Day 264: Releasing the chains

26062013

A day of private writing. Expansion on the topics will undoubtedly follow eventually.

Day 263: Travel stress

24062013

Go see all the cool things! Through a camera lens!

In the past couple of days I have been dealing with a new kind of a stress factor. I have been staying in the house of a man who is a really active traveller himself, and him giving me all these travel tips triggered some kind of a travel stress in me. There are thoughts telling me I should be doing a lot of things, I should be moving all the time, I should be making sure I squeeze out all the experiences I can from the time that I've got – and at first I moved according to this. Then when it was no longer possible for me to be tirelessly active all the time and I stopped doing so, I started having pains. The thoughts were still there, now with blame, telling me I SHOULD be doing things, really, I SHOULD! And my neck and shoulders have been reacting in similar ways as within work stress, getting unusually jammed and tense and causing me massive headaches – and I have been resistant to give myself rest because it has felt like “a waste of time”. Now that the owner of the house is back and there is another couchsurfer here with me I notice them causing me more stress, because now that I am no longer alone I have someone to “report to” - as if they were watching me, assessing my way of traveling, judging me if I'm not as active as they would be. Essentially I am judging myself as I have set myself an ideal of an “active traveler” and constantly resent myself when I'm not living up to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a “traveler ideal” for myself based on what I have seen others do, not realizing that I am basing a goal for living, a principle, on what others appear to be with no knowledge of what their inner experience is – in other words, what their motivation to be “active travelers” is and how they actually fuel their actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel stressed about not reaching up to the level of those around me, fearing that I will be seen as a “lousy traveler” - as less than others – and that I will be judged according to what others see of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “active traveling” to be “the right way” of traveling – that which I “should be” doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “inactive traveling” to be “the wrong way” of traveling – that which I “should not be” doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “the right way of traveling” to consist of being in movement from morning until evening, reaching for new experiences, going to exciting places, exploring all possible activities, socializing with all the people you meet, sleeping as little as possible to maximize your waking hours – not realizing that this ideal is simply not possible to live according to as the physical capacity of a human being is limited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself an ideal that is impossible to live up to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not living up to my traveling ideal, not realizing that it is such that no one could do without self-compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “the wrong way of traveling” to consist of not utilizing the possibilities of your travel environment as effectively as possible by taking time to rest, relax, not be in a hurry and focus on one thing at a time, and not planning your next move constantly to make sure you don't waste any time – not realizing that I have demonized all the things necessary for a human being to function properly and to actually take in one's environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about my day not going “according to plan”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of failure whenever I consider resting, not doing anything “special” or stopping to enjoy something, and whenever I find myself in a situation where I have not planned what to do – not realizing that I limit myself from actually living the moment that I have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of resting as “failure”, not realizing that if my body is in need of rest it is advisable to do so for the sake of my own well-being, my well-being actually being a kind of “success” in itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of stopping to enjoy something as “failure”, not realizing that stopping is necessary for me to actually experience and explore the moment I am living, and that without stopping I am never really HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of not running after new exciting experiences as “failure” with the reasoning that I am thus “wasting” the opportunities of my traveling - not realizing that even though I am currently traveling and spending a lot of resources on doing so I am still the same kind of a physical being in a physical environment as I was back home, and that no matter where I am on Earth I will always be living within this one single NOW-moment of breath, and that this moment will always contain varying opportunities and possibilities, and that I need to choose which possibilities to seize according to what is best for ALL, this including my own well-being – and that thus there is no such thing as “failure”, there are simply different kinds of choices that serve different kinds of purposes and bring out different outcomes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive traveling to be about “special experiences”, not realizing that all experiences are of the same value when experienced within and as the physical instead of enhancing and diminishing them through the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify traveling being about “special experiences” because I am spending a lot of money on traveling, thinking that I have to get my money's worth out of this trip – not realizing that I am motivated by fear because money is something that is scarce and valuable and because I worked a lot for a long period of time to have enough money to do this trip, and that I am now afraid that all that effort will have been in vain if my experience is not “big enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress because of money.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that money at the moment being the “unavoidable evil” I have got to learn how to live with it, which means that I cannot continue to see myself as “less powerful” than money because money is a man-made agreement which I, as a part of the human race, can in fact influence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about spending money on traveling because I have been afraid of my own survival before, during and after the trip.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear every time I spend money as I fear that I am making “the wrong choice” and digging my own grave. *[An interesting point to elaborate on – the moment of giving away money and the reactions within it.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all the while I travel I am not in a different reality where life would be about chasing after “special experiences”, as this is not the case in my “normal life” either. *[The term “normal life” needs more investigation, “normal” here being stagnation as opposed to “traveling” which is movement.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about making the most out of my life because I fear that when I die it will not have been the “best it could have been”, not realizing that there are no such things as “the best life” or “the worst life” - there are just different kinds of lives, all with equal value, and a myriad of factors that contribute to what the “life story” and the lived life experience become.

