” within and as the realization that (at least a part of) the label is there to excuse me from going beyond my comfort zone.

I commit myself to discuss with plenty of people to give myself a chance to practice being honest within discussion.

Day 333: Sleeping patterns

12102013

Artist: Lucian Freud

During the past couple of months – ever since I returned from the trip I made during the summer – my sleeping rhythm and routine has regressed. When I first got back home I allowed myself to sleep as much as I wanted because I actually needed it: I was recovering from three months of constant environmental instability and physical strain. I made the mistake of allowing this to become a tendency. I've given myself permission to sleep 8 hours a night or more even though it's become clear to me that I don't nearly always need that much sleep. I've made it “impossible” to get myself out of bed when there's nothing forcing me to do because according to some excuse I “need” lots of sleep or “get to” sleep in, and then I end up spending the last two hours rolling around half-awake in a tormenting dream state. I feel tired and heavy when I get out of bed instead of being refreshed and rested.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not getting out of bed when I first wake up after 5-6 hours by thinking I need to sleep more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify sleeping in because the moment when I do come around after 5-6 hours of sleep doesn't “feel like” I have awoken, not realizing that I have defined “waking up” to mean that I feel fully alert yet heavy and disoriented, because this is how I feel like after 8+ hours of sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not remind myself in the moment where I come around after 5-6 hours of sleep that the tiredness I feel then dissipates when I get up and breathe myself back to this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I need to sleep 8 hours every night, not realizing that I have shown myself that this is not in fact true even though I may occasionally need 8 hours of sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to base this belief on my experiences from last year when I slept about 6 hours a night, worked 15-18 hours a day and ended up extremely worn out, not realizing that my weariness then was not caused by little sleep alone but also by the workload and stress I was under – and that I still survived with 6 hours of sleep a night.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not challenge this belief by setting my alarm to wake me up after about 6 hours, deciding to get up and seeing how my day turns out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to uphold my current sleeping pattern by always setting my alarm to wake me up after about 7-8 hours, not realizing that even 7 hours is often too much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I “get to” sleep a lot now that I don't have to go to work early every morning, not realizing that even though there is no one “demanding” for me to get up and do something, I would in fact have plenty of things to do if I did get up earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe an perceive that I have “the right” to sleep in because I've already “done so much”, not realizing that if this “right” makes my contribution to the world less and doesn't really serve my actual benefit either, it's not a “right” but an excuse to stick to my comfort zone and be less than who I am / could be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to skip morning lectures after a night shift because I have believed and perceived that I “need” to sleep a full 8 hours a night, not realizing that by doing this I disregard the opportunities the university offers me in the form of a lecture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to skip morning lectures as I have believed and perceived that by sleeping less than 8 hours I am not “fully alert” / “at my best” to learn anything during a lecture, not realizing that by thinking “I am not alert” I will cause myself to be more tired and less focused and will not even give myself a chance to try if I would in fact be able to learn something during a lecture despite the little sleep I've had.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a lecture is not “worth” getting up for, not realizing that a lecture is a rare chance learn socially and receive some mentoring, as most of my study time is independent and solitary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place my momentary comfort (sleeping in) above long-term benefits (learning).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my disorganized living into sleeping so that there would be a little less left of the chaos that awaits me outside the bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take this opportunity to create new supportive structures into my life (e.g. morning exercise) because it has been easier to just sleep and escape the question: what do I want my life to be?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the “chaos” my life is in and thus escape it into sleep, not realizing that I am able to harness this chaos and turn those opportunities into beneficial patterns, habits and structures that I will be happy to wake up to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear chaos and “freeze” within chaos, turning this panic reaction into anxiety which I then escape into entertainment (multimedia, sleep, food, socializing) – not realizing that I can in fact stop, breathe and ground myself into my own stability point and from that stance observe the chaos and create a structure to manage my life through.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up because there are many things I need and want to be doing but have no structure to doing them.

