Day 386: Back on track

15022014

It has been interesting to see what happens when I grow out of the habit of daily writing. Even though I have been going through many points in action, thought and conversation, and also occasionally in spoken self-forgiveness, I am unable to provide a comprehensive documentation of what I have in fact been going through. That is the benefit of writing: there is always evidence to return to, to remind myself with. The past few weeks have slipped by and I don't have a detailed recollection of any but the key events.

This is why, as my schedules are no longer / at the moment as tight as they were, I am returning to daily writing – or more precisely, to my more realistic goal of writing on at least 4 days of the week. I have found that having documentation of my motions is beneficial to my process and development both within the moment and also in the future, as I am able to reflect on the past relying on something more solid than my memories only.

I again have no idea what to write about, so let's see what I find here.

An interesting notion I am making right now as I write is that the way in which I write has somehow changed. I have been both reading and writing massive amounts of mainly scientific material lately due to my studies, and I guess the “firmness” of scientific text is seeping into the way I not only write but also think. This may prove to be a good thing, as it may help me organize my thoughts, emotions and experiences. I am not entirely sure what I mean by “firmness” here, but I think it has something to do with both fluency and clarity. In any case, it's cool to see that there is a difference.

I have been going through many interesting things lately, which I will try to make some kind of a list out of.

• building a partnership / relationship / agreement
  • uncertainty / self-esteem
  • fear of speaking up
  • impatience with another – how to disagree?
• building self-discipline to be able to study/work
  • doing a little at a time – the push to take the steps to study instead of caving in to entertainment
• physical body in constant pain – lack of exercise and effort
  • how to make time for exercise?
  • How to make exercise enjoyable?
  • How to push through the discomfort of moving myself?
• developing participatory leadership with children
  • treating children equally
  • stopping blame and guilting
• loneliness / solitude / socializing
  • “please recognize me” - fear of turning invisible – seeking for a “connection”
  • effort to socialize: why should others come for me?
  • Learning to enjoy men as people, not as potential partners

Quite the list! Lol, and that's not even all of it. Alright, the plan is I start going through these points little at a time, depending on which points are more prominent. It is really nice to be here again, in my writing spot, devoting this section of time for myself only – not in the fuzzy-warm-feeling kind of nice, but, I dunno, a tranquil sort of “nice”, lol. I am giving myself the attention and the care I need by sitting down to discuss with myself through writing. Thanks, me, I appreciate it!