I commit myself to support myself to live each moment from the starting point of breath by returning myself to breath and thus to myself whenever I notice myself not breathing.

When and as I see myself thinking “I should be [doing something]” OR experiencing it in my flesh as tension around my neck and shoulder area - I stop, I breathe and I realize that the use of this word and/or the according experience in flesh is/are a sign that I am pushing myself towards an impossible ideal. I ask myself what it is that I fear and what it is I am trying to be/become. As I reveal my hidden fears and desires to myself I release them in breath within and as the realization that there is nothing I “should be” doing, ever, and that there are simply possibilities and choices between them. I commit myself to reconsider the activities at hand from within myself and as myself while taking my entire physical existence into consideration.

I commit myself to take care of myself by giving myself enough rest, thus showing myself mercy instead of cruelty.

When and as I see myself planning my trip (or my life) ahead by any amount of time, hours, days, weeks or months – I stop, I breathe and I realize that by doing this I am escaping and abusing the present moment. I ask myself whether it is actually necessary to plan what I was planning, and if not, I ask myself why I was planning what I was planning. I ask myself what I fear and what I desire and how these plans would serve them – how would I avoid what I fear with this plan? How would I reach what I desire with this plan? As I bring these hidden motives to surface I release them in breath. I commit myself to give myself the time I need to bring myself back to stability and back to breath before I continue with what I was doing.

Days 261-262: Pushing myself to be social

20-22062013

Today I realized that the awareness of the possibilities of the situation I am in does not mean that I'd have to seize each and every one of them. I have lately felt that I am somehow supposed to be socializing all the time with the people I come across and so I have been feeling guilty if I haven't, pushing myself more and more to open up next time.

