Day 390: Submitting to aggression

26022014

http://www.udes.com

I've come across yet another interesting pattern of self-judgement. I faced a moment at work where I purposefully left a piece of mess for the morning shift to clean up, of which I sent them a message in advance to warn them about it. I was a bit worried about leaving it there, but because I had cleaned the rest of the bar well and even better than usual, I shoved the incidence out of my mind and forgot about it.

Today I received a message from the manager giving me feedback about it, telling me that a mess like that should be cleaned by the evening shift and giving me directions for the cleaning equipment required for it. The message was clear and direct – not hostile or aggressive in any way – yet I reacted to it quite strongly. I instantly started telling myself that I had “fucked up” and “made a mistake”. I went through the situation and saw how I could have done things in a different way, possibly not gaining any different results, but at least trying my best. Basically, I tried to make myself feel better about myself by pointing out all the things I did and have done well, while simultaneously putting myself down by thinking that with this single task “I didn't do my best” because I reasoned out that I don't have to, that I can cut myself some slack. So it was as if I was both whipping and caressing myself at the same time, lol.

I discussed this a bit with the manager now, and because his response was that of common sense, I realized that I was acting very submissive, apologizing and child-like. (Thank you, world, for managers that aren't abusive assholes!) It was like I had lost all self-respect and dignity – like an utterly humbled and broken child. This is a highly interesting facet of myself to see, because my self-image, or self-ideal, is one of an “independent, willful woman”. I would like to be strong and see myself as strong, when in fact I am not, at least in some ways. I have weak spots.

I am not sure where I have learned this pattern of only searching for my value in other people's responses. This isn't anything I would have been actively taught at home, because my family was quite laid back. My best guess is that when entering primary school I got completely sucked into its disciplinary system. I knew none of the kids from before and to me they all appeared to already know each other from preschool; my teachers were idols to me and I yearned for their approval, especially after facing what it's like to not be in their favour. So in order to gain standing in the eyes of my peers and authorities I learned to play the “game of schooling”: doing what I was told to get the best rewards.

It is fascinating to see just how broken I am after a confrontation like this. There was nothing aggressive or purposefully hurtful about it, and yet I crumbled. It's very close to the “good student dilemma” I wrote about recently, where I want to be the “good employee” and thus live within constant strain, as if I was constantly stretching myself from opposite ends while looking around for signs of approval. The anticipation of “did I do something wrong?” met with the feedback today makes for misinterpretations and flipping out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret my employer's message to be blaming and angry by creating an image in my mind the night before about him finding the mess and getting angry at me for not cleaning it up, him blaming me for not doing something that's not his responsibility but mine, thus seeing this image in my mind when I read the message and fitting the message with the image – not realizing that my perception of the message was already fucked because of the image I had crafted out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is valid for another person to feel angry when they need to do something “unfair” (clean up a mess that's not theirs), thus taking the blame for not doing it for them, not realizing that cleaning up the mess in question wouldn't have been “fair” for me either because I didn't cause it – and that essentially there is nothing that is “fair” or “unfair” in this world as we are all a part of the same organism that has created and will create itself and the circumstances it's within: we're all a part of a species that allows its members to get drunk enough to puke all over bathroom floors, so somebody's got to clean that shit up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit when somebody directs their anger at me – real or imagined! - thus accepting whatever accusations and demands if they seem in any way plausible to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to anger/aggression by submitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anger and aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that anger and aggression are simply individuals' reactions to what there is and not valid feedback on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that anger and aggression are valid because I saw my father using them when I was a child.

When and as I see myself reacting to anger and/or aggression, I stop, I breathe and I search myself for any feelings of smallness, inadequacy and shame. I look at my thoughts and pinpoint what exactly I am thinking. I remind myself that I am not in school anymore, that no one can bully me anymore, that no one no longer has the power to decide my worth for me based on arbitrary demands. I check myself to see whether I am in fact imagining the anger/aggression, as this is what I am prone to do, or whether the aggression is actually there. I remind myself that anger/aggression are reactions to how a person experiences the reality and not necessarily valid statements of the reality itself, and that a person's emotional reaction is not an indicator of who I am but of the person him/herself. I breathe and I follow through the situation by focusing on my self-assessment.

I commit myself to stop being a floormat. (lol)

I commit myself to stop validating aggressive reactions by counter-reacting to them.

I commit myself to investigate how and why I create mental images where I am attacked, thus creating a fearful stance towards the world.

I commit myself to reconsider before I apologize.

Day 389: A "good student" dilemma - part 2: self-forgiveness

22022014

Are guidelines like this actually used somewhere?

