Day 399: Of existence and will

29042014

http://salamanderking.deviantart.com/art/Ghost-170997222

Today a chain of events, triggers and reactions led to me realizing that despite the fact that I tell myself that I am of the same value and worth as every other bit and piece of life, I do not actually believe it. I kind of entered a new level of self-honesty, where I finally admitted to myself that my mantras do not work: despite the knowledge of how things are, I do not live out or live as that knowledge.

I asked myself why I crave for appreciation, acceptance and affection from others, as the perceived lack of them triggered a reaction in me. I realized how it all – again – comes down to the phrase “I'm not (good) enough”, the one thing I keep on returning to in every moment of crisis. I realize that the issue is not that others take me for granted or don't appreciate me, but the fact that I allow the thoughts, actions and feelings/emotions of others to define myself, my value and my worth. On a rational level I know that my value is unchangeable, stable, in precise unity with everything else – but I don't feel it. I don't believe it. I am not living as these words. How can I be of value when I don't live as if I did? What is worthwhile living and am I doing any of it at all? Would I find value in myself through actions? If so, what kind of actions would those be? How do I need to live to live as if I mattered? And yet, how do I live so that I am of value despite my actions, so that I don't act just for the sake of salvation?

Apart from this existential crisis, which raised some really valid questions, I also came across one of my old behavioral patterns. I have lived a life of seclusion because whenever I have wanted myself to not be seen, I have pushed people away from me. I realize my wish to hide is to cover myself from my own eyes, so that I wouldn't be exposed to myself, and thus I have refused the approaches of others as I have not been willing to embrace myself as I am. I had an inner dialogue with myself and an imagined person in my mind, where I was explaining this to the other and they responded:

“You're pretty fucked up, aren't you?”

“We're all fucked up to some extent, that's nothing special. But I am tired of being broken. I want to be whole. I choose to want to be whole. I know I can be. I could choose otherwise, but my will is to mend myself. I choose to not stay broken.”

I see how this behavioral pattern of pushing people away and escaping them is still a part of me, and today I felt pity towards myself for it, as I saw how I cause all of my own misfortune by following the same routes over and over again. But I also realized that pity will only give me an excuse to not change as I define myself through it. “Poor pitiful me, this is who I am.” NO. I have a choice, and I have it right here. The past cannot be changed, but most of its effects can be mended, and so I choose to do. I refuse to be a victim of myself.

What I need to learn is to let people see me – to embrace the exposure as it is a gift and a lesson. Self-forgiveness will help me work my way there, and I will continue with it from here.