I have been pretty worn out for the past few days because of health conditions and haven't felt like doing much simply because there isn't much I could do in these circumstances. Today I took a boat trip to a neighboring island and sat at the rear enjoying the ride with a few people sitting close by. Because I was at a talking distance to the others I felt like I “should be” talking to others, taking the opportunity now that there were people around me. But I was worn out, I just wanted to bask in the scarce sunlight and enjoy the sea, I didn't really want to talk to anyone. So I had another look at my situation. I made myself aware of all the opportunities present: I could talk to person A; I could talk to persons B and C; I could change my position to talk to the people inside the hull; I could focus on the activity at hand (riding a boat); I could focus on the environment (the sea); I could focus on my sensations. Once I had made myself aware of all these possibilities that I saw to be present, I realized that I was not obligated to choose the social dimension, and that the social dimension was just one of the dimensions present. I then made a decision to exclude the social dimension (for the time being) and take advantage of the possibilities of the physical environment – and so I had a very enjoyable boat ride during which I focused on myself, physical sensations and movement. It was an experience that was not social, but that doesn't make it any less valuable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to be social.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in order to make a moment worthwhile I need to utilize its social dimension, not realizing that the social dimension is just one dimension of an experience and NOT more valuable, meaningful or worthwhile than all the other dimensions of an experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a belief that the social dimension is more important than the other dimensions of an experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drive myself to be social out of fear of missing out on something valuable/meaningful/worthwhile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear missing out on socializing because as a child when I was bullied by being excluded from my group of friends I defined socializing as something “inaccessible” and “valuable” that I craved for and felt wronged for being denied access to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will be excluded from the social dimension of an experience and that I will be helpless to do anything about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to prevent being excluded from socializing by initiating contact with others before they turn against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear social situations because I fear that people will group up against me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to situations where there are people around me being social because I perceive their bonding to be something that excludes me from socializing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exclude myself from being social by perceiving and believing the bonding of others to be an act that excludes me when in fact this exclusion only exists as long as I believe in it and submit to it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear approaching people who are socializing with each other because I believe I will be excluded as a punishment for intervening with their “special moment”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe socializing to be a “special moment” between selected parties which no one else should interrupt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a social situation comprises of all those physically present, not just those who have directly addressed/recognized each other, and that in a social situation all movement and interaction is “allowed” and all limitations are imagined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I do not participate in socializing early enough others will define each other as “a group” and me as “an outsider”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach people out of the fear of being left outside of a group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the concept of a “group” that forms as a consequence of social bonding is in fact imaginary as it draws boundaries and lines that do not exist in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the concept of forming a “group” through social bonding at its core supports inequality because it inherently excludes some people and “permits entry” to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being seen as an outsider because I have experienced myself to have been limited through this definition.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to be social even though I have not asked myself why I resist being social – why there needs to be pushing in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to force myself to socialize without being aware of why I'm doing it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to socialize because I have tried to achieve an ideal where I would not be “an outsider”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal scenario where everybody would like me because I have feared the opposite of being liked, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I can only achieve this by being social with everyone - by presenting a likable appearance of myself to others before others conjure their own opinion of me without my participation.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will form an unfair and untrue opinion of me based on what they perceive me to be without giving me a chance to show who I am - not realizing that by living within and as this fear and acting according to it (by either isolating myself or pushing myself to socialize) I am in fact showing myself as my fears and insecurities through my actions.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I become "an outsider" (not participating in a group) I may have contributed to this outcome in some way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to push myself to socialize because I have thought that “I should socialize” without asking myself why and without being aware of the search for the ideal that drives me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have (often) motivated myself to socialize through fear of being left outside the group and becoming “the outsider”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty if I “miss” an opportunity to be social and blame myself for “failing” - not realizing that setting myself impossible standards and punishing myself for not achieving them is deliberate self-sabotage.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to react to my friends excluding me from the group by creating a dramatic mind-image of the situation where all others had turned their backs on me and I was standing alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at this mind-image and feel ashamed for being the lonely one as I had defined [being in a group] a “good thing” and [being outside a group] a “bad thing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe this definition I have learned as a child and live according to it unaware during my adult years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define being alone as a negative thing and to give it a negatively charged name (“being the outsider”) when in fact being alone is a state of equal value to being in a group, and that the only difference between them is the different set of possibilities they offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to define [being in a group] a positive thing because being with my friends allowed me to enjoy the social dimension of life in a safe, familiar and comfortable way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to react with fear when my friends excluded me from the group because I had never socialized outside of that safe, familiar and comfortable setting and lacked the mental tools (self-confidence and courage) to find social fulfillment by actively creating myself new circumstances to do that in (i.e. by finding new friends).

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I have also gone to the other extreme and isolated myself from people into solitude out of spite. This, however, is a whole subject of its own and I will not write about it this time around.

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When and as I see myself reacting with fear to seeing other people socializing with each other – I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am not excluded from the social situation because I am in the same physical space with the other people and thus have every opportunity to join into the socializing. I realize that my perception of the situation is not in accordance with the physical reality, and thus I focus on breathing, return my awareness to my physical body and, once I stand as my physical body, I move my focus to the space around me in order to become aware of the possibilities of the circumstances I am in.

When and as I see myself thinking “I should be socializing” or asking myself “should I be more social?” - I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that there is nothing I “should be” doing ever anywhere, and that the use of this word indicates judgement towards who I am in that moment. I realize that if the situation allows I have the opportunity to be social, yet not the obligation to. I breathe and return my awareness to myself as a physical being within a space and I assess my opportunities within that space. I take note of any signs of resistance towards socializing and dissolve them with self-forgiveness and breathing. If this does not help, I make a commitment to open up the point in writing. Otherwise I proceed to making a self-honest decision about whether or not I will take the opportunity to socialize.