I commit myself to try out sleeping less a night by setting my alarm to wake me up in approximately 6 hours and doing either half a routine of yoga or a half-an-hour walk/run outside (or a little less if I am in a hurry) straight after waking up without having breakfast. (Exceptions allowed if I am sick.)

I commit myself to cut down on snacking before going to bed by rather drinking water/tea than eating.

I commit myself to show myself that fasting first thing in the morning / last thing in the evening actually supports my well-being as my body doesn't get overloaded with food.

I commit myself to make “to-do” -lists of the tasks I need to do and design/revise each morning how to get them done.

I commit myself to explore how to make studying a part of my daily routine and how to structure the reading that I have to do.

Day 332: Attraction, part 8 - refusal

 11102013

This post is a direct continuation to:

Day 328: Attraction, part 6 - intermission

Days 329-331: Attraction, part 7 - resentment

And a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

“The thing is, I fear getting too close to people whom I perceive to be “beggars” - looking for company out of dependency. These kinds of people I usually kindly turn away, and one of the guys from yesterday to me appears to be “one of them” - although I really can't say because I've only met him very briefly. I do not want to support anyone's addictions, and this is why I find this principle one that I will stick to, as long as I take care to not assume people to be what I believe them to be and to communicate myself properly to the other.”

I am now increasingly anxious about the person I am referring to here, because I agreed to meet him and simply the discussion on how we should meet has revealed some points about the both of us that I find worrying. For now I have been able to direct myself according to self-honesty, but it has required immense effort as I am not completely clear on where I stand and how to communicate that to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that rejecting a person based on nothing but my initial feeling of resentment only serves my self-interest and does not support the other to understand the real reasons behind my refusal, not to mention I neglect my own process while doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject another person based on my initial feeling of discomfort instead of refusing the proposal of another based on the incompatibility of our starting points at this point of time and space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for rejecting another person, not realizing that it serves the benefit of the both of us to not direct our time and effort on something that most likely will not “work out” (become a platform of actual support for the both of us AND consequently benefit the rest of the world as well) and that in such a case where this seems likely it is reasonable to let go and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have negative expectations about dating, not realizing that a meeting with a person doesn't have to be about “falling in love” (creating dependency) and “planning a future” (writing a story in one's head), but that it can in fact be utilized to map out the foundation each one's life stands on and to see if they would benefit each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider canceling a date because of the meeting place the other suggested, not realizing that instead of escaping possible conflict I can actually direct the situation by communicating why I do not think the meeting place is good for our meeting and suggesting something else. [This is what I did after a long-ass struggle with myself, lol, and it worked out well.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when/as/if I refuse to keep meeting this person it will create a “disturbance” in the social structure we interact in – that we would feel uncomfortable in each other's presence – not realizing that this can be avoided (or at least I can do my share of preventing such a situation) through self-honest communication where the “air is cleared” and no points are left to accumulate under the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to communicate myself properly in a situation that is loaded with expectations.

I commit myself to attend to this meeting from the starting point of mapping out the both of us.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to be clear with myself throughout the meeting by returning myself to breath and focusing on my breathing and grounding, thus slowing myself down, and by keeping track of any reactions/points that may occur during the meeting.

I commit myself to pay attention to my negative expectations (wanting to see the other in a negative light so that I would have an excuse to escape him) and to carry responsibility for them by ensuring that they are not the starting point for my actions and choices.

Days 329-331: Attraction, part 7 - resentment

This post is a direct continuation to:

Day 328: Attraction, part 6 - intermission

And a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

 07102013

“The thing is, I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's behind the resentment?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I am attracted towards a person I “should” approach him/her and that if I resent a person I “shouldn't” approach him/her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my feeling of attraction/resentment is a sign/proof/evidence of another person's compatibility/incompatibility with me, not realizing that what I feel within me is in no way directly connected to the qualities of another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that another person is responsible for my feeling of attraction/resentment, not realizing that I create the feeling whereas the other person only acts as a trigger to the patterns I live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify including in my life only those whom I feel comfortable with and excluding those whom I feel uncomfortable with, because I have believed and perceived that it is “natural” for people to be drawn towards some and pulled away from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by believing it is “natural” to like some and dislike others, I separate myself from this reality by refusing to include all kinds of people in “my world” - the subjective reality I create by piecing together my life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though it is very common for people to like some and dislike others, this is not how things ought to “naturally” be, as it creates rivalry, competition and separation and alienates people from the reality that withholds ALL kinds of people, not just the people that one finds pleasing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order for me to ever have a somewhat reliable and truthful view of the world, I need to interact with all kinds of people, because every single one needs to be considered when directing myself/the world towards a future that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the things I resent are outside of my comfort zone, which is an indicator of a lesson to be learned, an opportunity to expand my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace resentment as an opportunity for growth.

I am now thinking of a model of learning created by a russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky. He placed three circles inside each other and dubbed the innermost “Comfort Zone”, the second layer “Learning Zone”, and the third one “Panic Zone”. The point in the model is that when one is faced with suitably sized challenges, one will learn – and when the challenge is too big, learning becomes impossible. I am comparing my situation with this model and thinking whether or not these challenges are “too big” for me to handle and what kind of support I need to get through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent because I have focused on what I dislike about the person and used it as an excuse to stay within my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have reacted with fear to another person, to search for and focus on the “flaws” I find in the person and then use these “flaws” as an excuse to keep the person away from me – not realizing that I am actually running away from my fear, which I ignored in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and cover up the fear reaction that occurs in me when and as I create resentment towards another person.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I reacted with fear when X asked me out and that every thought I had about the situation from that point onwards was influenced by that fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent agreeing to go on a date with X because I believed my resentment to be founded on facts (who the other actually is), not realizing that my resentment is founded on excuses, assumptions and interpretations as I have only met the person a couple of times and thus cannot say that I have any real idea of who he actually is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that when X asked me out, my experience/thought was “oh fuck no, not him as well”, within that moment my perception of him collapsing and changing from neutral/friendly into one loaded with sex/relationshit/assumptions/fear/resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my attitude/approach to romantic interest that is fucked up, not the situation itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a person expressing their interest towards me with whatever means they have learned to be “appropriate” (i.e. asking me out for a date) is this person's self-expression and nothing personal towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened whenever someone expresses their interest towards me, feeling somehow obligated to not “hurt” them.

• A memory of couple dancing lessons from school (at the age of 13-14). We were told that if someone comes to ask you to dance, it is incredibly impolite to refuse. We were told that everyone should have that one dance, and after that it is OK to refuse to dance anymore. This felt suffocating to me because I imagined all the worst-case scenarios of having “creepy” and “disgusting” boys/men come over to me and me being obligated to dance with them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent dancing with people whom I have defined as “disgusting”, not realizing that my definition is based on the fear reaction I initially have towards these people, from which point onwards I search for their “flaws” and create resentment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the people I have defined as “disgusting” are not in fact disgusting but that my experience towards them is, and that therefore I cannot blame them for being disgusting but myself for creating that experience within myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the chance to face my own fears when and as I have been approached by people I have feared, resented and justified feeling disgusted towards.

--

08102013

I realize there are some words and terms that I am now reacting to. They are:

• date / dating (in finnish: treffit)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word “date” (“treffit”) to mean such an event where two people meet each other with expectations, hopes and wishes of romance, sex, intimacy, company and partnership, which makes them blind to what is actually HERE (who the people actually are) as everything within the meeting is filtered through the expectations, hopes and wishes – anticipation - making it impossible for the situation to end up in anything but disappointment or fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if I go on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone who has expectations, hopes and wishes about the situation, I don't have to position myself towards the situation in a similar manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I go onto a “date” (“treffit”) with expectations, hopes and wishes that are directed towards the other person, I am (indirectly) asking for the other to fulfill my desires, to feed my addiction, to be what I am not to myself – and that I am thus living as a beggar only caring about my self-interest and seeing the other as a “tool” to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a “date” (“treffit”) does not have to include expectations directed towards the other, and that instead I can go onto a date without expectations, with no desire, plan or a goal of what I would like to do with the person, and through getting to know the person create the interaction moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone whom I perceive and believe to be “begging” me for something (directing his/her expectations towards me) because I have felt like I am obligated to not “hurt” that person and that I am thus “powerless” in front of their desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that living according to a thought pattern where I cannot “hurt” the other by being honest and refusing to participate in their energy possessions, I make myself a victim of abuse. [This is how people get raped, for example.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “hurtful” experience of another is in fact created by the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry responsibility for “hurting people” when I have been honest and not participated in their romantic/lustful energy possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people getting disappointed because they might exert and blame their experience on me, and thus rather try and keep people from getting disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when another person reacts to their “energy train” hitting the wall and crumbling away, I am of most support to the person by keeping myself stable and NOT by giving into fear and trying to get their energy up and running again.