This post is a continuation to:

Day 388: Feeling like a loser - a "good student" dilemma

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get disappointed in myself when I didn't get a “good grade”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to get a “good grade” because I associated the way I had worked for the assignment (long hours, lots of work, enthusiasm, self-expansion) with situations where I have previously done the same in school and almost always been “rewarded” for it with a “good grade”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that basic schooling and university are different by principle (public vs. private interest), and that I cannot thus expect the same kind of approach on pedagogy and learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect university to be “fair” as I experienced my basic schooling (primary & high school), not realizing that even though basic schooling seemed “fair” and “rewarding” to me, it certainly wasn't that for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that during my basic schooling I was one of the few privileged kids who had the skills and assets the school system seeks and rewards, and that the fact that I was well-off didn't mean that I worked hard and the others were simply lazy: it was often the exact opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all throughout my life I have been blind to the discriminating nature of the school system because I was one of those who got rewarded within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at “the world” when I didn't get a “good grade”, as I had expected myself to get one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand that “the world” gives me “good grades”, as if it owes me recognition, as I have in school learned that hard work will be rewarded externally through praise and that I do not need to show myself acceptance – or that self-acceptance is not “enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the school system I have learned to be reliant on external validation, as I got addicted to the “feelgood” (elevation, pride, high status, acceptance, ego) I got whenever I was rewarded with praise or “good grades”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though the school system itself is partially responsible for abusing young people, I am responsible for unlearning this addiction because nobody else can do it for me; I may have learned it while I was an incapable child, but I've continued to reinforce it during my adult years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I demand “the world” to give me recognition, it's as if I'm demanding for my “fix”: “I've earned my heroin, give it to me goddammit!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “good grades” as those above a specified average (for example: above 8 on the scale 4-10; above 3 on the scale 0-5), as this is how the school system has defined the division between “good”, “average” and “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a “good grade” means that I have done well and that I am somehow exceptional, not realizing that the measures of “goodness” in school are arbitrary and have nothing to do with the value of the person in question, but are in fact there just to pinpoint and select certain kinds of individuals for specific tasks, jobs and career paths in the society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that the evaluation system in university works like the evaluation system I had during my basic schooling, not realizing that whereas basic education is based on the principle of supporting individual growth through encouragement (with the exception of individual teachers), university is based on producing uniform professionals through strict assessment (with the exception of individual teachers).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect support and encouragement from university evaluation as this is what I have gotten used to during my basic schooling, not realizing that this expectation is unrealistic as the world of university is at the moment not about learning for the sake of learning but learning for the sake of winning – learning for self instead of learning for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect anyone at university to give a rat's ass about my individual experience of growth, not realizing that apart from the faculty of education this expectation is in fact unrealistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher for wording the assignment unclearly, not realizing that I am responsible for assuming that I understood the assignment, and that in the “game of university” I need to read the assignments like the “devil reads the bible” and ask dumbed-down questions until nothing about the assignment remains unclear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel my frustration for “the world” towards my teacher in aggressive thoughts and words, accusations and belittling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the feedback I have received at university, not realizing that by resenting it I incapacitate myself from learning anything from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that once I stop taking the university feedback personally – reacting with anger, resentment, irritation, frustration / excitement, pride, joy, glee – I can actually learn the rules of “the game” from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate my self-disappointment (“I failed” = “I suck at studying”) to a point where I lose all motivation to do my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on studying the instant when the external feedback doesn't validate my personal experience (enjoyment in studying).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle my personal experience of enjoying studying when I didn't get rewarded for it, thinking “what's it worth when it gets me nothing”, thus ignoring the self-expansion that happens when I study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that studying itself is not about the credentials I get from it but about self-expansion – learning and growing – and that even though the credentials may be important in “the game of life”, they lose their importance the second when this imaginary world construct collapses, thus leaving only personal assets practically valuable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't “make it” in the “game of life”, thus reacting whenever my grades aren't as good as I expect them to be as I see them as a gateway to success in “the game”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my sight of the “big picture” - studying for self-expansion and for life, and playing “the game” on the side if possible – thus losing my motivation for studying when my short-term goals aren't met.

When and as I feel resentment towards my studies, wanting to escape them into some other activities – I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that in order to expand I am going to have to walk through my discomfort zone. I remind myself that I am studying for LIFE – for understanding of what the world is, how it works and how life could be improved for all – and I support myself to look for what there is to learn for me in the study assignment at hand. I focus on what I find interesting and what there is to learn and thus make working on the assignment enjoyable for myself. I commit myself to support and assist myself by breathing through the moments of discomfort, moving myself one step at a time.

I commit myself to teach myself to focus on learning instead of focusing on grades.

When and as I feel good after completing a study assignment, I commit myself to stop, breathe and look for any signs of expecting to get a “good grade”. I examine myself within the moment and utilize self-forgiveness to let go expectations, assumptions and definitions relating to the “good student” persona. I remind myself that the completion of a task is enjoyable in itself as it brings me satisfaction as a creator and expansion through application.