I commit myself to investigate the process of “bonding” while forming a group within and as the realization that forming a “special” bond to one being automatically excludes all others and sets one to a higher position in contrast to others, and that the process of “bonding” thus creates and upholds inequality.

I commit myself to NOT participate in group activities in such ways that would exclude those currently outside the group, for example by restricting the possibility of others to join in to the group activity.

Days 259-260: Falling from the present

18-19062013

Head full of thoughts. (a graffiti in Seoul)

I have been unable to sleep for a few nights and I am seeing its effect on my health, because I have been catching a cold and not getting sleep is making it worse. The reason I have not been sleeping is because I have had too many thoughts running through my mind. At the moment I have a lot of new things to process, and they hold many insecurity factors that make it impossible for me to lay them aside when there is nothing I can do about them but wait. I have today been writing them out in order to see what's going on and to thus stop them from running around rampantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted from the reality around me with thoughts concerning the past and the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my grip on what is here right now at hand by giving permission to my thoughts to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my thoughts about the past and the future more than what is here right now in actual reality as I have not realized that the past and the future are both created in this very moment of breath, and that by clinging onto moments that are not here (yet/anymore) I ignore, misuse and degrade the one and only present-moment that I have got.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every time I lose myself into thoughts I also fall out of breath and thus lock my entire body into a state of tension, rigidness and stagnation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the extent of the physical damage I do onto myself when and as I accept and allow myself to be directed by my thoughts into a physical state of tension.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have been lost in my thoughts and ignoring the present moment, to not be aware of the possibilities each and every present moment offers me in terms of activities, socializing and physical location.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so concerned/exited/agitated about the life I have lived so far and the life that I am going to live in the future that I have forgotten that what actually matters is how I live my present moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the company of people when and as I have been preoccupied by thoughts of the past and the future and to justify this by thinking “I don't always have to be social” - not realizing that my resentment of company is a way for me to escape the present moment / physical reality into imagined mind-realities of the past and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my physical reality into my imagination in the form of past memories and future scenarios.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that me pulling away from social interaction - which is normally an effortless and enjoyable activity - is a sign of a malfunction which should be addressed for the sake of my own well-being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify ignoring the signs of my malfunction by thinking “I don't always have to be social”, not realizing that I here give directive power and value to fickle feelings that do not have any clear reason other than “just because I feel like it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by a feeling, not realizing that feelings are always temporary and fade eventually and that thus they cannot be a valid building block in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every action and inaction builds who I am, and that every time I accept and allow a feeling to direct me into action/inaction I build myself to live out moodiness and unreliability and direct myself further away from stability – and that the results of this process of building will take double the time to take apart and reconstruct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in escapism and to thus lose my power to direct myself, my actions and my life.

I am starting to see what may have happened while I've been traveling and why I for example had trouble writing at one point – I saw it then already but wouldn't admit it. I will open up the point further in private and share what I find later on.

I commit myself to continue practicing my breathing in order to bring myself back to balance and stability within and as the realization that once I have fallen from self-aware breathing it will require conscious efforts and pushing to bring me back to that state of physical presence.

I commit myself to write down into my notebook the thoughts running around in my mind in order to pin them down, open them up in writing and to direct them instead of having them direct me – putting myself back “in the wheel”.

I commit myself to write down a clear plan on what I can do to prepare for things in my future and to get those things done as soon as possible – and I commit myself to set aside all the things I have no influence over at the moment within and as the realization that worrying about them is a waste of time and an act of abuse on this one and only now-moment.

Day 258: Passion is not magic

17062013

Recently I have been thinking about passion. I have been accepted to university to study a subject I am not passionate about in the same way I have been passionate about other things so far, and this lack of “fire in my soul” makes me question the whole concept of motivation and what has been driving me forward so far.

