24092013
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| A piece of a graffiti mural in Melbourne. |
Today I had a really cool session with
the children in my theatre course. With “cool” I don't mean that
everything went perfectly, but that I learned overflowingly much from
it; a shitload of new aspects of where these children stand, what I
can teach them and ideas on how to do it emerged. The whole meeting
began with things not going as I had planned at all, and showing
myself that I can manage an unplanned situation with 15 kids was
really, really necessary. I'm starting to grow trust in myself.
Another thing with today's meeting was
that I realized that a learning process comes with confusion.
Immediately afterwards I was anxious for a while because I was
feeling uncertain about the session, questioning myself, fearful that
I had “failed”, paranoid even. When I stopped to go through what
had actually happened – which I need to do really slowly, because
an hour-and-a-half session is like a fireworks of new points, lessons
to be learned flying at me like a flurry of bullets – I realized
that I was uncertain because compared to our earlier meetings this
one wasn't “as good” - it wasn't as clear, as exemplary, as
structured – and this made me anxious because I hadn't met my
standards. I then realized that compared to the previous sessions I
had actually learned much more today. To quote what I wrote after the
session:
“But that's the thing with teaching:
the group makes the course. I can't teach a group what they resist –
I can teach them what they're willing to take in. I cannot know in
advance what this course will be. I have to allow myself confusion,
lessons like this when things don't go like I planned, because that's
when new points are revealed, new conflicts arise – new lessons to
be learned expose themselves.”
It's just a matter of me probing around
to see what the group would be ready to learn, what kind of a
challenge would be right for them. OH MAN, I am so so SO enjoying
this whole thing. Kids are awesome company!
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get frustrated at myself for being confused,
not seeing, realizing and understanding that confusion is a part of
the process of learning.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define “confusion” / “not knowing what to
do” as “failure” when in a position of “leadership”,
believing and perceiving that a “leader” should always know the
best solution / the right answer because as a child I didn't know how
this world works and trusted authority figures to know what to do,
thus perceiving them to be omniscient, all-knowing, and not capable
of failure.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to set myself an impossible standard of “never
failing” when in a position of “leadership” - never showing my
“weaknesses” - not realizing that it is human to make mistakes
because none of us can ever learn every single thing there is to know
about this life; the human capacity is limited to one body, one brain
and one lifetime.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that it is actually good to show
children that I, too, make mistakes, don't always know what to do,
get confused and make the wrong choices, because this will teach them
that authorities are not all-knowing or all-capable but are in fact
just PEOPLE one with and equal to the children themselves, and that
they are “authorities” simply because they have happened to be
born a bit earlier.
I commit myself to continue exploring
teaching, leadership and directing with this group of children. (Man,
am I glad to have an opportunity like this!)
I commit myself to prepare the sessions
a day or two before, keeping in mind the requirements of the space we
rehearse in and the rehearsals that we do.
I commit myself to after each session
during the same day to go through what happened – with someone if
possible, to provide feedback and perspective – and to plan the
next session according to what worked out and what didn't.
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