I commit myself to teach myself to stop taking grades (and other evaluation) personally, be it in a positive or a negative sense, “fair” or “unfair”.

Day 388: Feeling like a loser – a “good student” dilemma

19022014

I had worked really hard for an essay I wrote for a university course, and when we got the grades yesterday and my grade for the essay was much worse than I had expected, I ended up really disappointed. I read through the feedback my teacher had given me and thought that she had judged me unfairly, giving me a “poor grade” on shaky terms even though she recognized my essay was well-written. I ended up being really furious, frustrated and angry, and I even thought of sending the teacher an email to “explain myself”, but I realized I would only compromise my future grades on the course by acting out of aggression and also justify my reaction to myself by acting upon it. I released some fumes, let some time pass and talked about it with some people.

I realized I was blaming my disappointment in myself on my teacher, which is absurd as my self-judgement has nothing to do with her or anyone else in particular. What I am facing here is a major self-definition that I learned during my basic schooling.

In school I was a “good student”. I learned things pretty fast, I was slightly above average in most subjects and excelled in some. At first I didn't think much of this. Later on I started noticing how this gave me a “special position” in the eyes of teachers – how they would look at me, talk to me and treat me with appreciation, admiration and acceptance – and especially when I started to get bullied and questioned my self-worth, my skills in schoolwork (and other things I was skilled at) became what I gave myself worth through. In other words, I wanted to do good in school because then I would find acceptance in my surroundings – if not from my peers, then from my authorities.

Where I went wrong with this assignment was when I felt good after finishing the essay. I had gone through an extensive research and writing period and managed to put together a comprehensive essay with a point of view I found interesting. When I finally got it done, I felt good because I had learned a lot about writing scientific essays and the topic I was writing about. However, I misinterpreted this feelgood. This feeling of “yes, I got it done” has usually to me been an indicator of a good grade: when I have felt satisfied with the result, so have others. In this case the situation was different: even though what I had done was good, it wasn't what the teacher had requested (in which case I still think the assignment was then instructed unclearly – it can't have all been just me being careless or “not getting it”). This is where I collide with the workings of university, which are not always fair and rewarding when one has worked hard, because there are other requirements to meet as well, depending on whoever happens to be the evaluating authority. It all functions around arbitrary rules given by whomever is in charge, and to be able to “play the game” of university – to get the credentials available – one needs to learn an authority's preferences and expectations.

This is of course not how I would have it. I would rather have disposed of the entire grading system on all levels of education. But this is the system I am within at the moment, and I need to learn how to work my way through it.

This is why I need to walk through my self-definition as a “good student”, because it contains the idea that I am only worth something when I rub others the right way. It causes me to be merciless towards myself and others, to justify my place at the top of the hierarchy, to distort the meaning of learning, and to distract me from why I am in university at all. In short, I lose my grip of the big picture.

Having this process running for a day now has lead to side-effects of powerlessness, loss of motivation (for schoolwork) and waves of self-judgement (when doing recreational activities). It is interesting to see how a single point of origin – the moment when I read the teacher's feedback – can affect my entire state of being for endless spans of time unless I stop and unravel it myself.

I will continue from here with self-forgiveness tomorrow.

Day 387: Loneliness is the result of my passiveness

16022014

A couple of days ago I went into a kind of a hyperactive state, where I became extremely social and where I was really cheerful and on a good mood. This lasted until today where after a day of socializing and kilometers of walking (which did me good, I haven't been exercising lately) I crashed back home and was tired to the point where I had to recharge for several hours before having the energy to do something (the writing I'm doing at the moment).

This is an interesting point to look at, because I went through some points regarding socializing before my hyper-state began. My partner left a few days ago to his home country and at first I was not OK with living alone again. I felt disconnected, dead, stagnant and joyless, which I saw to be because there was nothing in my apartment that lives on the same “level” with me (house plants and even pets don't really compare to another human being), thus making my environment lacking in external incentives for self-reflection: in other words, I no longer had the mirror that I had grown to enjoy.

When I reflected upon this point I came across thoughts regarding my friends, mainly consisting of hoping that they would reach out to me – which is when I asked myself: why should they come to me? How would they even know I would like company? Why am I not going to them?

And so while pondering upon all this on Valentine's day – I day I have had a heavily charged relationship towards, with all the expectations of romantic gestures being flung towards me while I sit on my ass – I worked my way through certain levels of discomfort and took myself outside to where some of my friends were, as I realized that if there is something I need, I am responsible for somehow delivering it. I continued this trajectory also yesterday, enjoying my work shift at the bar to the fullest, and today as I met a lot of people and really embraced their company for the first time in what seems like months. I kinda realized something new about the importance and function of friends as mirrors, and also discovered that I, somehow surprisingly, have quite a lot of them. If I catch myself thinking “I have no friends”, I'll now know it's a delusion I create out of passiveness.