In the past few years as I have been mainly working and having arts as a hobby, trying to get into art schools but never succeeding. I have met a lot of people in my working environments that have either told me or shown me they have a passion for nothing, and many of them have told me (with a tone I have interpreted to be sadness, bitterness and/or powerlessness) that I am lucky to be passionate about something. I have usually been unable to reply to such words, because all I have seen are people who are unwilling to find their passion. Recently I have come to realize that these people alone cannot be blamed for their lack of motivation for anything but survival and escapism, because the society itself determinedly passivates people from the moment of birth onwards and offers no assistance to overcome this.

Yet I have to question the whole concept of passion. When I am doing something that I have “a passion” for, I usually work with intense focus, I learn fast and I forget all else – I exist for that moment of action, whatever it may be, and I forget to eat, drink, rest – and I usually do not even have a need for any of this. I have experienced this with drawing, painting, making music, dance, stagework with other people, contact improvisation (including sex), baking, hiking, walking around, reading, studying, exploring my surroundings, having a conversation – a lot of things. I could basically have a passion for anything, even breathing, or eating, or drinking. I mean, if I can have a passion for moving my body aimlessly simply because I enjoy the movement, why not for anything at all?

So maybe “passion” is something to be found when you're at the core of an action, when you have a “reason” for it – which is to live, to realize your existence in this moment, in this reality. When I apply this to my motivation to study, I can see that I study because I realize my possibilities in this web of relationships we call “society” or “the world” or “the system”. I enjoy studying things that I see to have relevance. I enjoy applying the information that I absorb. I do not know how I will apply the information I am going to absorb in the future as my studies progress, because how I will apply it is dependent on what the information is – lol – so I cannot plan it, I'm going to have to create my future as I go. And that's alright.

So, yeah. In studying I am living according to my passion for learning, and I have some idea of how to specify my studies based on the fields that interest me. But this pathway didn't offer itself to me. I had to dig it up and choose it among a mass of options, all appearing just as uncertain to me. Somehow I think that the people who lack passion for things believe that this magical feeling of knowing what to do and why will just be gifted “from the above”, like enlightenment of some sorts. But this is not the case. If you have never seen a book, how would you know that you have a passion for reading? If you have never sat on a bike, how would you know you have a passion for riding a bike? How would you ever figure any of this out if you didn't explore the world, everything that there is in it, given that you have the opportunity for it?

As a child grows it integrates fast into whatever the world is shown to be, and if not given the mental tools to question this, if what one has experienced during one's childhood and adolescence is not fulfilling one might end up believing that the world is unfulfilling – when in fact it is one's experience of one's life so far that is unfulfilling and not the world itself. So people get stuck with the environments they have been born and raised in, with the activities they are familiar with, because they have not been taught to seek passion, to work for it. I was lucky enough to be gifted with a lot of opportunities to explore different activities as a child, and for this I am grateful to my family – but a lot of things I have discovered on my own as an adult, simply by grasping a point of slight interest and expanding on it through independent exploration. And these points of interest have grown into passion the more and more I have learned about them and invested myself into them.

So what I'm saying is that the belief that one ought to have a passionate feeling about something in order to act at all is a fallacy. If I'd keep on expecting a “holy spirit” to take over and direct me for myself, I would get nowhere, I would be standing still and waiting around for the rest of my life. Passion is not a heavenly wind that will magically make your life better – it is you moving yourself towards/within something you are drawn to. Passion is self-motivated action.

Day 257: Exploring physical discomfort - wetness

16062013

Today I have been walking further the point of physical discomfort which I started opening up in yesterday's post. It has been pouring down rain all day, and because I didn't want to spend the entire day indoors I decided to face the rough weather and went out. I got soaked in the rain quite fast and I made a decision to support myself in these conditions by buying myself a pair of gumboots – god darnit did I love myself for this decision, lol, because the boots just brought me so much comfort and protection. I really don't want to get sick while I travel, so this was a good move in that sense.

