22022014
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| Are guidelines like this actually used somewhere? |
This post is a continuation to:
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get disappointed in myself when I didn't get a
“good grade”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect myself to get a “good grade” because
I associated the way I had worked for the assignment (long hours,
lots of work, enthusiasm, self-expansion) with situations where I
have previously done the same in school and almost always been
“rewarded” for it with a “good grade”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that basic schooling and university
are different by principle (public vs. private interest), and that I
cannot thus expect the same kind of approach on pedagogy and
learning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect university to be “fair” as I
experienced my basic schooling (primary & high school), not
realizing that even though basic schooling seemed “fair” and
“rewarding” to me, it certainly wasn't that for everyone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that during my
basic schooling I was one of the few privileged kids who had the
skills and assets the school system seeks and rewards, and that the
fact that I was well-off didn't mean that I worked hard and the
others were simply lazy: it was often the exact opposite.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all
throughout my life I have been blind to the discriminating nature of
the school system because I was one of those who got rewarded within
it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get angry at “the world” when I didn't get
a “good grade”, as I had expected myself to get one.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to demand that “the world” gives me “good
grades”, as if it owes me recognition, as I have in school learned
that hard work will be rewarded externally through praise and that I
do not need to show myself acceptance – or that self-acceptance is
not “enough”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that within the school system I
have learned to be reliant on external validation, as I got addicted
to the “feelgood” (elevation, pride, high status, acceptance,
ego) I got whenever I was rewarded with praise or “good grades”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though the school system
itself is partially responsible for abusing young people, I am
responsible for unlearning this addiction because nobody else can do
it for me; I may have learned it while I was an incapable child, but
I've continued to reinforce it during my adult years.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when I demand “the world”
to give me recognition, it's as if I'm demanding for my “fix”:
“I've earned my heroin, give it to me goddammit!”
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define “good grades” as those above a
specified average (for example: above 8 on the scale 4-10; above 3 on
the scale 0-5), as this is how the school system has defined the
division between “good”, “average” and “bad”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that a “good grade” means that I
have done well and that I am somehow exceptional, not realizing that
the measures of “goodness” in school are arbitrary and have
nothing to do with the value of the person in question, but are in
fact there just to pinpoint and select certain kinds of individuals
for specific tasks, jobs and career paths in the society.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect that the evaluation system in university
works like the evaluation system I had during my basic schooling, not
realizing that whereas basic education is based on the principle of
supporting individual growth through encouragement (with the
exception of individual teachers), university is based on producing
uniform professionals through strict assessment (with the exception
of individual teachers).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect support and encouragement from
university evaluation as this is what I have gotten used to during my
basic schooling, not realizing that this expectation is unrealistic
as the world of university is at the moment not about learning for
the sake of learning but learning for the sake of winning –
learning for self instead of learning for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect anyone at university to give a rat's ass
about my individual experience of growth, not realizing that apart
from the faculty of education this expectation is in fact
unrealistic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame my teacher for wording the assignment
unclearly, not realizing that I am responsible for assuming that I
understood the assignment, and that in the “game of university” I
need to read the assignments like the “devil reads the bible” and
ask dumbed-down questions until nothing about the assignment remains
unclear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to channel my frustration for “the world”
towards my teacher in aggressive thoughts and words, accusations and
belittling.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resent the feedback I have received at
university, not realizing that by resenting it I incapacitate myself
from learning anything from it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that once I stop taking the
university feedback personally – reacting with anger, resentment,
irritation, frustration / excitement, pride, joy, glee – I can
actually learn the rules of “the game” from it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to accumulate my self-disappointment (“I failed”
= “I suck at studying”) to a point where I lose all motivation
to do my studies.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to give up on studying the instant when the
external feedback doesn't validate my personal experience (enjoyment
in studying).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to belittle my personal experience of enjoying
studying when I didn't get rewarded for it, thinking “what's it
worth when it gets me nothing”, thus ignoring the self-expansion
that happens when I study.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget that studying itself is not about the
credentials I get from it but about self-expansion – learning and
growing – and that even though the credentials may be important in
“the game of life”, they lose their importance the second when
this imaginary world construct collapses, thus leaving only personal
assets practically valuable.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that I won't “make it” in the “game
of life”, thus reacting whenever my grades aren't as good as I
expect them to be as I see them as a gateway to success in “the
game”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to lose my sight of the “big picture” -
studying for self-expansion and for life, and playing “the game”
on the side if possible – thus losing my motivation for studying
when my short-term goals aren't met.
When and as I feel resentment towards
my studies, wanting to escape them into some other activities – I
stop, I breathe and I remind myself that in order to expand I am
going to have to walk through my discomfort zone. I remind myself
that I am studying for LIFE – for understanding of what the world
is, how it works and how life could be improved for all – and I
support myself to look for what there is to learn for me in
the study assignment at hand. I focus on what I find interesting and
what there is to learn and thus make working on the assignment
enjoyable for myself. I commit myself to support and assist myself by
breathing through the moments of discomfort, moving myself one step
at a time.
I commit myself to teach myself to
focus on learning instead of focusing on grades.
When and as I feel good after
completing a study assignment, I commit myself to stop, breathe and
look for any signs of expecting to get a “good grade”. I examine
myself within the moment and utilize self-forgiveness to let go
expectations, assumptions and definitions relating to the “good
student” persona. I remind myself that the completion of a task is
enjoyable in itself as it brings me satisfaction as a creator and
expansion through application.
I commit myself to teach myself to stop
taking grades (and other evaluation) personally, be it in a positive
or a negative sense, “fair” or “unfair”.
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