So in a way having my partner live with me was the easy way to socialize, because he would always be available at home. When living with others the basic need for socializing is fulfilled within my easy-to-access zone that doesn't require extra effort for me – but the downside of this is that every social connection that does require effort starts to feel like “too much” in comparison, not to mention the stagnation that comes from only socializing with a limited number of people.

So: the hyper-social state caused by some new realizations and the following practical application, combined with a lack of sleep and plenty of exercise and fresh air, caused me to become tired for a few hours. Doesn't sound unreasonable when I put it like that, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to have a social life without myself doing anything to construct, support, uphold and develop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to approach me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if others approach me it is a sign that I have friends, and that if others do not approach me it is a sign that I do not have friends – not realizing that a balanced and sustainable relationship of any sorts cannot come out of a situation where one is constantly passive and the others are constantly active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my need to socialize – the moment where I notice I am alone and would rather be with someone – by looking for signs of someone approaching me (checking facebook, email, phone, physical surroundings) and feeling satisfied/fulfilled when someone is approaching me or disappointed when I am not being approached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to not being approached by blaming myself (for not being good enough) and by blaming the world (for not giving me a good life).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the world owes me a “good life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my back to the world (the people) when it hasn't (they haven't) given me a “good life” in terms of the social dimension, thinking that “if they don't approach me, I don't have to approach them” - not realizing that I am in fact acting out of FEAR as I am afraid of being rejected if I take the “risk” of approaching another and thus revealing the fact that I (gasp!) like the person – as if it was a fucking secret! - and that the other person might be just as much in the need of company and just as afraid of reaching out to others to get it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the unfairness of always expecting others to approach me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that friendships are created, upheld and developed while I passively sit on my ass and make no effort whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the answer to “why should I if others don't” in this case is that if I don't, the others never will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is my responsibility to ensure myself a fulfilling social life.

I commit myself to further explore and investigate the social dimension of life. (So far so good!)

I commit myself to enjoy the people around me, whoever they may be according to circumstance, by seeking how we could mutually both give and receive.

I commit myself to teach myself to approach others when I am in need of company.

Day 386: Back on track

15022014

It has been interesting to see what happens when I grow out of the habit of daily writing. Even though I have been going through many points in action, thought and conversation, and also occasionally in spoken self-forgiveness, I am unable to provide a comprehensive documentation of what I have in fact been going through. That is the benefit of writing: there is always evidence to return to, to remind myself with. The past few weeks have slipped by and I don't have a detailed recollection of any but the key events.

This is why, as my schedules are no longer / at the moment as tight as they were, I am returning to daily writing – or more precisely, to my more realistic goal of writing on at least 4 days of the week. I have found that having documentation of my motions is beneficial to my process and development both within the moment and also in the future, as I am able to reflect on the past relying on something more solid than my memories only.

I again have no idea what to write about, so let's see what I find here.

An interesting notion I am making right now as I write is that the way in which I write has somehow changed. I have been both reading and writing massive amounts of mainly scientific material lately due to my studies, and I guess the “firmness” of scientific text is seeping into the way I not only write but also think. This may prove to be a good thing, as it may help me organize my thoughts, emotions and experiences. I am not entirely sure what I mean by “firmness” here, but I think it has something to do with both fluency and clarity. In any case, it's cool to see that there is a difference.

I have been going through many interesting things lately, which I will try to make some kind of a list out of.

• building a partnership / relationship / agreement
  • uncertainty / self-esteem
  • fear of speaking up
  • impatience with another – how to disagree?
• building self-discipline to be able to study/work
  • doing a little at a time – the push to take the steps to study instead of caving in to entertainment
• physical body in constant pain – lack of exercise and effort
  • how to make time for exercise?
  • How to make exercise enjoyable?
  • How to push through the discomfort of moving myself?
• developing participatory leadership with children
  • treating children equally
  • stopping blame and guilting
• loneliness / solitude / socializing
  • “please recognize me” - fear of turning invisible – seeking for a “connection”
  • effort to socialize: why should others come for me?
  • Learning to enjoy men as people, not as potential partners

Quite the list! Lol, and that's not even all of it. Alright, the plan is I start going through these points little at a time, depending on which points are more prominent. It is really nice to be here again, in my writing spot, devoting this section of time for myself only – not in the fuzzy-warm-feeling kind of nice, but, I dunno, a tranquil sort of “nice”, lol. I am giving myself the attention and the care I need by sitting down to discuss with myself through writing. Thanks, me, I appreciate it!

An update

I have been very busy with my university studies recently, so I have been unable to keep up with my consistent writing rhythm. This doesn't mean that my process has been stagnant, but that it has been taking place in my lived life, in which I have received plenty of support from my partner. I will return to writing as soon as my schedules allow. Just to let you know I'm not dead!