As I was walking down towards the harbor I started to realize that I am just not going to stay dry in any way in this weather, and that I could just let go of even attempting to do so and say “screw it! bring it on!” and embrace the weather for what it was. I have a dry (yet filthy) hostel to return to, so I will not die even if I let myself get wet right now. And so I stopped to breathe for a while and realized how much I enjoy the feeling of raindrops pummeling my face, water flowing down from my forehead through my eyelashes to my cheeks, water everywhere, in my eyes and mouth, dripping down, caressing. The texture of wet cloth is still something I do not really enjoy (but a sensation I could explore), but man, water on skin feels awesome, and while walking around trying to protect myself from it I ignored it completely.

When I had stopped to embrace the sensation of rain, I also realized that the wind was huge and strong and that I would actually enjoy just standing within the wind – and that it wasn't that cold at all, it was a warm wind that would not make me sick. So because of a fear of going beyond my comfort zone I was about to ignore all the small pleasantries within my circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the sensation of wet cloth on my skin because I find it uncomfortable and have defined it a sign of conditions that will make me physically sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and resent the sensation of wet shoes on my feet because I have defined it a sign of conditions that will make me physically sick and thus find it uncomfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop and actually feel the water flowing on my feet and in-between my toes to realize that the sensation itself is not uncomfortable but the associations I get from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my shoes getting soaked by thinking “fuck!” as I was attempting to keep my feet dry despite the weather conditions in which it was impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I went out, to not consider the weather conditions realistically in order to see that I would not be able to avoid getting my feet wet and instead hold onto the belief that if I try really hard I would be able to avoid this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get disappointed when I got my feet wet because I had kept up an irrational wish of not getting my feet wet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and keep myself dry with measures that weren't enough to do that and then feel uncomfortable and fearful when my measures failed me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and escape the weather conditions instead of embracing them because I had defined them as something that needs to be avoided or else I'll get sick.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by following my definitions of things instead of stopping to see and experience what things are actually like I miss out on life itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my definitions of things are not the equivalent of the actual reality of things, and that to believe my definitions over actually exploring the world is to live in a self-created fantasy world and to confine myself into my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the weather conditions I have defined to be “uncomfortable”, “impractical” and “dangerous” and to not consider the situation and circumstances at hand to see what's actually going on – for example, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the weather is warm enough to not make the rainy conditions dangerous for my health, and that because I have a living space to return to any time I want I am not at the mercy of the weather conditions, and that because of these facts the weather is not dangerous – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the weather here is impractical because the rain makes me wet which I experience to be uncomfortable, not realizing that my experience of discomfort is not necessary by any measure. Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the enjoyable experience of being within these extreme weather conditions with my fears and imagination.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the sensation of wet cloth against my skin, not realizing that wet cloth is just water and fibre, both textures that I recognize, and that it is not these textures that I am escaping but my own skin.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid putting myself in circumstances in which the sensations of my body are beyond my current comfort zone by always keeping myself within circumstances where my bodily sensations are “comfortable” - not realizing that while I do this I limit myself extensively as I deny a whole world of possibilities simply because of how my body would feel.

When and as I feel discomfort while wearing wet clothing, I stop, I breathe and I bring my awareness to all of my body, back and front, right and left, up and down, focusing on my toes and fingers. I explore the sensations in my body as caused by the wet cloth/material. After this I make an assessment of the conditions I am in to see whether it is advisable to do something about it or if it is possible to stay and embrace the situation to push the borders of my comfort zone further through practice and exposement.

I commit myself to live out self-care by wearing my gumboots in wet conditions to ensure myself physical wellbeing through avoiding conditions that would get me sick as I see, realize and understand through practical trial and error that wet feet get a person sick faster than any other body part.

I commit myself to embrace the weather I am in and to through this become aware of the definitions I have assigned to different weather conditions in order to investigate whether these definitions are in accordance to actual reality or not.

I commit myself to stop separating myself from the physical reality I live in by investigating the definitions I have assigned to different aspects of nature, weather and the touch sensation.

Day 256: Inability to adjust to changes in environment

15062013

Seoul

I have arrived to Auckland, New Zealand this morning and I am extremely uncomfortable here. The hostel feels too big and very dirty, the town seems messy, filthy and very unsafe. I will now write about my experience to figure out how much of this is my self-induced paranoia and how much is actual concern.

