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| The moon is used as a symbol of femininity in witchcraft - "The Moon" by Alphonse Mucha |
I haven't been writing for a few days
because I have been preoccupied by practical application. I am going
through something very intense in my relationship towards another
person and it's required most of my spare time and attention. I am /
we are now starting to find some kind of a balance after the first
few days of constant new underlying points popping up and being
discussed, so I am now also getting back to writing. I am not sure
what to write about, but I will probably try to make an overview of
what I've been going through.
Okay, as I was making a list of all the
points that have surfaced within the past few days, one point stood
out as I noticed I was reluctant to look at it. I've been thinking a
lot about how I perceive sex through a negative filter: I compare
myself to people who think of sex as something fun and exciting (an
ideal here maybe) whereas I am nervous, tense and outright scared.
Whenever sex comes to play, it feels as if I shrink. All of my
insecurities are magnified and I feel incredibly small and
vulnerable. I know people (women) who have a completely different
take on sex where they feel empowered through sex, strong and
magnificent. Although, hang on. Have I ever heard them put it into
words like that? I see that my vision of “who I should be” within
sex might actually be yet another self-created illusion. Let's look
into that.
A few years ago I got really into
witchcraft, which is a very female-driven phenomenon. I read a lot of
literature (fact and fictional) on the subject and got the idea that
a woman can in fact enjoy sex on her own terms by embracing her
femininity. I basically created this image of the sexually empowered
witch woman – a magical creature – something “more” than who
I was – someone with the extra “magic” or understanding about
what sex is and how it works.
I'm guessing I have filtered my friends
– the people who approach sex with a positive attitude –
according to this ideal and imagined them to “already be there”,
to have achieved that magical something which I haven't. I've made
myself feel like a failure as I have believed I'd need to be
something “more” when in fact what I'm looking for is something
less.
What
sex basically is is touch. What separates it from other kinds of
touch is usually the involvement of genitalia and/or a sense of
intimacy, being “unusually” close. Touching other people is fun
to start with: it's a form of communication and play, a tool for
creation. Through touch movement is created; in it's ultimate form,
new life can be created. The thing is, sex isn't usually seen to be
that simple. First off, it is though of as a “special” kind of a
touch. This is one layer of shit placed over the simplicity of sex.
Also, sex is highly visualized,
separating the act from the other senses (touch, taste, hearing,
smell) – another layer of shit. Sex is also valued as a trophy, it
is demonized, it is used as currency, it's used to control – shit,
shit, shit – the conceptual (imagined) reality of sex has become an
entity of its own. Even under all these layers of shit, all the
beliefs that we have painted over our reality, underneath all that
sex is still primarily a touch. In any sex scenario I can conjure in
my mind underneath the roles all I see is trembling flesh. It's all
just vibrations and frequencies, the flesh in differing tempo and
beat.
So:
what is the conceptual reality I have painted over the simple
physical reality of sex? What are the layers of shit I need to peel
off to get to the null point?
I am
basically afraid of failure. I think of sex as something I need to
succeed in. I use it as a measuring point for my worth. I'm getting
kind of sick and tired about this “I'm not good enough” -sentence
that keeps on surfacing behind EVERY SINGLE POINT I ever walk through
because I'm still not sure where the fuck it comes from. Perhaps I'm
just a culmination of the kind of femininity that has submitted under
(male) abuse and dominance for aeons. What has created me is all the
men and women in my lineage – and that's such a shitload of people
that I can't even begin to imagine what they were like. But I'm
guessing the issues have always remained the same, so it's enough
that I look at the little I know of my history. My history is the
human kind's history.
The
way my fear of failure manifests within sex is through a basic
concept: the belief that sex has to be “good” (a definition
containing an ideal) for my partner to be satisfied and not leave me
(which implies that the reason I look for relationships is to not be
alone, hence the fear of being abandoned). Therefore I'm never really
having sex for myself, as an act of self-expression, but for others.
There may be other aspects to this as well but this is what's
surfacing right now. I'll continue tomorrow with SF on this point
specifically.
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