When and as I react with fear to another's disappointment (as expressed through anger, depression, spite etc.) - I stop, I breathe and I realize that the fear is a remnant of a thought pattern that is no longer functional. I realize that by giving into my fear and trying to “soften the blow” for the other I will only make the situation worse. I remind myself that by keeping myself stable and focusing on forgiving and releasing my own reaction I am of most support to the other as well as to myself. I focus on my breath and on my body, letting go of all tension that occurs. I allow the other to express their disappointment, and when/as/if they are done expressing themselves, I will move myself according to self-honesty.

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09102013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even the people I am overwhelmingly attracted to do in fact have “flaws” that I pick up - they are not perfect as opposed to those I resent – but that I am too busy with my experience of “falling in love” to pay attention to and define them according to these “flaws” YET.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that each and every person has lessons to offer me as there are points in every person I react to with fear. [In theory I guess it's possible that those points might run out eventually, at least with some individuals, at least for a while.]

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I look at these dates I have now agreed to attend I have expectations myself, and that even though they are not positive expectations but negative ones (fear, standing back, keeping a distance, being wary, expecting the worst, being in escape mode, keeping an emergency exit, “what if things go wrong”) they do in fact influence my positioning in the situation – they are the polarity of positive expectations and carry the exact same amount of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for having expectations towards a meeting when I have had expectations all the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand that others take care of their shit so that I wouldn't have to deal with mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that these dates will “not go well”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that these dates will “not go well” because then I'd have an excuse not to face the fears the other triggers in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that when I invite Y to my house he will try to take advantage of the situation, not realizing that I base this expectation on who I believe him to be – the two-dimensional paper doll labeled “Y” I have painted within my mind – and not on who he actually is because I don't really know him all that much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter my perception of Y through the initial fear he triggered in me through some romantic gesture some weeks ago, thus ignoring all the “signs” that tell me he might as well be a decent person that I can trust to not be an abusive asshole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused, not realizing that I accept and allow abuse to happen throughout the interaction that leads up to the act of abuse by making myself less than who I am.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” because I have perceived and believed them to be a sign of the other having expectations, hopes and wishes towards me, not realizing that no matter the other's intentions these “romantic gestures” are only “romantic” if I believe them to be, and that in essence they are just actions: giving a “romantic gift” is just giving a gift, a “kiss on the hand” is just a kiss on a body part, “sweet-talking” is just giving a compliment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” just as I reacted to X's dating proposal: with my stance collapsing from neutral/friendly into negative expectations, “oh fuck he wants something from me”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if another person wants something from me I am somehow responsible for it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be burdened by other people's desires, not realizing that even if the desires are directed towards me I am still not connected to those desires – I am just the trigger for who the other one is as behavioral and mental patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “romantic gestures” are the self-expression of another, which is nothing personal towards me (even if the other personifies their feelings with their image of me) and that I do not have to participate in them in any way whatsoever if I so choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a “romantic gesture” as a sign of “who I need to / am expected to be” and not as an indicator of who the other one is.

I commit myself to participate in these dates aware of my own movements, not blaming my reactions on the other but bringing them back to myself.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stand clear within these meetings by focusing on my breath and taking note of any and all reactions that may occur.

I commit myself to expect others to be no less than the best they can be.