I have been warned about NZ and Australia all the while I have been traveling South-Korea and Japan, which are exceptionally safe countries on a global scale. I have been told that in NZ and AUS everyone will try to rob me and take advantage of me, and that people are unfriendly and malicious. On some unconscious level I have believed everything I have been told unquestioned, without placing these claims into proper context, and thus created huge prejudice resulting in fear and suspicion.

When I arrived here this morning I noticed that my attitude towards strangers had changed from what it was in Japan. I was fearful of everyone around me. I was very watchful of my belongings. I didn't want to take any unnecessary risks and leave my bag for even two seconds. This got challenged at the hostel I am staying at, because when I asked for a locker for my valuable belongings, they told me that they only had ones that cost extra and that this hostel is so safe that I would most likely not even need one. So I chose not to get a locker even though I don't really trust this environment.

Another thing here that I reacted to is the filthiness. Japan and Finland are very clean countries by many standards, and so coming here feels like I've stepped into a ghetto – something I did not expect at all from the country's largest city. It is difficult for me to feel comfortable in a place where the streets are not clean and where the floors are so dirty I have to wear shoes even indoors, like I was constantly protecting myself from something. I am used to things being clean, and now that they are not and I have to go through extra effort to maintain my basic hygiene I feel like I can't relax anywhere. My discomfort cannot be blamed on my environment, though: it is what it is and I can do my part to make it a better environment, but it is not going to become any different just because I dislike it. This is what the physical circumstances are and here's what I can do about it.

I have also refrained from taking too much contact to other travelers in this hostel, although I have noticed than when I have done so my discomfort has dissolved a bit. By recognizing the existence of these fluctuating particles in my environment I make them less uncomfortable, less alien, less distant – even if it was through just a small moment of contact.

The thing is, this place is probably just about as dangerous as my hometown: there's always something suspicious going on and if you happen to be at the wrong place at the wrong time you might get dragged in, especially as a woman. But that's no reason to lock oneself indoors, because the “bad guys” out on the streets are people as well, and people can be dealt with unless the circumstances are so extreme that the other is so possessed that (s)he's “out of hands”. I will not go and beg for trouble, but I will not accept and allow myself to live limited by fear either. If I need something from the convenience store down the street, I have to be able to go and get it (because other people here seem to have no trouble doing so despite the dodginess).

So this is an issue of lack of self-trust and of a distorted view on my fellow human beings. Also stuff to do with my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the claims and generalizations others have made about certain nationalities without question because I have wanted to put down one culture to elevate the one I have been within to make it feel better, not realizing that this mindset will bear its consequences when I will eventually have to walk among the nationalities/countries that I have been putting down before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the people living in New Zealand and Australia are unfriendly, malicious and abusive and to expect such behavior from them, thus living within and as a state of constant fear and anticipation when/as I apply myself as if the others were already exhibiting unfriendliness – which in reality they are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see people according to how I believe and perceive them to be instead of looking at who the people actually are, how they are actually living and what they are actually doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate these specific nationalities from me by generalizing them into a sub-category of the human species, not realizing that by doing this I stop seeing them as beings one with and equal to me, as adult human beings built of the same physical matter, and instead perceive them to be something “more than” me because they hold the power to exert their maliciousness onto me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if another was to exert their ill will onto me, this is the other's expression of who they are and nothing personal towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not place myself in the shoes of another in order to see, realize and understand that what drives another into maliciousness happens as a consequence of the same mind functions that drive each and every being with a mind, and that from this point of sympathy/understanding it is possible to actually support and assist another with whatever is driving them into maliciousness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that another's maliciousness is my fault by taking it personally, not realizing that I am not responsible for another living out their fuck-ups as I am not the one moving the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being in contact with other people who I have defined as “potentially malicious” and to protect myself from getting hurt by avoiding all contact with these people by i.e. focusing on my own tasks and adopting a “cool personality” within which I appear to “not need” the company of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become reluctant to engage in any contact with the people I have met here because I have wanted to protect myself from getting hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is enough for me to recognize the presence of these people through eye contact, smalltalk and physical acceptance and that I do not have to take part in their activities (i.e. excessive drinking) in order to make our co-existence more bearable – and that it is OK that I do my own stuff just as long as I carry responsibility for the fact that we all live together and need to get along as equal, honest, communicative beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel isolated from these people because I do not see a connection point – something we could relate to in each other – not realizing that the fact that we are human beings and all here right now is enough of a similarity for us to recognize each other's value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will think I am “weird” because I attempt to be considerate, friendly and honest with everyone, unlike many of the people I have seen and interacted with here – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel isolated from others because I believe that others see my behavior in a “weird” light simply because it's different from theirs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot influence how others choose to perceive my actions, and that this perception that others form is thus not the equivalent of my actions and not a valid evaluation of them either.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see people as people but as stereotypes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see people as people but as representations of my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see people as people but as the definition of them I have created based on my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to project my fears on people and thus blind myself from seeing who they actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for comfort in my environment, and when not finding it, instead of returning to self-awareness and finding comfort from within my own body, blaming my environment for not giving me the experience of comfort and creating a repulsion towards my physical environment because I defined it as “discomfort”, the opposite of the experience I was seeking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though within this environment it takes me more time and effort to ensure myself proper hygiene, I am perfectly able to secure myself within these circumstances – it is simply not as straightforward as what I am used to, and I am used to the best circumstances this world has to offer, which means that wherever I go I will experience a downgrade.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the best possible circumstances everywhere I go in terms of cleanliness and hygiene, not realizing that most of the world has never had the resources to develop such a well-functioning system as what I have lived within.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my comfort zone as that which everyone should have.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my comfort zone to be the one and only true way of doing things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that most of my discomfort within these circumstances comes from my tension and unwillingness to relax and not so much from any actual issues in the environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become dependent on the things within my comfort zone to always be available so that I could experience constant comfort and stability, thus inevitably crashing as the experience of comfort and stability has not been built within me but on external factors which will always eventually fade, erode, crumble and/or disappear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely my constant experience of comfort on the cleanness of my environment. (This extends to other areas as well – this is why I have issues i.e. getting my entire body dirty when roaming in the nature. I can't deal with dirty/moist clothing either. Interesting. Gotta dig into this more.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my negative experience of a dirty environment is not going to change the fact that the environment needs to be cleaned up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter all sensory information about my environment based on the negative experience I have had towards its dirty spots, not realizing that not all of the areas of my environment are actually dirty – I just make them feel as if they were.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume everything around me is dirty instead of checking whether or not this is actually true.

I commit myself to face the people in my environment as beings made of the exact same substance than myself and thus of the exact same value as myself, with the same fears, desires and insecurities behind each and every pair of eyes, opening myself up to others instead of defending myself from imaginary threats.

I commit myself to become aware of the expectations I have of others, to let go of them in breath and to accept and allow others to show themselves to me as they will.

When and as another expresses maliciousness either towards me or another, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself this is nothing personal towards me but another expressing him/herself. I place myself in the shoes of another in order to understand why the other has a need to express him/herself through maliciousness: what are they defending themselves from? I direct myself to live out support and assistance to the other according to what I see and what the situation requires.

When and as I resist being in contact with the people around me either through eye contact, conversation or physical recognition/acceptance – I stop, I breathe and I realize I am escaping others because I fear getting hurt through their judgement – which is in fact just self-judgement through me adopting the judgement of another. I realize that we are all one and equal in our fears and insecurities, and that the people around me are just as fucked up as me. I breathe and I move myself out of the resistance by lifting my eyes to meet the eyes of others and allowing myself to move onwards from that point of contact.

I commit myself within all this to take care of myself by not accepting and allowing myself to be abused by others – by taking care of my personal space and recognizing my own value.

I commit myself to breathe through my experience of disgust, revulsion and discomfort concerning my physical environment and to make it habitable and comfortable for myself movement by movement, breath by breath.